We started out as really good friends - married about 4 years after we met. Have been married for over 36 years. Still good friends and occasionally fall in love with each other

It is a running joke that he would offer something simple like "would you like a cuppa?" and I'd opt for a white tea with honey and would receive a black chocolate with no sweetener or whatever.... anyway I would speak words and they would reach him in a completely different order and meaning

Another (more frustrating) element was that he would respond to my first part in a conversation as though I had just given him a forceful order and his next response would be... "Okay - then THAT'S what has to happen"... From the very first time this ever happened I pulled him up on it and would say something along the lines of ... "Not a commandment, honey ... just joining the conversation. Do you have a different idea? Or, what did you think? You don't have to agree with everything I say. I really want to know what you think"

Over the years we have figured out it's a bit of a mother thing for him. His mother was the absolute commander of her tribe (12 children) and required instant and utter obedience at all times ....

So the sad (and lingering) repercussion for me is that we figured out that the first 10 or so years of our marriage I may as well have had a film screen in front of me and all he saw (and experienced) was the projections he expected rather than the real me that was on offer and he projected a rather mean bully. He would sometimes even flinch as though I was about to hit him (I never have and never would). This has left wounds that are having trouble healing as I don't trust him to hear me and too many of our conversations deteriorate into' checking back' and 'making sure' and' being careful about understanding' and it's like a heavy scab that we keep picking at and can't move on

ANY ADVICE FROM ANYONE OUT THERE? IS ANYONE ELSE EXPERIENCING ANYTHING LIKE THIS?

[*Laurie*]

Sounds like either a lousy listener or a jackas$.

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

Sounds like either a lousy listener or a jackas$.

See, that's a problem that ANYONE would think that. Calling a guy a jacka$$ and a lousy listener in this context is SO rude. It's completely invalidating what he has experienced. Did you even read what she said? She pointed out, how his past life affected it. How would you feel if you were in his position and someone said that?

[danianndonaldson]

It seems like he may be experiencing some PTSD from how he was treated by his mother growing up. I would suggest to him to see a therapist.

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

Sounds like either a lousy listener or a jackas$.

No he is actually a really nice person. Warm and loving in his own way. I think he is just kind of immature and doesn't know how to change that ....

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

Sounds like either a lousy listener or a jackas$.

Originally Posted by Zbeara

See, that's a problem that ANYONE would think that. Calling a guy a jacka$$ and a lousy listener in this context is SO rude. It's completely invalidating what he has experienced. Did you even read what she said? She pointed out, how his past life affected it. How would you feel if you were in his position and someone said that?

Thank you Zbeara - I was quite shocked by the bluntness of LauraBeth's response. I kind of get it though because he doesn't naturally hear successfully (which could quite easily be translated as a 'lousy listener') and his actions have caused problems (which I suppose makes him difficult to live with ... and therefore a j-a to some degree) .... but LB's outburst didn't help or enlighten in any way

Thank you for reading my words and being able to see both sides of our experience in this. He didn't choose to be this way. It's just frustrating that it took so long to identify it for what it possibly is and the repercussions and..... now if only there was a practical solution ....

We are comfortable with each other in almost every other respect but just feel like we are walking on eggshells when he misunderstands me ..

Originally Posted by danianndonaldson

It seems like he may be experiencing some PTSD from how he was treated by his mother growing up. I would suggest to him to see a therapist.

Actually - that's probably a fair call. I hadn't thought of it like that. Is there are particular type of therapy that is recommended?

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by SadButHopeful

Actually - that's probably a fair call. I hadn't thought of it like that. Is there are particular type of therapy that is recommended?

Here are some links that might help

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-therapist-you
Psychodynamic Therapy | Psych Central
How to Find a Therapist

Unfortunately I'm not so keen on direct resources for finding a therapist because I found mine through my insurance

Originally Posted by Zbeara

Here are some links that might help

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-therapist-you
Psychodynamic Therapy | Psych Central
How to Find a Therapist

Unfortunately I'm not so keen on direct resources for finding a therapist because I found mine through my insurance

And it may be completely different here in Australia. I'll see what I can figure out. Thanks