[Wonderlust2016]

I've been married to my husband for one year. Prior to this we dated on and off for about 3 years. Each time that we broke up it was at my request because I wasn't feeling fullfilled by the relationship for a variety of reasons and felt that our emotional connection was weak, though I had a sense of fated-ness in our meeting and being together. I approached my now-husband with the idea of getting married after we reconnected in Europe and I felt I had seen changes in him (he had a new career, was making plans for himself, was more confident, etc.) that gave me the sense that "things would be better this time around." But a year into it, I feel the same issues are popping up again. In general, I think these can be summarized by me being an "Alpha" (I'm very forward thinking, goal oriented, active etc. who likes getting things done and enjoys taking on responsibility and leadership roles whereas he is a "Beta" who lets the wind take him, prefers to be told what to do, how to do it, when to do it etc. He has only known the military and grew up in a strict household, so he views his "going along with orders" as being a good thing because he doesn't complain and goes along with whatever I want. But I try to explain that it causes imbalance in the relationship and, while most women would love to lead on every decision, I do want a "partner, not a passenger." He's an angel for sure, and the kindest, most respectful, and trust worthy man I've ever met. He's very supportive of me and my very demanding job and allows me the time and space to do whatever I want. Still, there's something that frustrates me immensely about his not wanting to take more charge of the relationship, our future, or even his own life. I'm often left to make plans and decisions for us and sometimes for him as well... I'm not sure why how he approaches his life seems to affect me so much, if I'm still able to move along with mine.... Are there other ways I can still grow through him besides become more patient and accepting of his differences? Am I asking for too much? Why is seeing ambition in my partner important?

[Trippin2.0]

You value ambition, nothing wrong with wanting a partner with a similar drive as you. For many of us, ambition, motivation, tenacity, is very admirable and it can even be a thing of beauty, watching it unfold.


That's how I feel when I see my bf and how hard he's working his butt off to reach his goals and realize his dreams.


My ex? Hmmmmm, Not so much, it was painful watching him just exist, all the while talking big.


Things went sour for other reasons though (he became abusive) but I always knew deep down that I could never settle down with someone who's core values and characteristics are so vastly different than mine. I knew I would grow to resent him and label him lazy.


So no, you're not asking too much, BUT, you're asking it from the wrong man.


If he sees no need to dream bigger, then you can't force him to, you could encourage, motivate, and maybe even suggest working toward a shared goal, but you can't make him be someone he's not.


You knew who and what he was before you married him, you knew fundamental things about him bugged you, yet you married him anyway.


The way I see it, accept him as is, you thought he was good enough to marry, you chose him. So accept and embrace him. He's not doing anything wrong by being different to you.


Disclaimer to all readers:

Please note my reply does not refer to lazy leeching couch potato partners.

It sounds to me that opposites attract, that is the description of your relationship. Don't knock it. I know couples that are so much alike they are in competition with each other over everything. Value him and love him for the likes and differences... blessings

[divine1966]

My fiancée and I are a bit similar like what you described . He is ambitious career wise but other than that he is go with the flow person while I am very type A and go go go at all times. I always went for type A men and it is nice finally to be with someone who isn't always on a go.
We balance each other. I push him and he slows me down. It works out. Find the balance

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