[StuckinRut]

I began dating a new person in November 2015. We seem to have quite a lot in common and have enjoyed lots of fun dates together. I have 2 questions:

1) How can I tell if we are truly suited? Unfortunately I have a poor track record where romantic relationships are concerned. A key problem is that I tend not to be exactly clear, in my own mind, about what I am looking for. For that reason it can take a while for me to work out whether a relationship is right for me or not. I don't want to waste anyones time, so I'd rather figure that out as quicky as possible.

2) How can I be a good boyfriend? My feelings for this lady are growing in strength and I want to be a good boyfriend and make her happy. I would really appreciate any advice on traits/characteristics of a good boyfriend.

Some people might remember that in my last post I was 6 months into a new relationship. The lady that I was dating wanted to have children, but I was pritty sure that this was something which I didn't want. After a lot of careful thought I realised that I had to let her go, so that she might find someone who wanted the same thing. I've discussed childen with my current girl friend and we have similar thoughts on the matter.

[Skeezyks]

Hello StuckinRut: Well... As to question #1, if this were possible for anyone to know, there wouldn't be so many divorces. As to question #2, try to do things that make her smile, be thoughtful & pay attention to the little things. It's the thought, & the little things, that count. Communicate. Listen to what she's saying. Many men fall into the habit of nodding & saying "uh-huh" when in actuality they have no idea what their significant others are saying. Pay attention... say thank you when thank yous are due. And compliment her when compliments are due. Say: "I love you..." in so many words... often... if you do. My best wishes to you both.

[StuckinRut]

Sorry for the slow reply. Only just spotted your message. Thanks for this Skeezy. I think that this is great advise!

I found you must be friends first. You must enjoy being around each other, talking, spending time together. You must have similar interests and goals. If you are religious i have found you must have the same spiritual beliefs because if children come along you will fight how to raise them. It happens all the time... I have seen it trust me. You must both have the same values... not like one wants a career and money the other wants to be a tree hugger and play in the dirt eating veggies living off the land. YOu have to have an agreement of the minds, very important. If the person is already a parent know this: you will never be number one, the child always will be so get use to it. The bond of a parent and child is stronger than a new partner. Do not make a single parent make a choice between you or their child, you will lose every time. And you have to be honest if they have children are you willing to do that? these are things to look at and consider before delving into another relationship... i hope this helps...tc and blessings

[StuckinRut]

Thanks very much for this OmegaLamed. I think this is great advice. I can see the value of starting by developing a strong friendship and ensuring that you have common interests and goals.

[Bill3]

When there is any disagreement, acknowledge that your partner is right and ask to speak about it further. This is paradoxical but disarming.

When there is a need for change, acknowledge that you need to change. Focus on how you can change. Figure out what you need to do better. Do not try to blame or change her.

Common interests can be overemphasized. There can be charm and love in diversity as well as in commonness. It all depends.

So for example let's say that one is a socializer and the other likes to stay home. Maybe it won't work out. But maybe it will! Maybe the socializer brings light and energy to the homebody, and the homebody brings depth and peace to the socializer. Maybe the two can meet in a place where both can find growth, joy, love.

I think it's amazing you admit you don't know exactly what you want in a relationship. It means you're open to re-defining it as you learn more about yourself and the other person. Most people walk into a relationship with rigid expectations, which means they are doomed to fail when they don't find exactly what they are looking for.

As far as wanting to know what makes a great boyfriend goes, it really depends on the other person. Sometimes really small things can make a really big difference in a relationship. For me, I love it when my husband makes my life easier by doing little things for me. Like a cup of tea when I'm tired. Her needs will be different than mine. If you watch her closely, you will learn what little things you could do to make her day easier. They don't have to be big things.

Also, some women like to talk about things and sometimes all we want is for someone to listen. I don't expect my husband to solve my problems, sometimes I just need a good ear. I think most women want to feel like they matter, so noticing things she does that make her unique and commenting on it to her might go a long ways.

My husband says things like: you always know when someone is sad, it's amazing.

Don't know if this helps, but it's the kind of stuff that made me happy to have someone in my life.

[StuckinRut]

Thanks for the helpful replies. Bill3, I think you make a great point about how to address issues and disagreements. Clairerobin, I can see how doing little things that make a difference can be really important in a relationship. I also like the point you make about simply listining and avoiding the temptation to try problem solve. Thanks for sharing those things.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by StuckinRut

I began dating a new person in November 2015. We seem to have quite a lot in common and have enjoyed lots of fun dates together. I have 2 questions:

1) How can I tell if we are truly suited? Unfortunately I have a poor track record where romantic relationships are concerned. A key problem is that I tend not to be exactly clear, in my own mind, about what I am looking for. For that reason it can take a while for me to work out whether a relationship is right for me or not. I don't want to waste anyones time, so I'd rather figure that out as quicky as possible.

First problem: "I'd rather figure that out as quickly as possible" Key words being "as possible" Being quick and rushed about finding out if someone suits you is a bad approach to dating in the first place. You can't even know if a friend you just met is one that will last, how much more someone that may potentially be a long term lover? Two people getting to know one another simply takes time. the risk of it not working out is inherent in dating and there is really no fast track to figuring out if that's true. Honestly if you think you're wasting someone's time by dating them and getting to know them, I really think your perception and expectations are kind of skewed. it's not an interview, it's not a test, nor is there any standard practice to making it work out. Why do you think there are so many posts here of people having been in relationship for a long time need help? Because even after people have been together years they are still growing, changing and learning. There is no standard practice because people/women/men are not robots and no two are alike. It's a process and if you're not willing to go through it and find out if you fit each other by taking the time, maybe you're not prepared for dating itself. I don't think that's the case I just think your expectations are a bit off. Take your time, enjoy what you have now and see where it goes. Nothing wrong in that regardless of whether it works out long term or not, there is no reason dating and enjoying it now cannot happen

2) How can I be a good boyfriend? My feelings for this lady are growing in strength and I want to be a good boyfriend and make her happy. I would really appreciate any advice on traits/characteristics of a good boyfriend.

Another question that really has no standard answer. Every woman is different, wants and needs different things. The person who can tell you, and show you that is the girl you are dating. No one else can say out of context the standard way to be a "good bf" but... that being said...

Be unselfish, think of her needs and care for her in ways that she appreciates and wants. Listen well and hear your partner but again, this.. is really truly an approach at all relationships only the difference being friendships do not include the physical intimacy and romance factors. Outside of that I think that's all that can be said to being a good bf.

Some people might remember that in my last post I was 6 months into a new relationship. The lady that I was dating wanted to have children, but I was pritty sure that this was something which I didn't want. After a lot of careful thought I realised that I had to let her go, so that she might find someone who wanted the same thing. I've discussed childen with my current girl friend and we have similar thoughts on the matter.

These kinds of things can be found out early on but outside of major values such as those, time will tell whether in other ways you are a match.

[StuckinRut]

Thanks very much for your helpful reply s4ndm4n2006. I think you raise a lot of points which are valuable to me.