[Yismymindblank12]

I am bad telling my feelings. I tell it comes out and upset the person I have feelings for I unintentionally confuse make them upset.

I have mad anxiety about loving myself learning how to love and shutting down.

I know I'm definitely not ready with relationships 4 years single i may not be ready for ten years.
I just want to show myself clearly.

I am a very damaged goods. I am high maintenance at times when I need it most.

I need help.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Yismymindblank12: The Skeezyks offers his best wishes with the hope that you will find the help you need...

[NewCommer]

Please, don't take this the wrong way, but... What is the thing that upsets you?
Sorry if it sounds mean. But i can't make everything out of what you wrote

[Yismymindblank12]

Being rejected for being second place, and that the pain I deal with follows and haunts all my relationships feeling like I'm too doomed for anyone to like based on real interactions.

[divine1966]

Who rejects you? Women? You sound earlier you don't want a relationship

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Who rejects you? Women? You sound earlier you don't want a relationship

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't know what I want atm, before I didn't. That's changed, because I really ask for companionship not even a relationship specifically, but I don't know how to express that.

Just someone I can be around a lot of the time who wants to be around me a lot. Someone is like a life friend.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Who rejects you? Women? You sound earlier you don't want a relationship

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's not specifically who rejects me, it's the fact of being rejected. It's not that I feel entitled to be with everyone who I ask out. It's specifically that I have it tied to a deep pain of abuse I dealt with and the rejection is a form of ptsd when it manifested when I was a kid. I had it take many forms certain people, places, and things that reminded me of traumatic things.

Same with this, it just puts me in a place I don't want to relive. So I freak out and go crazy.

So yeah I am fine after a couple weeks or less depends on what, but really I have a hard time coping with it.

Like I starve myself to feel comfortable in my own skin, because I felt people thought I was very unattractive. So I starved myself and work out more, but that's my point.

My current state of my mind left in this place, and I've been barely keeping up, but I am content with most of my life, except accepting certain things. This is one of them so I feel starving myself accomplishes my goals.

[Yismymindblank12]

Part of me doesn't want a gf, because of how dating today is garbage. I don't like any of the fakeness with the superficiality, being superficial is ok, but when it's mixed with just who is being fake to just keep their true feelings lowkey like for a long time is what pisses me off.

Like communication is horrible today, basically.

I try to initiate conversation which I can, but some days it's exhausting to show interest. It's like you really have to go out your way for someone who may or may not give a damn what you do. They may or may not be interested period and they won't tell you, in which after awhile of having this. I gave up wanting a gf anymore I don't even care for relationships that ship has been shot down years ago and I don't want to get back on it.

I do want to be in those moments where I was with my friend who after she and I aren't in a sexual relationship now, we're just friends, but we cuddled on her hammock outside at a pretty national park. Also going out having days to ourselves to have fun which I find it better than dates.

Too much expectation now a days including from me, but I had to learn how to let it go to let more people in. Just a lot of people ask for all this stuff from someone and what do they have to offer that they demand all this criteria from a man or woman.

It's just a waste of time I call it, when it's done without any compassion just a distant and not even casual it's like non existent, because either one or both parties are too afraid to go for anything to commit to a decision on anything. Like I mean people I see are too ADD with relationships and know what they want, but want it in a specific person. That's just not how it works and I am exhausted putting up with that.

But if it ever worked out I would do it.