[LiteraryLark]

I got the courage to tell my mom I was sorry for the way I was acting. Things are looking better. I guess you guys deserve a story.

When I am manic, I get angry or euphoric. Big transitions set off my mood swings. During the transition from my last week at one job to the first week of my new job, I didn't take my meds.

Then my brother came home to spend the last week with us before his deployment. What I didn't realize until I apologized to my mom was that my mom had taken a week off from work to spend time with him, and she only got two meals and a couple hours at the shooting range with him. She was really upset. I didn't get to spend much time with my brother either.

So I was very angry this week. My mom told me I literally spent all week stomping around the house and slamming doors. I couldn't tell you why I was so upset. I was just mad about everything and I couldn't get myself to calm down. I was just so mad for no real reason. I was just mad because I was mad.

Something my Dad told me that I didn't realize is that whenever I am in those mood swings, I ignore my mom. That's what I did all week. I spent all week not talking to her or yelling a few words at her before slamming the door. How I feel about this is that she is a horrible listener. I can talk for 20 minutes straight without my Dad interrupting once, but I can't get out half a sentence before she interrupts me. She tells me again and again not to bother her about my feelings or drama because she gets enough of it at her work, so that is probably why I ignored her because my Dad worked his usual hours but my mom stayed home and the fact that I can't express myself around her made me feel horrible.

I still don't think there is anything anyone could say for justify her slapping me, and she never did apologize for that, but she told me she had the last straw and that because the neighbors complained she didn't want any liability if I hit some kid and kill them. So now they are going to decide what they are going to do about the car situation.

I feel a lot better apologizing to my mom, I thought it was a big step. Tomorrow I'm seeing my counselor to talk more about my feelings, but at least now my mom and I are on speaking terms.

[healingme4me]

It's tough on all sides it sounds like. I think it is a huge step to apologize.

On top of not wanting to see neighbor kids hurt, there's the consequential side of reckless driving. The legal side. One of my mom's friends has a son my age. When he was in his early 20's he sped out of a parking lot and caused an accident. He went to jail for 5 years for manslaughter. It was tough on them as a family to have their son/brother incarcerated.

Edit: I want to say this. I sometimes tell my children that their behavior makes it difficult for me to be the mother that I want to be. I love them, I drive myself hard to create a home that has love and respect. But they are human too with emotions of their own. I can't control my environment completely because of their different personalities/triggers/exhaustion limits.

As a parent there's a saying...don't feel ashamed for discipline" goes with minding ones tongue and showing love and sewing seeds...

[LiteraryLark]

So I guess we were both over the edge with stress.

Something I didn't know until my grandmother told me is that my mom is going through menopause. That explains all the mood swings she goes through plus still having her period. She is also upset with her job. It's a nightmare for her and she is unable to retire. She still has seven years until she is eligible to her retirement fund. I don't feel comfortable sharing her job because someone said it could be leading a paper trail, but I will say she entered to job hoping to help people and now she comes home feeling miserable and that each day makes her "lose faith in humanity". And on top of it, my brother came home and she was not only looking forward to spend time with him but that she paid for his plane ticket and she hardly got any time to spend with him. And I was being a bipolar crazy person cutting myself and screaming at her.

As for me, I knew my brother wouldn't be spending much time with me and I relished every opportunity to spend with him, but I do find it odd that his last time we get to see him before deployment he'd rather spend time with his friends than with his family. There was also not taking my meds that led me to spin out of control. The only thing I can remember about being so angry is that I wanted to be more responsible...and yet I drove through the court like a madperson to the point where it got my driving privileges taken away.

But after I apologized to my mom, we had a nice meal together as a family and joked and laughed like nothing was wrong.

[divine1966]

Good job. Hang in there and take care of yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[unaluna]

My t would say, its not that bad things never happen, its that you talk through them. Thanks for letting us know. These things CAN be survived parental anger can be so freakin scary. With their "i brought you into the world and i can take you out" attitude - thats not helpful!

[lizardlady]

Lark, good for you! These are some big, positive steps for you.