[Macd123]

Hi everyone hope all is well. Anyway it's been a month and a half since the girl I was obsessing over has been in a relationship. The people who have followed me during this time know that I fell for a younger woman and she didn't reciprocate. Of course my head is not where it should be because of my lack of a long term relationship over the course of my life. I'm still having very strong feelings for her and have an urge to see her - I know where she works and thought about going over and saying hi. I know this is a bad idea because I would probably tailspin (more than I am) but I having extreme difficulty in pushing her out of my system. The deal is we weren't really in a relationship it was just conversations over coffee and I took it to the extreme. Right now I'm scaring myself because I'm still in a lot of pain. I have talked to my therapist about this but that isn't enough. All I know is I'm too damn old for this (and probably her) and I'm hoping something doesn't break. Also there is this grinding in the pit of my stomach that won't stop! Boy do I need a hug and a close friend. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Macd123

Hi everyone hope all is well. Anyway it's been a month and a half since the girl I was obsessing over has been in a relationship. The people who have followed me during this time know that I fell for a younger woman and she didn't reciprocate. Of course my head is not where it should be because of my lack of a long term relationship over the course of my life. I'm still having very strong feelings for her and have an urge to see her - I know where she works and thought about going over and saying hi. I know this is a bad idea because I would probably tailspin (more than I am) but I having extreme difficulty in pushing her out of my system. The deal is we weren't really in a relationship it was just conversations over coffee and I took it to the extreme. Right now I'm scaring myself because I'm still in a lot of pain. I have talked to my therapist about this but that isn't enough. All I know is I'm too damn old for this (and probably her) and I'm hoping something doesn't break. Also there is this grinding in the pit of my stomach that won't stop! Boy do I need a hug and a close friend. Thanks.

Relationships are often based upon the "other" providing something we are missing OR think we are missing. In a healthy relationship, companionship is usually enough. In a dysfunctional relationship some people seek absolute control over another, total attention from the other or many other forms of a non-functional relationship. In a normal relationship, both parties are trusting, independent and each makes the other a better person.

In a dysfunctional relationship, the people usually make each other worse versions of themselves through head games, control. jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness, etc.

What you are describing sounds like OCD. You are attached to the idea of another person. And the idea you have of that other person may not be even remotely close to reality. Unfortunately, OCD makes you play and replay things over and over in your head, as if by thinking about it enough you can find a different ending to the story. But that doesn't work. There's only one ending, where you are are not with her. Accepting things for what they are is difficult for some people. It's even more difficult for people with OCD. But you still have to do it.

People can be addicted to a person, or to the idea of a person. But addiction is still addiction, whether it's to a person or a substance, it's still the same. There is ONE big difference though. If you are addicted to a person OR the idea of a person, you will end up in trouble with the law eventually. If you are addicted to heroin, you will mostly hurt yourself. If you are addicted to a person, you will end up hurting them and you and you may end up in trouble with the police.

You have to let go and find a way to occupy your mind with something else, even if all it is is counting puzzle pieces for hours on end. If you count puzzle pieces for five hours, that's five hours you didn't spend thinking about someone you can't have. If you are able to stop thinking about her long enough, eventually you will let her go. You may have to trick your mind into letting you let her go. It's all part of learning to accept things you can't change.

[Macd123]

I am trying to focus on other things. This is a very powerful feeling because it keeps you from moving on with your life. You're right I do have a very idolized version of her because to be truthful I don't really know her that well. Like I said I'm doing a little work with my therapist on this but right now that's my only venting avenue and it's not very much. I hope this will die soon because I'd like to remove the chains and get out of this funk. What's making this more difficult lately is that Summer is coming and I keep thinking about how nice it would be to hang with her. Anyway I had a nasty relapse last night in my thought patterns - I had to relate this to somebody and thanks.

[divine1966]

Good steps talking to your t. In my opinion You think it would be nice to hang out with SOMEONE, since there is no someone you think she'll fill the void.

This would be a good start to try what we suggested before in terms see if you can meet some ladies for a date etc there are other women out there. She isn't it. I don't mean get obsessed with other women, just see if you can meet some for a date

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