How to deal with overly attached parents as an Adult

S4ndm4n2006, well said! Thank you because it is hard for me but I am learning to find my voice as well even through it all, it hurts but it has made me a stronger woman.

I even find excuses for their behavior, "their love is toxic". You're right, it's not their love, it's their behavior and state of mind. I have just been taught to believe that they have the rights to react this way because their my parents, that thought has been haunting me since I was little.


It is, from the looks of it, entirely need based and on their own selfish desire to have what they want. They have not asked you, I am guessing, if you would like to have them live nearby, they have not alluded to the idea of coming to be near you to give you security, or anything that has to do with caring for you and your SO.

Oh, and that's EXACTLY what bothered me the most! They spoke to my fiance, and everyone about their plans to move here but me. My dad was waiting for me to react about it, going around the bush with it until he finally called me last week and he didn't even ask, all he said was "Hey, so um yeah.. I was talking to your grandfather yesterday about my plans on moving over there, and he said I should definitely move".


Protecting a child so to speak, too much, goes against the principles of love too because if you do not allow the child to learn, grow, be independent, speak for themselves and respect them enough to be an individual you are thwarting their progress into adulthood.

Couldn't have said it better myself. And it is very common, I feel it's fine to be protective to a certain extent but allow your children to make some of their own decisions, which is what I had a hard time with growing up. They've protected me so much, but for once I would have loved for them to take me out to a park and teach me how to ride a bike, if I fall and get bruised, tell me to brush it off. Teach me how to get inside a car and defend myself, teach me about life the way you know it and stop trying to hide me away from its "dangers".

Honestly, half of the things I learned now as an adult has been thanks to my fiance who has pushed me and taught me how to believe in myself.I am a late bloomer in life with many things, I don't entirely blame them, some of it has to do with me but because I spent so much time in my room growing up, and I wasn't allowed to do much I feel I wasn't exposed to many things until I moved out from their house.

Good! I won't call, let it be him this time. Because, I've done nothing wrong and by him not calling me at all gives me the vibe that he doesn't want to talk to me and I respect that. As I know it is killing him inside as well, but he's too prideful to admit that.

I wonder how long he will take, his birthday is at the end of this month, will he wait long enough till then just to see if I don't call him on that day..who knows.
And yes it's true, my thoughts are out of habitual thinking. It is killing me inside, I get migraines just thinking about this situation, I feel like calling him and even if it's just to call and act like nothing ever happen but just to have a decent conversation again.

But, if I do then he will know I am weak. It will make him happy to know that I called first. It's my turn to stand up for myself and if he asks why I haven't called, I'll say I was giving him some space.
They know my weakness so well, he's waiting for me to call. And my mom is the messenger, he won't call me but if my mom calls then she will talk to him about what we spoke about.

My assumptions were correct then. Now the thing is, I understand it's hard and painful but there is a way out of that too.

First stop using the phrase that it's "killing you" you and I both know it's not. Be accurate in your thinking and expression to tone it down in your mind, it will make it easier. "this is very difficult to resist" would me more accurate. In truth in the end you won't suffer any real damage unless YOU yourself are damaging yourself mentally and (God forbid) physically. The migraines are likely from thinking about it too much. You're ruminating about the problem and going over and over it in your head - again, habit... find something new to do. Hey you have, clearly, a loving mate to be with and spend time with. Make something of it. Use that to detract from the things causing you pain. Go out, find an activitiy that is engaging enough to release you from the cyclic thinking. Too many of us remain in our patterned thinking and don't do anything different, wishing it would just change instead of changing what we are doing, then we sit around and be depressed about how everything sucks, is painful, is to hard to bear... it's just a pattern for failure. Keep thinking about it and eventually I can almost guarantee you'll give into it. Be different

As for his birthday, in my mind that's a valid reason to call at that point but for that reason alone. leave it at that and to let him know you care but he will attempt to bring up other subjects likely now that he thinks you are in his 'clutches' again but you cannot let that happen, be brief, to the point, say "happy birthday, I love you dad" and then excuse yourself from anything other conversation. It will let him know very loud and clear how you feel about him as your father but will also make clear that you are standing firm.

Don't allow your mother to be a messenger. If you give he no more information than you are giving your father by not talking to him, she has nothing to share. If her only point to talk to you is to argue, control, manipulate and feed the her scoop on the latest to your father, do not engage in that conversation. Just stand firm by stating where you stand on them moving and that nothing has change, no talk more of why, how, who when or what.... just "I've given my thoughts and feelings on this, nothing has changed"

Hope this helps.

Thank you, thank you! It has helped a lot, so much, your input and everyone's response has hit me with a reality check that I needed.
Wow, I have been torturing myself for years and have not even realized it. It's not killing me, again that's probably how I am expected to feel. If it weren't for me venting on this forum, I probably would have been given in, I think I'd have migraines all day from just thinking about things over and over so much.

Notice how I asked if I should call my dad today, that's from me thinking about the fact that today marks a week from us not talking. I need to stop doing that to myself and just let it be, and give myself time to do me as well. If I tell myself, "this is very difficult to resist" not only does that sound accurate but also makes me feel a lot better.

I'll give an update on this forum if they call, I won't be expecting if my dad does or not I am just going to let it be for now. As for my mom, you're right I already stated my overall opinion to her once, so if she does call me I'll continue to stand firm and cut the topic very short.

This is really helping me to learn how to speak up for myself not only to my parents but in general.

I would not make this offer again. This line of thinking is part and parcel of the overall concept that you are responsible for him. Also, I'd be skeptical of mixing family and work in this instance.

I agree, I warned him not to make these offers again, to let my dad do his own research. I think that would be best considering it all.

Not only do I think it's more accurate, that line of thinking has a solution rather than a fatal ending. So it's difficult to resist, means you have a tangible meaning to your suffering opening up doors to ways to resolve it. With that thought you can say "how can I make this less difficult to do?" If it's killing you, it's almost a closed end statement. Like a hopeless fatal and terminal disease, and you're doomed to suffer.

good for you, I hope this all makes your life better and easier and that you succeed in what you are trying to do! I look forward to hearing the stories of triumph over your struggles (note this assumes - on purpose- that you WILL be successful)

You are a grown up now and they need to give you space and time to figure life out for yourself! Sounds like they are probably using u as an excuse to not have to deal with their own relationship issues... this is common in " empty nest syndrome ". Sorry if I am rehashing a point that was already made. I kinda just read the OP and skimmed the rest. Anyways, Sounds like you have made a great start settings your boundaries! Kuddos! I'm sure your dad will come around.