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I've been disconnected so long. I know my posts repeat. I don't want to see my therapist wanting to put me on meds. It's like giving me a cast when I have a viral infection.

It's just going to fester and get worse and treating it with something ineffective and more or less more harmful than without.

I demanded what I needed. I needed my mother to be a mother. I demanded a friend to be a friend. I demanded someone to put me in priority not because I felt I was super important I just wanted to feel it time to time or often. I just wanted to be acknowledged.

I make long posts, because I'm confused and scared people will never get me.

that my words don't matter how they do in my normal life.

I fear love and relationships with anyone, I can't take care of my own let alone someone else's feelings.

That feeling you were forced in the world with less and not much help at all. I was back at the place I was always stuck at. Being poor, and stuck, and even when I change my attitude it brings temporary relief.

I do my best, it's not getting me what I needed.

I envision it as affection in the sense of that I was given extra attention in one area specifically when I was abused my mom tried doing it, but immediately where we split apart was there. She never felt like my mother, more a stranger. That she was a authoritarian and a person who brings down the hammer on everything I felt.

When I was abused I didn't go to her. As a child, I only had myself. This is what adults do now, but I had to be forced to be an adult as a child.

Now as an adult, I never got what I needed. So relationships are more a non existent dream. I didn't want love, I wanted the peace and satisfaction of what I needed long ago.

No achievements I make help me feel better. It makes me more egotistical and angry sometimes ungrateful and brings very temporary short happiness.

I appear ungrateful because no one knows what goes on. That disconnect is what hurts me the most.

It's why I don't say I love you to my mom or anyone and mean it.

What do your doctor and therapist say? Are you prescribed medication? Are you taking it?

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I can relate a lot to what you describe. My mom and my dad were authorative in a way, but laissez faire in another way (neglect). They cant give emotional support and I didnt talk with them about the **** I went through as a child, adolescent or adult. My wife couldnt give me what I needed and I wonder if thats my fault. I learned a lot from schema therapy, have you had that?
And I was against meds for a long time but when the **** really hit the fan I didnt resist anymore. I wish I got the right treatment earlier. I hope you will and feel better soon.
TC

What's schema therapy? I prefer not to have meds. I don't need it in the some other people do to control their inclusiveness or intense emotions. I kknow it doesn't make sense from earlier trust me I was much worse off with them than without them they have me a lack of personal control.

Do you work or go to school? Live on your own?

The reason I ask is a lot of us who suffer take Meds and go into therapy to allow us to function in the areas we desire.

You mentioned before you were diagnosed with schizophrenia. In my understanding medication would definitely be prescribed. I understand you don't want to take them but you've been struggling with thought process and overall you are suffering for a long time so perhaps some type of treatment could help you.

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I don't know what I have. I know my situation is imposing itself on me and pushing me over the edge. It becomes overwhelming other than that. I wouldn't say that at all. I know in my previous posts I had a hard time distinquishing reality, it was because I would stay in one area or room all year long almost so I don't know what's outside of there.

It was my fault. I'm better now, because I can drive and go out now.

I can't afford school. I do work I might get two jobs again. I pay for my car, I can't live on my own yet, because my money was stolen and I can't take this person to court because we made an agreement, and I have no reason to gauge money out because it won't help anything.

I'm forced to live by their negligent rules and activities. If in any case I just move with a friend, but that's not possible either. I'm paying for my car for 6 years. Even though at a low rate and it will get lower over time. It's just saving money has been much harder when your mother steals it and you can't do anything. She has 4,900 basically she owes me.

I wouldn't to be able to afford the medication on my own anyways. I would have to buy the insurance to get something better to afford medication, but in the end it's not possible.

We're that spent, I have no say in the matter. If I did I wouldn't be bringing this up a lot.