[Invisiblebaron]

I know this is long, but I really need help! I feel so hopeless, I am not sure what to do anymore.

I fell in love with someone 12 years older than me and he really fell for me too. I am 19 and he is 31. When we are together we don't feel the age differences. To be honest it feels like our ages are a lie. On top of that I am considered quite mature for my age. People always think I am older than I am until I tell them. However as much as that is the case my mom still says there are things that I do that are still my age. In regards to the guy: he, my mom and I all work in the same industry which is very large. There are pieces all over the city and lots of people know each other and work together off and on. It is not that my mom doesn't like him, but she does think he is too old for me and doesn't like that even though she said to him that I am to young for him, a few months later he found me on fb and we started talking. I met him briefly in December 2014 and our connection was immediate!! We got along so well!! I thought he was maybe 25ish but later found out he was 30. It didn't phase me because we didn't exchange numbers or have each other's Facebook or whatever so I walked away and pretty much forgot about him. Then in March 2015 he fumbled onto my Facebook page and we became friends. Then we started talking for about two weeks and then he asked me to go for dinner with him. My mom and really nobody knew we were talking until I told my mom I was going out that night with him for dinner. My mom was shocked, but I went and after thinking about it for a day she "put a stop to it". She said "if you guys are meant to be then you will meet up again when you are older when you have had more life experience, in maybe 5 years. If you guys run into each other then and your connection is still strong then go for it." She said that to me and to him because after I told him I wasn't able to talk to him anymore he asked to meet up with her.

I tried to get over him, but I couldn't. I tried to move on so I never wrote him but, he would write me randomly and out of the blue saying how hard it was for him and how amazing I was and how lucky anybody who spends time with me is, etc. and I think that is part of the reason why I had such a hard time moving on. He even remembered my birthday 5 months later after I had only told him once. I had a terrible year to do with this guy! The only time I was ok was when I was distracted by work or something, but driving or being home where things are calm... that is when it was hard. I have dealt with depression for years and in the past couple of years it has really grown. It has even come to points where I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. I have had a very bad time finding guys that I am into, who are into me back, or if they are into me but I don't feel incredibly uncomfortable around them... But I tried! I honestly tried! I would put myself out there and talk to other guys and go on dinner dates, but as I would drive to the restaurant the only guy I would be thinking about was not the person I was meeting for dinner. Since I only met him 2 times (the first time we met in December 2014 and then when we meet for dinner in March 2015) and only talked to him, texting, for two weeks I was considered obsessed. I even started going to a counsellor because it was so hard for me. I would talk to my mom about it but she wanted me to just move on. She always says she is there for me with anything that I need to talk to her about but I feel like this topic eventually was a hard one to talk about with her.

At the beginning of this year (March 2016) we ran into each other again... I was having a hard enough time about it around that time, but after I ran into him it was unbearable! I have one friend that I am open with about everything and all through the year I would tell her about what was going on. At one point in a couple weeks after running into him I was so lost and helpless and didn't know what to do so I called her and was crying and said maybe I could start talk to him and see how it goes, not tell anybody and then if it is as good as it seems then I can tell my family. She was against that, but after our conversations she said I needed to make my own decision and eventually I made the decision that I was going to talk to him because I can make decisions in my own life.... Right? So I did. And we talked and it WAS as good as it seemed. We talked, and I was comfortable, and he was very sweet, kind and was very excited when we started talking again. My friend who didn't approve at first saw how much he was into me and ended up being for us talking again (btw she is older than me too, 29). I think I fell in love. I have never fallen in love before so I don't want to be like those movies where the girl is like "but mom I love him!", but I actually think I do. Sadly though I lied to my family (which I never do!!) I was just so helpless and I gave up on trying to please them... But three weeks later my mother and grandmother found out.... (The only two people who know) I was going to be strong and stand up to my mom and tell her that we are still going to see each other, but I just can't ever do that! I always do what she wants but the thing is she does everything because she loves me, not because she is being abusive. So it is hard because I don't want hurt her or be stupid, young and irresponsible. However I also need to make my own decisions. Right? She suggested that I go away out of the country for a few months so both her and I left to Europe. I left everything. I told him I was going away and that we could talk when I got back. I said that this didn't necessarily mean we were over I just have a lot of things that I need to figure out about life, my life, and myself and I before anything I needed to go and do that. So now I am here in another country. While I am here I decided to go 100% off social media. I am not in contact with anybody from home, no friends friends and only my grandma for family because I want to give what my mom wants a full shot as well I do not want my opinions to be persuaded by any thing but myself.

As much as I try I still can't get over him!!!! I think about him all the time and I just want to cry! Not just sniff sniff type of cry, but I want to bawl in hopes it will make me feel better and take away the terrible feeling inside me. I don't have anyone to talk to and that kills as well. I don't want anyone here knowing about my problems in Canada so I have no one here to talk to, and my best friend and I aren't talking right now because first of all I am away and second I think she is a little frustrated that I didn't stick to what I thought was right for me. So I don't have her, and I don't feel I can talk to my mom about I because I already know she doesn't want me to talk to him, see him, date him or whatever right now. It kills me!! I feel so alone!

I feel like she is being very controlling, but she does everything because she loves me so I don't want to hurt her. She annoys me so much though! I hate living at home and have for a few years now. I want to leave and do what I want, but I want to be responsible. Am I just being an irresponsible typical teenager? I want to tell her what I want to do and the decisions I want to make but I always end up going with what she wants. I don't know if that is what I should do because she knows lots or if I need to start making my own decisions and doing what makes me happy. However if jumping off a bridge with no protection made me happy and I did it despite what people said then I would surely die..... Obviously I am not going to die with this decision, but I don't want to make a mistake like that. You know what I mean? My mother became pregnant with me when she was 21 and her any my biological father (who was never in my life) never stayed together and I am her only child. So she is very protective of me, she doesn't want me to end up in the same position as her, and she wants me to be the best that I can be. I totally get that! So I am not sure if I need to learn to stand up to my mother and tell her what I want and do it and take whatever comes to me or if I should take her advice.

I am here in this country and while I am here, so that I can go home and say I made a full effort, I am putting myself out there to meet guys, and friends, and I am trying to do all things more the way she wants. I don't want to fight too much and make myself seem crazier than I already feel because I want to be able to go back and have the option to say "hey, I did what you want. Now it is my turn to do what I want". I have made friends, and I have even met some guys. One who is really into me. I got excited and liked him, but now I am back to the only person I think about is my guy from home. And that is why I am writing this, because I am helpless. All the people who know the story think my guy is super into me and think that I should stand up to my mom. But then my mom doesn't think so. I don't know who is right. If my friends, support and myself don't know what is best for me and my mom does, or if my friends, support and what I want are right and my mom needs to just get used to it. I don't want to be one of those girls running solely on her feelings and not thinking about what is best for her or for her future because I have a very bright future ahead of me if I don't mess my life up. However I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside. Am I just being dramatic and short sighted and should I just go to a psychiatrist and pick up the pieces in my life and get over this guy like a bad break up. Or when I go back home should I stand up to my mom and see him again. I want to hear opinions from people who aren't on either side. People completely removed who can give honest opinions. People who have experienced this before, or know someone who has.

Please help me!!! I am so lost!!! I just want to talk to someone and hear what I really honestly should do.

[Pflaumenkeks]

Hi Invisiblebaron,

This is a though situation you are going through. I wish you all strength and a happy ending.

My opinion on your question if you should listen to the advice your mother gave you or stand up to her is: both?

I see your mothers point. really! I have a child myself and this is definitly something that we will go through. And I once was that young adult. With a much older boyfriend and the future ahead of me.

I see red flags in your relationship to this guy and your mother.
guy:
First the obvious: the age difference. I know it can feel like "there isn't that much difference" but there is. I think there are people out there that are capable of handling this but my experience is: there is a power imbalance. He always has your age as a kind of weapon against you.
You wouldn't belive what a good pressure it can be to be "sooo mature for my age".
You know-all my friends thought what a beautiful couple we were, but nobody seemed to notice the things he pressured me into.
So I, as your mother, would be afraid that you are heading straight forward into an abusive relationship and the first impulse is protection.

Second: "he would write me randomly and out of the blue saying how hard it was for him and how amazing I was and how lucky anybody who spends time with me is, etc."
IF you said to him that you don't want contact than this is a "HELL NOPE"! This is: "I don't respect your boundaries but I am very sweet while doing it so it's okay"

"and doesn't like that even though she said to him that I am to young for him, a few months later he found me on fb and we started talking"
That is a very big red flag for me tbh. Not because he doesn't listen to your mother, but because he didn't got into this blindly. He was well aware of your age-difference and that it is inappropriate AND THEN made steps to deepen your relationship. Someone that old looking for a young partner is no good sign...

Now, after my personal -I had to many abusive relationships to be chill on this - answer comes the big BUT regarding to your mom:

This is not her decision to make.

You know that this is problematic. But you don't seem to believe it. This is your live and your misstakes to make. You have the right to experience this **** if this is what you want to try.

So your mother can have the best intentions but not letting you make your own decisions is not healthy. She can state her opinion, she can say that she doesn't like your decision-but she cannot make them for you. Neither can I.

Wish you luck and a good journey

[healingme4me]

Most of my friends all agree, as do I, 19 is one age we would not like to ever repeat.

Why's that? 19 is a major development year unofficially speaking.

My flags are up that he's allllllll you can think about. He's all consuming. You're trying hard to enjoy your priviledged experience of travelling out of country and he's all you can think about and you feel depressed.

Your mom suggested wait. A good man would wait. He'd encourage you to live your life and not to worry he'll be there later....