[autumn15]

Hi Guys,

How do you deal with watching someone be completely controlled by a manipulative, lazy partner?

My 20 year old brothers girlfriend (19 years old) is living off of him, refuses to do anything for herself, won't even let my family visit their apartment and just orders him around all the time. She wont get a part time job, won't work over the university holidays. Won't get her license. He drives her everywhere. Buys everything for her. He cleans. He cooks. She literally does nothing for him. She just goes to Uni (studying psychology of all things) while he works huge hours as a trainee on low pay.

He is on a strict schedule all the time, has to plan his life completely around what she wants. He loves her to death for some reason and is more than willing to do anything to keep her happy. This even extends to her family. He does so much for all of them! This would be ok if they returned the favor sometimes. But they don't. They really appear to not care about his welfare whatsoever. As long as he is looking after his girlfriend they are happy.

His girlfriend and her parents have not given him anything for his last 3 birthdays or christmas. Not even a homemade card or letter or anything. I know for a fact that this has hurt his feelings deeply. He goes so far out of his way to surprise her with flowers, organise special dinners, presents the whole lot!

She refuses to have anything to do with our family, and has never met or spent time with any of his friends over the years.

She has zero friends of her own. She has siblings who she constantly bickers with because apparently they nag her about getting a job and license, seeing a counselor about her issues. So her family even recognize her problems!!! They just don't see the effect it is having on my brother.

We all try to be supportive because as soon as you try to give advice, my brother just pulls away.

I realise that he is the only person who can change what is going on. I realise that he is enabling this girls behaviour by allowing it to happen. It's like he believes that he wouldn't survive without her somehow? He is a 20 year old living the life of a married middle aged man supporting a family of 6! Its so wrong! He is a super smart kid, has a great work ethic and has so much ahead of him. I feel like this horrible girl is going to ruin his life.

Anyone experienced something similar and can share advice on how to deal with it?

[divine1966]

I am sorry. That's sad. There is absolutely nothing you can do. My sister in law never worked a day in her life for no reason also never went to school, it's not intelligent and is pretty lousy housekeeper to boot, she can't do anything for herself, my brother does everything . She isn't a bad person but she is difficult. There is nothing we can do. We accepted.

I sympathize. I hope your brother doesn't marry her. But again nothing you can do. Hugs

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[Rose76]

There is more to this story than you are telling us. A great guy from a great family doesn't suddenly tie himself to a miserable girlfriend. If this seems to him like an okay way to live, then his life before meeting this girl mustn't have been too great. He's had problems for a long time, which you, as his sister, know all about. She is not the first person to control him. Long before he met her, he learned to be passive.

So, in answer to your question, start by getting honest with yourself and trace out what really led him into this kind of a relationship. He is getting some deep need of his own met by being with her.

[Trippin2.0]

Man I could've written your post!

Except he's not technically my brother, he's a best friend of ours (mine and my brother's) he's as much a part of our family as anyone related by blood, its been that way for over a decade.

What did we do? Well nothing we tried worked, so i strongly suggest you do nothing... He even got her pregnant and I nearly lost my damn mind.

I was so upset at the prospect of having the succubus of satan in our lives forever.

Luckily he eventually realized we were not just hating on her for no reason when he found out she was cheating on him.

And even then, he gave her a second and a third chance. When he finally realized she's really not gonna break things off with her boss, that's when he ended the relationship for real.

Watching him torture himself like that was brutal, we actually ended up giving him an ultimatum.

Said he can hope she magically sprouts morals and dignity, but he can do it alone, because we're through watching the same train wreck over and over and having to pick up the pieces repeatedly.

She still pulls his strings tho, via their son.

"If you don't do so and so, you'll never see him again, we're better off without you" blah blah blah, then she calls him three days later for more money or whatever.

His problem?

Zero self-esteem

Severely conflict avoidant

Crippled by his fear of change

Scared of being alone.

I mention this why?......

Because Rose has a point, something is up with your brother to be accepting her and all she comes with.

She's not holding a gun to his head.

I'm really sorry you're forced to watch this, IDK if I could do it again.

It was 3 years of hell.

I even started to resent him at one point because our trio no longer existed, no more movie nights and Saturday morning hikes. No more joining us for Christmas, birthdays, born days, baptisms, etc.


Why? Because she declined the invite, he wasn't "allowed" to attend without her. For over three years, none of us saw him for longer than 10 minutes at a time, and this guy practically lived in our house. (well he's "moved back in" now but you get what I'm trying to say)


I haven't completely gotten over his rejection of our family and his utter stupidity yet, but I'm working on it.

[autumn15]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Zero self-esteem

Severely conflict avoidant

Crippled by his fear of change

Scared of being alone.

.

This is definitely the case. I mean for a while there, i was really hoping that I just needed to get to know this girl of his to see why he was with her. But it's hard to get to know someone who never shows up to anything and has never put an ounce of effort into getting to know our family. It's been 5 years of her just disregarding us and trying harder to push us out of his life.

From what I hear about her, she has a lot of the same issues as my brother (plus a lot more). So in that regard they are just enabling each other.

. By her staying with him and telling him constantly that she can't live without him he is drawing confidence and feeling loved and needed from it. Whereas unlike her, he is absolutely doing his very best to make sure she could never possibly want for anything, or be upset about everything.

So their relationship is toxic for both of them. She has trapped herself in a little bubble and she is never going to learn independence or the joys of first becoming an adult. My brother will never realise that it's not his job to rescue or take care of people all the time. That he can get his worthiness from inside himself instead.

I wish there was anything that I could say or do to subtly spark some realisation inside of him...

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[diglucy]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but there is nothing you can do. All you can do is love and embrace your brother for who he is without her. Don't try to blame things on her, because he is choosing to stay for a reason. Since it doesnt seem that you care too much to try to change her or have a relationship with her..just love him. To love is to respect, don't bash her even when he may ask your feelings about her. When things get bad in the relationship, hes going to need comfort and support in his decision and it wont be from people who have bashed her all the while. So, love him...ask them both to hang out a lot! If he accepts, maybe he will remember what fun is...or if things go badly, he will still feel comfortable talking to you. If he feels like everyone is against her, he may stand by her just because he's a good guy that knows she wasnt given a chance. Give her that chance...sounds like she'll blow it and when she treats you, his sister, like dirt...he might come to the realization sooner.

[handheart]

Its bad i know but its depend on him because if he loves her too much its hard to broke up from her

[autumn15]

Unfortunately this girl is so determined to avoid contact with the outside world that she never attends anything she is invited to. She refuses to come to any family dinners, birthdays (even my brothers birthday parties), Christmases etc no matter how many things she is extended an invite to, she just won't come along. My brother had to beg her for weeks to come to my wedding. It's hard to keep putting yourself out there and for years get no effort at all in return. It's hard to forge a relationship with a person who doesn't want anything to do with you.

Anyway, I am starting to see that I really have to just let it go for my own sanity and hope that she changes or that my brother changes his mind about her.

It makes me super appreciative of my relationship with my husband that's for sure!

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