Loving self before loving others

Is it true I must love myself before I get into a relationship?

Hello! It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm unsure how to start this, since that is somewhat of a vague question, I'm sorry to say. I really depends on who you ask, as you will get many different answers depending on how relationships have worked for them personally. As for me, I'm somewhat of a selfless person, and I don't think of myself that often. Coincidentally, I end up getting into many relationships and friendships where my kindness is unfortunately taken advantage of. That may not be as big of a coincidence as I had originally anticipated. You can be kind, but please do care for yourself as well. At least, that's how I see it in my eyes.

Because if you care for yourself, you can stand up for yourself when things aren't right. When people say you need to love yourself before getting into a relationship, I think they mean that you need to care for your own physical, mental and emotional boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed, you should speak out about it and not be silent about it. Basically, be honest with how you feel. Communication is always the best way to work out problems and is key to a great relationship, in my opinion. If you be quiet about how uncomfortable, upset, or sad you are by a person's actions just for their sake, they're going to keep doing it, because they don't know it's bothering you. If they do know it's bothering you, you have every right to leave.

I suppose that term means, like I said before, to be aware of your own boundaries, beliefs, views, and things of that nature. Don't let people take advantage of you, and look out for yourself, as well as others. I hope this helped in some kind of way.

Have a wonderful day, and thank you for reading!

Just celebrated my 29th wedding anniversary. In retrospect, here is what I've discovered about myself and lasting relationships:

I fell in love and got married and had children, all while not having a very highly level of self-respect and confidence. We made it work, but it was a struggle at times because my negative baggage kept getting in the way. My husband also had his own negative baggage, and the combination kept us from having a truly secure and content and fully satisfying relationship for a very, very long time. We stayed together because our love for each other was strong, but we weren't completely there for each other because of the level of negativity and doubt we had in our own selves (not in each other).

In the last few years, things have greatly improved in our relationship. My husband and I both worked very hard in therapy and in our independent lives to improve our personal outlook and respect for ourselves, and our marriage has finally, after all these years, reached that place of real, comfortable, fulfilling love. It is hard to explain how different things feel now than they did in all of those years where we were each kind of torturing our internal selves with self-loathing and lack of self-respect. It just wasn't secure or even really happy a great deal of the time because we, as individuals, weren't happy with ourselves.

If we were people who did not completely value the sanctity of marriage, who had not been willing to fight HARD to make personal changes and growth, our marriage would have ended decades ago. We wouldn't have made it. I'm glad we had that strong a value for our marriage and family that we committed ourselves to the self-improvement it needed to make it work, but not everyone has that level of commitment to the sanctity of relationship to fight that hard for that long to get where we are. We are blessed that we made it; it is a bit of a miracle that we did. I think many, many relationships don't make it because the individuals within them are not happy within themselves.

So, yes, you can get into a relationship if you don't have a "love" and respect for yourself; getting into a relationship is the easy part really. But maintaining the relationship, growing that relationship, building that relationship is the real challenge, and it will be a rocky road if one or both of the members of that relationship lack self-respect which makes the chances of that kind of relationship lasting as a positive and fulfilling and solid relationship definitely less.

Like other things, that is subject to someone's opinion. However, it makes it a LOT easier for both yourself and your partner.

You cannot give what you do not have... therefore if you do not love yourself you cannot give love to others... tc

This question has puzzled me big time. I think finding a relationship could change your life, but the question is: what relationship do you want? and can you attract it?

I personally don't believe it's so black and white. Although I'm sure it makes it easier. That's all based on my experience of not particularly loving myself (what exactly does that mean anyway?) and being in a healthy relationship for about a year and a half now.

I don't think any two people mean the same thing when they talk about "loving yourself." IMHO, that's kind of a meaningless phrase. I don't believe there are too many people walking around who don't care quite a bit about themselves. And when we see people who are self-destructive, I'm not sure that's always a problem of not loving themselves.

I think that, as people mature, they grow both in the ability to love others and to have a positive attitude toward who they are. If anything, I would say the reverse . . . that it is in learning to love another that we enhance our self-image. When you see yourself making a positive difference in the life of another, your self-esteem grows.

People say that all the time. I honestly don't even know what it means. I say if you feel love for others, then you love others. Does that mean you actually do love yourself?

May be loving oneself is synonym with self acceptance, and personal satisfaction of who you are?

Perhaps. Tell me more!

I hate the phrase "love yourself" it just seems so weird. Idk why . anyway to the point.

in my mind, being confident, accepting of yourself and content in a way with where you are in life goes a long way to preparing you for being in a relationship. Anything you tend to be lacking in those areas you will automatically (and naturally) end up relying on the other person for which leads to dependency.

As I've said time and again, even though I'm not an expert at doing so, I strongly believe that independence first is the best way for people to be best equipped for a relationship. When you're in it without the needs basis, you're well on your way to being able to really love another person, which also in my mind is something you give and do. In a place of too much need you tend to be looking for the other person to fill the void, lift you up etc. rather than be there for them in the same way.

Hope this helps.

You have to value yourself and respect yourself so you end up with people who also value and respect you.

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That's very well said. I'm not saying it's a comfortable thought for me, and I would feel inferior encountering independent people, but I suppose that a indication that I need to keep working on myself. In any case, I've sworn off relationships indefinitely and avoid getting close with most people around me.