How to deal with overly attached parents as an Adult

Hello everyone, just seeking some advice, thank you in advance!

I am in my mid 20's, growing up practically an only child (have sisters from my mom's side but they left the house at an early age). My parents have always been quite overly protective with me as a child,
teenager etc..especially my dad, me being his only daughter. I have always tried to please my parents so I never gave them a hard time, was well behaved.

At the age of 21 I met someone, and throughout time we moved in together. We first lived with my parents, then with his parents and finally in the end we moved to New Jersey where my fiance grew up to start our
lives.. It was hard enough me moving out of my parents house, and now I was going to live hours away from them. My parents live in Georgia. Things were going well for my fiance and I in NJ. We were finally
living alone, trying out a brand new area and exploring life.

To cut the story short, my parents ended up moving all the way from Georgia to NJ in with us. Their plans was to live with us for a while until they find a job and settle in. But, the petty arguments got in the way, and they didn't give NJ much of a try, they judged the area where we were starting off and they have this "my way or no way" mentality, quite old school and just ended up leaving back to Georgia because they were mad at us.
A year has passed and yes we broke the ice over the phone. Even after they disrespected me and my fiance when they left, but we tried to work things out with them.

Now, a year later we moved to a different area in NJ.. some place suburban, very quite, we are exploring and it's going well so far, affordable houses, and we found stable jobs but then again we're still exploring it.

Now, my parents are saying they want to try it out too but they admitted it's mainly because they feel lonely. My parents found out they have a family member about an hour away from where we live now,and even they offered my parents want to stay they can crash in. But, they prefer doing it with us.. me. And since I went to visit them about a few weeks ago, they felt nostalgic. They're doing fine in Georgia, they have good jobs, their own stuff, car etc. The only problem is that the area they live at is quite expensive so they cannot afford a house just yet, and also they feel lonely.

I am worried that because they left so fast last time, they didn't get to experience the cold weather etc. They are quite desperate people and I told them, think about it very well, they said themselves once that they don't like cold weather. But now they're changing the subject saying they don't mind, but they don't even know what 10 degrees feels like. And they felt I said that so they won't come. ALSO, honestly.. I don't feel safe telling them to come just yet, we JUST moved here. We are still exploring it, we're not 100% stable,
we don't know if we will still be here 2 years from now. And they're argument is, that if they come it will be next year not now.. and that they don't plan on staying with us too long just until they get settled.

But how can you say that? What if you don't find a job? What if we decide we want to move some place else? Now.. they're not talking to me.. they feel im betraying them, they're even saying things like,
"oh if it were your fiance's mom then you wouldn't mind, huh? .. "how can you treat your parents like this".. etc.

I am so stressed out because I love them,want them to be happy I would love for us all to leave near by, I am planning on having kids some day and would prefer not have to take a plane to visit them
but they don't understand that things happen with time.. they're so desperate and that's why things didn't work out last time. My parents live in Georgia but they don't really have anyone there other than my sister
but my sister rarely ever visits, and it's because of their way of being. They don't realize how they push people away from them. The minute they feel unhappy they want to move or stop talking to us. And I am trying so hard to keep the peace but it's so hard with them.

I feel that my parents are not happy with themselves, they have this routine life, they never go out just work and come home. They don't have friends because they don't make friends. They're always complaining about feeling lonely, yet they have all these opportunities to go out themselves and enjoy their own company but they don't do that, they need other people or me there to boost their happiness. And that inflicts my own sometimes, because when we're together it's all fine until they find some sort of problem to start an issue. And this also creates issues with my own relationship. I feel like they're jealous of my fiance, and they're still attached to me they want to be near us and we try to work things out but then when we do there's always some sort of petty argument.

They call me almost every day.. and just because I stated my opinion of them moving again, my dad hasn't called me days now. I called my mom try to explain to her again why I feel this way and she just starts arguing back then she plays psychology with me starts sending me family photos. Or act like nothing happened, or use phrases like, "When you have kids, you're going to understand" I don't know if to give them their space and not call .. that's another problem if I don't call them or let three days past it's an issue. It's driving me insane, and then I feel guilty I start thinking "oh but they're my parents, they're getting old, one day they're going to pass away and I am going to miss them etc".

For once in my life, I feel free. I don't feel trapped anymore the way I did growing up with them because they were so protective

You can't trade your happiness for theirs, that's martyrdom. I think you did the right thing by giving your opinion. Also, you need to protect your own piece of mind, unfortunately. It sounds to me like your parents are tired of each other, otherwise they would be able to make each other happy without having to have a third party around. They need to fix their own relationship rather than make you the solution to their loss of interest in each other.

I've been married for 30 years, my husband talks to his friends on email and the phone. I have a couple of friends I see occasionally. Mostly we keep each other company. We haven't lost interest in each other. We don't need a third party to keep us going. One of our kids lives in a different country (we moved away, they didn't). The other kid lives 2 miles away (they came with us). You can't live your life for someone else, it doesn't work.

Forgive them for their neediness, but don't let them make you feel guilty. Even if you have to do a daily routine like throwing a pebble into a lake or river, learn to let the guilt go...everyday. Yes they are going to die one day, perhaps even tomorrow. We are all going to die one day, even you. So get on with your life. Learn to speak to them whenever it suits you, without guilt. You've done nothing wrong.

Sending you photograph like that is extremely manipulative. I hope you know that.

Sometimes you just have to let go to move on.

Excellent post!

I concur and agree 100%

Look into emotional blackmail , which is what they are doing to you.

Thanks everyone!
You're all right.

Clairerobin, everything you said is true. I blame myself sometimes as well because I have to learn to let go of certain thoughts. I know deep inside that I've done nothing wrong at all, but my parents will find a way to make me feel so guilty and terrible.

It seems like my parents are tired of each other. They truly do not know how to have a good time with themselves. As a matter of fact, when I spoke with my dad and told him my opinion he said, "I cannot live like this anymore just me and your mom everyday seeing each other, sometimes you need family too".

And I agree to a certain extent, but they take this to a whole another level. They want to move here and I don't even have a month living here!! The fact that my dad hasn't called me in 5 days just because I told him how I felt proves that he has this mentality that I have to agree with everything he says.

I bet he's waiting for me to call otherwise he won't. My parents have always manipulated me, and they've injected this thought in my brain that they are the way they are because they love me. I don't even know how to treat them anymore, I've behave so well with them and for what for them to stop talking to me the minute I do or say something they don't agree with.

I read on Emotional Blackmail, thank you for pointing that out Bill3, didn't even know something that so perfectly explains what I've been through existed.

I can also relate so deeply to this article,
"8 Signs you may have a codependent parent"
http://hubpages.com/health/8-Signs-Y...pendent-Parent

1. The Codependent Parent Has a Victim Mentality
2. The Codependent Parent Is Never Wrong
3. The Codependent Parent Is Overly Emotional
4. The Codependent Parent Never Listens
5. The Codependent Parent Parrots Words and Phrases
6. The Codependent Parent Has Mood Swings
7. The Codependent Parent Must Maintain Control at All Costs
8. The Codependent Parent Manipulates – Subtly

Yes, yes!! I can relate from 1-8!

I know they're not bad people, I know they love me very much, as do I and deep inside they have the right intentions, but it's the way they talk,think and handle things. I can only imagine my parents living near me and if I don't visit every now and then the issue will be "Why don't you visit! etc etc" ..

I live hours,miles,states away and what hurts me the most is that I am finally free now to do my life, I no longer live under their roof, I never ask them for money or depend on them for anything. I work, I am responsible, don't do drugs, I am in a serious relationship, they seriously don't have anything bad to say about me. Other than make up issues to make me feel guilty or bad. I even manage to call them almost every day to maintain the relationship. What else do you want from me!?

I even visited them and stayed with them for 3 weeks straight to spend some time, cause I know for a fact if I were to go to their state and stay in a hotel it would be a problem! I feel I shouldn't have even stayed with them for so long, because now they feel nostalgic about having me in the house. It's been four years since I left their house, I've tried so hard to make them happy to the point where I use to argue so much with my partner even when he had a point.
I don't mind helping my parents if they ever need it, but they have to learn to respect that I am an adult now. That I will state my opinion, that I do have the rights to disagree with them.

I'm sorry guys if I am venting so much, I just feel so stressed..

Don't apologize, please vent away.


It sometimes helps to see things, black on white, maintains perspective, and helps you blow off steam.


You've never defied them before, like typical teens do, they skipped that stage with you, so you currently not bending over backwards to please them is going to take quite a while for them to adjust to.


I wouldn't expect a phone call anytime soon, unless its more blackmail.

You are not venting too much!

Thank you everyone, I appreciate it so much because even being able to vent on here has allowed me to gain some peace of mind.

I can't say I'm happy about the situation, because after all I do want to be on good terms with my parents, but in the end I have to remind myself that I've done nothing wrong :breathes:

P.s. You're right I didn't get a phone call from my dad today, and it's fine.. I'll give him his space for the time being.

Your parents sound extremely co-dependent and immature. The reasons to NOT let them live there are piling up as you describe their behaviors more. Thing is, their reasons hinge entirely around being near you, nothing about their own best interests or well being, it seems to be only based on the fact that they act as though they "can't" live without you nearby. Its really dysfunctional and I have to emphasize that your living many states away, going forward, is the best thing for you, your soon-to-be husband and especially for future kids. I add that last part because what they are doing to you is going to be the same or worse for your kids. Of course your well being matters most but think about the kids you'll be trying to raise too, impressionable growing up, your parents, should be visit only grandparents.

I'm sorry I went off track there.

You're spot on when thinking about "what if" as it relates to if they were to move in. I fell into the trap of letting my once separated ex (wife) after 4 yrs away to move in as she said she had no options. I am here to tell you from experience THINGS DO HAPPEN to throw a wrench in plans and you should prepare for the worst rather than be overly optimistic in thinking plans will go as you all thought. She said it would be a few weeks... those weeks have turned into months, no one is happy and she still is seeking a better job, her own place, etc. You don't want that. And unfortunately much of the time things like these happen a lot.

Tell them firmly that you would love them to live nearby but that if they want to come, they have to find alternative shelter. Tell them as best you can, that this is the only way, and stand firm. As they pull the guilt trip on you, kindly and quickly hang up til next time. Eventually they will get the picture that you won't be manipulated any longer. This would take a lot of strength and courage and I won't claim it would be easy but I see it as the only way.

Thank you s4ndm4n2006,

You're absolutely right. Oh, when I mentioned the "what if's", I was told that I was being so negative and how I need to understand that they'e not going to live with me, that it's going only to be for a month or two.

They have an alternative shelter, an uncle with a spare room who even offered them to crash in, multiple times and they know it's only an hour away from me, why not just take that offer?! Why must you pressure me?

Ah.. I know why, because you feel more comfortable being here next to me, because they probably feel free to be controlling here, they see us as "kids", and perhaps in my uncle's house since he's about the same age as them, they know they can't control another man's house.

Sometimes I wish I would have been more rebellious as a teenager, that way maybe now as an adult they would respect my decisions and opinions.

I am trying to remain firm, I keep getting constant thoughts that I'm wrong for this but I know I'm not it's just something in my heart telling me I am, but I know that's just the guilt reaching out.

Exactly. they want to be able to meddle and control your life. You know at best even if you resisted their attempts to control, you'd be made miserable in the process anyway.

As for the part about being rebellious, no, you don't want that. Rebellious is simply going against authority for rebellion's sake it's a faux way of being independent but it really isn't based on it's motivation. What you should probably have been, and mind you it's not too late now to become, is ASSERTIVE. Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert on the subject because that's part of my problem too (see previous comment on my ex living with me :P ) but I do know that this is something that would improve my interactions with her and others like her Assertiveness is being able to stand up for what you really believe in and stand firm even in the face of over zealous control freaks.

2006 mentions immaturity,let me add a more accurate
term: Adult-Children! This is when some people are
really children inside--they LOOK like adults,but because of their upbringing,for whatever reason,they
never grew up. Which is why they are using childish
emotional tactics to control you. You MUST make them accept,yes you love them,but NO I will not let you
control me and my relationship; you need courage and
persistence to get them to FINALLY accept that,that you will NOT be CONTROLLED by them.
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

Next time they do call, tell them you would never even dream of having the audacity to forbid them from moving, BUT, you would suggest and prefer that they do it responsibly (as adults naturally would).


Which means setting up their own accommodation and finding jobs BEFORE moving half way across the country.


I wonder how determined they would be then...


Besides, that would give you way more time to settle in, should they really go through with the move.

Assertive sounds way better than being rebellious,lol and man do I lack a lot of it. I think that's my new favorite word

Maybe that's why I rarely use to state my opinion to them and say what I truly believe is right. I was always hit with the "because we're your parents, or look at all that we've done for you".

They protected me so much that at times it did more harm than good. I am very grateful for all they've done for me. But, sometimes a parent's love can be so toxic.

I remember when I was a teenager, I didn't even feel free to talk so I kept a lot of thoughts to myself, always had this feeling that I was 'trapped'.. and now that I am an adult and free to do as I wish, I feel lost because it's like letting an animal who has been caged for so long loose into the world.. but I digress, that's a whole different story, lol.

Thank you for this, I thought by me moving out I was pointing all those things but I was wrong. I am going to continue to make them understand that they cannot control me even if that causes us to be apart, because if they love me like they say they do then they should be able to accept me and my decisions, the same way I respect theirs.

Funny thing is, I did mentioned those things, as a matter of fact,

my biggest mistake was telling my dad my opinion the last time I spoke with him all I said was, "Are you sure you want to move? What's your motive? If it's just to be near me or other family members, make sure you have more motives because what if I end up moving elsewhere? What if you don't like the cold weather and snow? Did you check out the jobs here? Why not visit first for a while to see if you like it?"

^ Saying these things opened a door for them to speak about my own personal life, their comeback was "Haven't you moved many times, You didn't like the cold and you moved and got use to it" and I didn't get a call back from there.

I should have just been firm since day one and only speak on my most valuable point which is, "I cannot offer you a place to stay until I am settled in myself, even if it's next year that you're coming, you cannot add a date to when you're moving, I have to let you know that"

They don't want to admit that if things don't go as planned, if my dad doesn't find a job, they're going to be my responsibility, which I don't mind but I must be settled first. I would understand if they were in the streets, or in poverty but that's not the even the case :sheesh: so hard dealing with, I hope this time off that we're not speaking they're reflecting on things.

Nobody can save other people from themselves. They need to do something about their loss of interest in each other. You're not the answer. If you become the answer, that just means you will end up not enjoying your life either. People have to make themselves happy. Even if you agree to be the saviour of their relationship, that just means you are trading your happiness for theirs. There won't be any overall improvement, just a trade off of happiness. In other words, they will be happier and you will be less happy. That's wrong on so many levels.

It's better if each one of them finds an outlet, like joining a club, each one joining their own club. If they spend time apart, perhaps they will enjoy their time together more. They also need to get a hobby or some form of past time, like joining a bridge club.

I think you know you can't save them, even if you agreed to. So get on with your life, be nice to them, set reasonable boundaries, ditch the guilt and build your own life. And forgive them for being needy. And forgive yourself if you think you've done something wrong (which I don't think you have). Good luck.

Thank you Claire,
I've suggested they join some sort of club to make friends, I was even thinking about giving them gift cards to restaurants every now and then just so they will go out more often. They just have this strict routine life that's making them miserable, but you're right I can't be the solution to their problems.

You all have shown me that it's okay for me to still love them, respect them, and still be assertive. Right now, I'm being hit with the silent treatment not sure if to give them a call or give it a little more time. I just hope they come to their senses and realize that I've done nothing wrong.

This passage scares me. You are describing a situation in which something not in your control (whether or not your dad gets a job) leads to they're going to be my responsibility. What if your dad decides he "can't get a job" after searching for a few days? What if he can get a job but decides that the jobs are not appropriate for him? What if he decides that driving/commuting is too long/too difficult in New Jersey? What if he decides that he is too tired/old to work? What if he decides to work part-time and therefore "can't afford" New Jersey?

Reading about the silent treatment: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-...lent-treatment

That's true,
Wow Bill3, you mentioned a few things that sound verry much like my dad. Especially, when it comes to driving. He doesn't like driving too far to get to his job, usually he prefers a 30-40 min commute or less. Also, the jobs not being appropriate is another thing as well, because he has 20 years experience working in a particular industry and that is what he has his mind set to.

In the past, when they did live with us for a while, my fiance offered that he can help him find a job where he works at, and my dad said no because he wants to work with what he knows. I brought up all these things as well, but of course this just kept adding to the whole, "why are you being so negative".. I thought I was being realistic.

Thank you for the link, will look into it.

Random thought, do you guys think I should give my parents a call today?

I'm not too worried about my mom. I spoke to my mom two days ago, that was the day we got into an argument. But, my mom's the type where I can get in an argument and she'll call me back and act like nothing happen but still talk behind my back to my dad. My dad is the decision maker in the house.

My dad's a different story.. he's a little more prideful. It's not that he will argue with me if I call, but he will not call me until i call him.
Last time we spoke was a week ago from today, and we didn't exactly get into an argument but that was the day he told me he was planning on moving and I gave him my opinion with "are you sure that's what you want?". And he hasn't called me again after that. I know he's mad at me, should I call to see ask how he's doing, give him his space for a few more days, or wait until he calls me?

I'll read the article now, maybe that will help me since after all my dad is giving me the silent treatment :S

Well to be more accurate, a parent's or any other person's for that matter, love, is NEVER toxic. Love itself, by definition cannot be toxic because it is something that is about caring for another person, being unselfish and sacrificial. Need, codependency and dysfunctional behavior is far from any of those things. They are NOT acting in such a way that has you in mind but themselves. It is, from the looks of it, entirely need based and on their own selfish desire to have what they want. They have not asked you, I am guessing, if you would like to have them live nearby, they have not alluded to the idea of coming to be near you to give you security, or anything that has to do with caring for you and your SO. I am sure on some level of course, they love you, I don't mean to sound like I am saying they don't but my point is their behaviors in question have nothing to do with that.

Protecting a child so to speak, too much, goes against the principles of love too because if you do not allow the child to learn, grow, be independent, speak for themselves and respect them enough to be an individual you are thwarting their progress into adulthood. I am not judging because I, as a single father have noticed that I kind of over protect my two sons at home myself. But I am saying that I recognize this is not helping them into adulthood and they need to be given the reins to be responsible. I speak to this dynamic because it is oh so common in parenthood as I have seen. The fact that you are not able to speak up for yourself just shines a spotlight on this type of parenting.

To be completely honest, I am in my 40s. I was stuck in a lot of dependent cycles starting with my family then into my first and second marriages. I did not find my way (still learning too, mind you dont' get the impression I think I've arrived) til after my separation from my current wife, was forced into being a parent by myself and learning to do everything on my own. I did not find my voice, my independence and confidence til late in life. I honestly think, and I know this may not be possible, that you should remain in somewhat isolation from your parents for a good period of time to find your footing, and really find out who you are and be independent. Again I know that's not an easy thing to do, which is why I had to be forced into it, but for me, at least, it was one of the best things that ever could happen.

Stand strong, find your voice and try to resist their childish whining and I know you will do well going forward.

NO you should not call, I don't think but let me say why. I hope you realize that all the years growing up you have a certain amount of dysfunction in yourself which will take a long time to break free from. That being said, right now, I believe your thoughts to call your dad is out of habitual thinking. You don't like him to be mad at you and quite possibly it has gone through your mind passively or actively that 'what if' he never calls. it is something, now this is a guess of course, that has been used against you many times in your upbringing. I am thinking you were and still are probably the one expected to be the one to come to them. In arguments, you probably are the one to apologize first and you tend to be the one to end up bearing the guilt of any and most conflicts. It is probably his intention, again whether actively or subconsciously to remain silent because he assumes that it will be YOU that initiates once again. This is part of the dynamic that you need to break free from.

Wait for him to call. Expect him to come to you and initiate again. It will be difficult, it will be grueling if I am correct on my assumptions above, not to fall into the old behaviors but it is, I contend, the only way to start repairing things and moving everyone into a healthy dynamic.