[Yismymindblank12]

I never know if this person likes me, it's almost always no and if they did I screwed up every time. I don't know it's like my psychosis there is no basis in reality. It's like I feel they all hate me perceived I harbor feelings that are hoping they don't hate me or think of me in a certain unusual way even if it isn't bad as being hated on it's unusual expectations that came from a certain amount of encounters sometimes can turn into obsession.

I hate myself the whole way I wish they would see past it and give some peace of mind give me an answer.

If I shy away and ignore it turns into they ignore me back and go somewhere else or they think I'm a lazy friend. If I don't talk to them. When I do I get too into it over like 2 months later and grow too attached get too overwhelming and feel they hate me. I let someone abuse me in previous relationships, because I got affection even if it was fake to escape this unbalance I'm in.

I never understood why I go for relationships they are like an addiction for idk what. I don't know what's going on.

I can't get too distant or too close. I can't do anything. It's like I can't do anything right.

I have tried to make myself throw up without success for 30 minutes hours ago because of this situation. This person was telling me very nice texts and seen me in person plenty of times was very nice to me I was very happy I open up later it gets more heated when she's sending me sexually charged texts about how we act out in bdsm and her fantasies with me, but I ****ed up. I got too close I got too attached, because my friend died I am fighting the abandonment and the pain.

It's like I haven't found the cure. I try to stay single or stay distant, but both have hurt me just as bad as being in a relationship.

I don't have any relief. I hated my whole life I was told to deal with it. I was never given a chance to learn, I was pushed around by everyone abused by so many people I trusted and then I'm now here tough **** it you now have to be an adult now. **** your feelings, you don't have feelings, you have to be responsible, you wanted someone to coddle you, **** what's your problem you're an adult man now, no one wants that.

Like it's impressioned on me how I am forced to be things I hate most I become very mean and hateful, because everything.

I wanted to be loved but I am bad very bad at it. I haven't gotten passed step one and it's very confusing.

Any female posters do I have any hope?

I've been doing my best I was single for 4 years now, after back to back abusive relationships and a lot of messed up stuff before then. I hold on to this baggage, because I want closure I want what I needed I didn't get, but unfortunately I have to do much more before I reach that point. After that, it's an empty feeling I got, I did my best to be a good friend boyfriend, but people are so hard. Like I want to be hugged when I'm sad or scared not too much but just enough. Someone who is calm to tell me it's ok. I'm tired of doing so much for someone and they **** on me. I can't do it. Like I did everything it won't work.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, there is plenty of hope for you. Do you see a therapist?

[Yismymindblank12]

rarely, they give me excuses a lot. I don't have any options at the moment that are cheap or take my insurance. I have to have a voc rehab to pay for it.

I can't tell anyways if the person is lying ever.

[Yismymindblank12]

Oh believe me I cut her off that girl I liked and who convinced me she likes me, yeah when I cut someone off I commit. I don't just cut them off being back months later if I dont know you that well that's it move on goodbye forever. I won't regret I will shut you out if you feel bad too bad you lost your chance. Thats the biggest mistske you can make is doubt your own decisions you committed to.

Even though hypocritically I messed that up on my feelings, but I didn't have a chance she didn't want **** she was playing with my emotions so anything I said is void. Nope I've learned never hold on anyone too close.

Now I don't want any relationship again. I'm truly just cutting that idea altogether no need to focus on relationships that do no good for me.

My goal is to be a millionaire one day with a bachelor pad on a skyscraper. And host private celeb parties and not focus on relationships period. Screw all that sentimental crap.

[Yismymindblank12]

I desire something higher than a relationship . I want unattainablility I want to be desired and lusted by others but be more like George Clooney except be single.
I'm committing to a more attainable easier goal I like.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

My goal is to be a millionaire one day with a bachelor pad on a skyscraper. And host private celeb parties and not focus on relationships period. Screw all that sentimental crap.

Are you anywhere close to that goal?

[nicoleflynn]

What are you doing to achieve that goal?

[Yismymindblank12]

Well I do have connections my networking skills are great, but really what my focus now is only on making a name for myself in music. I know how to do it, I helped someone in that area who already had a name get more buzz. I do know how it works how trends affect it all of it. I've seen it, I'm not even a famous person I worked with them. My uncle was married to a famous fashion designer to keep myself confidential he's in the crew of rupaul and kardashian, kanye west, russell simmons, hip hop people and tyra banks you name it.

My uncle lives in LA but he's always out of town working at his job, he was an olympian and his fame gave him status. So I know how it works. It requires a lot of work, I'm just doing small goals. Even if I couldn't do it this way, I'm saving my money and working hard to past the income of most people. I wouldn't have a lot of materialistic things like most people do. I've been raised to make do without. I had a lot of **** happen being poor and working my butt off. I know it sounds silly for me to think that big, but I'm not faultering. I feel to make bigger pushes in life you need bigger goals. I had these goals since forever it isn't even a joke. I know my biggest assets are communication and with my music making product.

I lack somewhat the audience and just the base to spring from at the moment. I needed a car to do shows and worry about putting more work into making music so I can get more recognition. People really like my stuff, it's slowly becoming a solid foundation. I don't have many followers on my social media accounts, but they are true followers they send my stuff everywhere and I get as much listens and noise as people who spam people online. I do think I need to change how I go about my social media. I don't know yet what to do, but I have some ideas.

I work in photoshop really well for album covers, I am trying to learn to build websites and get farther in being self sufficient artist. Where I don't pay a lot of money for other people to help me to start off with that's what I believe would get the attention of bigger labels when I do make enough noise and I sound good enough people want to hear my music and how self reliant I am.

Honestly it's not as hard as people may think, but it requires a lot of work.
I couldn't stress that enough on how much work it is.

[JustJenny]

You're very ambitious! And what are you doing right now for living?

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

You're very ambitious! And what are you doing right now for living?

I'm building my credit score currently with a car today. Yes I'll finally be mobile. That's already being settled out itself which is great. I saved a ton of money, even though I had a lot of it stolen, I'm getting it back slowly. I work at taco bell for now, I had two crap jobs and it was because I couldn't go to school for money reasons and I decided to pursue what I wanted with music without going to school. Just winging it in life on my own, it's not too bad, not easy, but I'm not doing terrible.

I'm trying to do shows soon, I needed a car to do that. So yeah that's happening.

I'm a saver not a spender. I want to get an income in the way that I would live in a complete garbage place, which I'm comfortable with and save up to much more than the average person. I'd have as much money as people would make in lotteries I was thinking of doing that up to a 1/4 of a million.
What I need to get the income is a better paying job or multiple incomes which I can do? I just have to go out my way to do that. My mom kinda did that too, but ended up pissing it all away on me and my sister and stupid crap. I know how precious a credit score and saving money and mortgages are. I know first hand from her plenty of failures she's finally bouncing back from. I'm helping her est good credit, from this current car I'm paying for myself. She cosigned not as a person whose person, but when I make payments and my credit gets established from no credit, she'll have a much better credit score. That's because of me. I was wanting a car to put more hours in work so I can make as leeway and room between me and my payments monthly. I don't have rent thankfully it felt like it before when I currently should have over 5 grand well I'm saying more than that easy enough.

I know I'm handling life like I do in my video games with an economy. I don't spend my money I just hoard it. I view it as an object to hold not to use for everything. It's kinda weird from my perspective, but I literally survived all by myself living alone before 10 dollars a week. It was nothing. I even found many ways to get free stuff. I got free food, free alcohol, free burritos at chipotle at one point, I spent my money one thing of sauce and a few boxes of noodles I'd eat that till my next 10 dollars. I didn't mind it.

I was surprised I lived pretty comfortable, with just 10 dollars in that dump. If I didn't want to be at home. I went out in the hood or some house party to get smashed meet new people. I couldn't get a job at the time for the most unusual reason too. I was applying everywhere they were all blowing me off like ever day I was out in the morning walking very far to all these businesses stores and shops of all kinds of stuff to just have a job in anything. They wouldn't give me a job because I'm not a student at the college I was next found out later that was illegal and I could of sued them for it. It was really messed up how devoted I was and one person got ahead of me took all of the last of the jobs because they showed up one day a female I sorta knew and she was a student no other reason they gave me false promises for like 2 weeks in a row blowing me off and off again. Telling me to come back and this happened a lot. I was really shocked how that happened today. I don't a job for granted even if it's trash.

I used to work almost 90 hours with 2 jobs. I was making 600 to about 750 bi weekly at one point, until one of my jobs started taking money from my check for stupid things I didn't even do with being a cashier in drive thru. I quit there eventually almost 2 months ago on my birthday in january 1st was my last day there. I'm glad I worked there for almost 2 years and got ****ed over by them, they are operated by idiots.

I don't know what I may look into for better pay. I know what job fields to look at to fall back on, but preferably if my music thing goes well I'm sticking with that I have a decent following. I don't know yet.

[Yismymindblank12]

I got the car. Its a 2015 Toyota Corolla super happy.