loving manipulation?

I am having a bit of a moral conundrum that I would appreciate some external insight sifting through.
I've been in a relationship for years with someone who I've known for some time to be a master manipulator. He is incredibly patient, amazing with language, and can manipulate people so subtly it's almost impressive. As a moral rule I would find this detestable, and I have for most of my life been a strong advocate for breaking free of manipulative relationships. But in my experience with him, he has used it entirely (that I've seen) for purposes of good... not limited to planning a surprise wedding, guiding people out of abusive relationships, etc.
There are times when I can sense that I am being manipulated, and I don't dare say anything because it will cause a fight without fail, but I generally don't worry too much about it because these manipulative tendencies have never come to any negative ends in our relationship (that I am thus far aware of). In fact, I've made incredible leaps in my personal development by allowing him to guide me down certain paths, including helping me break free from substance abuse. The subtle way he can guide you through new thought patterns is a gift, but the ability itself is suspicious.
I love this person, but this knowledge has been weighing heavier and heavier on me. A dear friend is currently escaping an abusive relationship, and she told me, point blank, "I cannot be around [my partner] right now, even though he's a dear friend, because he is so manipulative and I think interacting with that will be a trigger for me".
Hearing this really shook me up. I've never heard anyone else acknowledge what I already knew about this person. It was one thing when it only affected me (and generally positively even if concerning), but I'm becoming concerned this problem may have deeper roots than I'm aware of.
So I am torn. Do I uproot a happy and functioning relationship?
Is manipulation an unforgivable character trait?
Am I enabling by not standing up against this character trait?
Especially early on in our relationship, I did attempt to address this issue. You might say he "manipulated himself out of addressing the problem", but he makes the strong case that...it isn't really a problem? Is it a problem if no one gets hurt? Or is it wrong by its very nature?

Any thoughts highly appreciated...

I love this post. I am a man who has been accused of being manipulative by the way. Other adjectives that come to mind are controlling, self serving and selfish. Manipulative people, such as myself, manipulate for good i.e. To save money, to get ahead, to raise healthy smart kids. The key is the purpose for which someone is manipulating and, by your post, you acknowledge that your mate does it for good or what he perceives to be good. So, unlike my wife, do not condemn the manipulative man if his purpose is for good; rather, manipulate a situation exclusively (without him) if you wish and recognize that he is who he is and you are who you are. Do not confuse manipulation with him trying to control you - he is trying to get ahead or do something that benefits him or you or both of you. My opinion. Now, if you think he is manipulative for an evil purpose or selfish purpose, ask whether there is any benefit to anyone except him. I guarantee that there is, namely you, and I guarantee that his intent is not only to benefit him but to benefit you also.
An example: my wife has no formal education; she grew up in Italy and takes great pride in cooking, cleaning and laundry. So when it comes time to buy a car, she would walk into a dealership and pay the MSRP. I would not. And because I do what I do - research, negotiate, et cetera - her claim is that I am controlling and manipulative. And while it is true that I am controlling and manipulative in the above example, my intent is not evil but rather to benefit us, namely, not to get screwed by a car dealer. She does not understand this. And round and round and round we go, her claiming that I am manipulative and controlling and selfish and me trying to explain that my actions are in the best interest of our family. I hope this insight helps you. Thoughts?

My T and I discussed this very subject last week, his take?


As long as nobody is getting hurt, then where's the harm exactly?"


Nobody except you can decide if it's inherently wrong, people have their own personal perceptions and belief systems.

The only thing that raises my eyebrows is the notion that speaking up for yourself on given points causes arguments, so you avoid the argument.

If there's not a dependency where your input isn't given credence then no, not a problem. Your opinions are valued, right?

What will the fight "without fail" be like if you mention anything?

I think if someone is known as a manipulator, they are not that good at it.

It sounds like right now you are not too bothered by his actions, but in time you will resent it. Do you want him treating any children you may have together one day in his manipulative way?

If you get along with him, and he is manipulative, but with good intentions, then just accept it.

Im a woman who would probably be considered to have a similar personality to him.
In my perspective, if you are living on eggshells and afraid to speak up for yourself, its not healthy.
But on the other hand, of your two personalities compliment eachother, thats normal.
Just my opinion without knowing allof the facts.

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Thank you to everyone who responded. I guess I should clarify...
When I say he's a "master manipulator", I mean to a degree that is far beyond the day-to-day human nature things we do to get our way and/or keep things running smoothly. I only became aware of this side of him as he began to trust me enough to let me in on some of the secrets. I see it in action sometimes with other people when I am "privy to the truth", so to speak, and he will sometimes point-blank tell me what "projects he is working on". Even to this day, when I catch him manipulating me, it is a manipulation that has been months (if not years) in the works before I've realized I'm being manipulated. I say it will cause a fight if I mention it, not because he doesn't care about my opinion, but because he expects me to trust him and becomes offended if I do not. In fairness to him, like I said, it has not come to negative ends. But when you realize that you have been pushed into a certain behavior or situation through long-term manipulation, even if the outcome is good, it is still bewildering. It often makes me feel naive, oblivious, or stupid for "falling for it". So I guess that's where the moral conundrum ends up. So let me rephrase the question. Assuming that this manipulation continues to be used for purposes of good (to the best of my understanding), would it be wise for me to modify my attitude (both towards him and myself) to accommodate this, or am I right to be suspicious and squirmy about the fact that I can never be sure what is true and where he is leading me?

Is he guiding you into being the ideal of what he wants? Is it through control?

I'm rather confused as to how this is.

How fearful are you therefore of raising this issue with him: like say, to inquire as to what "projects" he has in process for you?

Making an inquiry about what is going on, or discussing a topic, is quite different from "not trusting" someone.