Work sucks right now. There are no two ways about it. My residency is simply not a good fit, and though I talked to the powers that be two weeks ago and they assured I would be reassigned, nothing has happened and I am three weeks from being off of orientation--and don't have much time left to learn a new department. I don't have a schedule past two weeks from now, so I can't plan my life past the middle of May. I used to love my job, but now a place which used to be a place of stability in my life in spite of whatever else was going on is a place which makes me anxious to even think about. I had an asthma attack prior to going to work this past Tuesday and, though I do have asthma, I've only ever had one other attack. I've been using my rescue inhaler almost every day because that tight feeling of not being able to breathe keeps coming back. It's not a panic attack, I'm just anxious and stressed enough that it's exacerbating the asthma. Which, even through my serious bouts of MI, has never happened before. While the work is stressful, it's not that I couldn't handle the job clinically; according to all of the necessary input, I was exactly where I needed to be. There were just a lot of other factors including some extremely toxic behavior from coworkers that I decided I didn't want to have as a part of my learning experience. And now, I'm starting to crumble, and my work is being affected by it, not to mention the rest of my life. My sleep (I barely sleep), my eating (I rarely eat), my health (see above), and my relationships. I have been trying to make a point to make plans with friends, but I've not been reaching out to them since all I want to do when I'm not at work is isolate, mainly because I'm exhausted. The couple that I've gone out with recently have been fellow healthcare workers, and all I've done is unload onto them, and that isn't an escape, and it isn't fair to them. I've been trying my DBT techniques to cope, but they either aren't working (when I've been aggressively and faithfully using them), I forget to use them (rarely), or I just shut down and willfully don't use them (the last few days). I know that is the least favorable option.

And, as I've mentioned before, it's affecting my long distance relationship. I thought all of my anxiety stemmed from work, and that was affecting how I interacted with him, but really they play off of each other. Work anxiety rises up in my interaction with him, and then I feel badly for doing or saying something snappy, and then I overcompensate for doing that, and then I feel badly because I'm getting clingy or naggy or whatever so then I try to control my behavior by controlling the situation ("I need to take a little break because..." "Maybe we shouldn't talk during the work day because..."). And that makes me anxious, too. And then I think worst case scenario and then just feel horrible all around.

Last night we attempted to Skype, and I feel like I get really excited to talk to him, and set myself up with expectations of how things are going to go. The thing is that I'm a talker (obviously, even when I'm not typing an anxious rant), and he isn't. He's a laid back small town Southern man with a type B personality to boot who really just lets things take their course. I am a Northern type A city girl who has to have a box checked for everything, has to know a plan for everything, has to have things settled. And the fact that he wasn't just readily bantering back and forth with me on Skype irritated me somehow, and my mind was like, "That's it. We have no compatibility." Well...no. Not necessarily. He's just not a trained monkey that's going to jump when I say jump. But in my anxiety, I let the irritation with him out a little (even though I was trying to keep it in) and he politely chose to end the conversation. I explained later, via text, how I felt, that I wasn't mad, and he isn't either. He just said he's worn out, and I understand that. Shoot, I'm worn out. So I just gave him space. I think he gives me a lot of leeway because of the job situation, but I don't know how much more he'll give. And I told him, plainly, that my fear of pushing him away causes anxiety which makes me act a little neurotic. He simply said, "It'll be okay." Sometimes that makes me feel more frustrated. But most of the time, that calms me right down. I just...I just wish he were here to say it to me.

I have sat here for about 30 minutes bawling my eyes out because I am just catastrophizing. About my job, about him, about life. I know we need to meet. He knows it. We talked about the fact that we can't make it on text alone yesterday. But we both have loose ends with work, and we're doing the best we can. My friend put major doubt in my brain today telling me if he wanted to make it work, he would, and he would come here not make me come there (he isn't making me, I offered). I have major doubts (in spite of all of the times he's said, "It'll be okay, really") because of the fact that our communication doesn't always flow. He doesn't tend to communicate on a deep level with me. He will consistently flirt with me, tell me I am funny, interesting, intelligent, and beautiful, but it is hard to pull much about him out. I do, but he doesn't offer it up. If I ask things, he'll tell me. He's open. He just doesn't converse quite the way I'm used to, and I am afraid that means he doesn't have chemistry with me. My other friend has read some of our flirty texts and tells me, "This is what text is for: the fun stuff. You want to have a deep conversation? Save it for the phone or Skype. Just have fun with the rest of it." I tend to think she's the one I should listen to.

I don't know. Yes, I'm anxious and ranting. I just want to feel better about the most major thing in my life, which is my livelihood. It is heartbreaking that something I worked so stinking hard for and looked so forward to doing is making me absolutely miserable. I want to go see the person who makes me smile on the most consistent basis so that I can know if we really are compatible...but mainly just to throw my arms around him, at least just once. Uncertainty is hard for me, and having it in my life for this long on so many important fronts is unraveling me, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep myself together. I don't cry very often anymore, but I have been crying so much lately. I cry almost every day on the way home from work, almost every night I cry myself to sleep. I cry so much I have to use eyedrops because my eyes are dried out. I know I sound like a drama queen, but it's true.

Sorry for the long post.

[divine1966]

Awe it is tough to have a lot on ones plate.

I am the last person to advice anything as my work hours are ridiculous. I currently work two and a half jobs that equates to minimum of 70 hours a week, my day job is very demanding and night job is tiring, plus I commute to hours a day, yes every week and I am 50 ( I work less hours in the summer as I only have one job for summer ). It is a long story why I work like this for now, hopefully not forever .

My life is non stop and planned every minute. Yes I break down and cry often simply because of exhaustion. And not enough sleep. You do need to take some break or you'll get sick. I worry about you

As about personality I think people can balance each other. We balance each other perfectly having totally different personalities. I am extreme type A never sit still go go go type, my fiancée is more relaxed type b from a small town who has no problem slowing down. I speed him up and he slows me down. And it works. I've only ever been with men who are just like me and it was type A all day long and so tiring and now it's finally balance. So it might be a good balance for you.

I hear about new job it's stressful but hang in there. What does your t recommend how to get through this?

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[divine1966]

I wonder if you can start looking for position elsewhere? Does it have to be that specific place? It seems too much! I am unsure what you mean by residency, in my understanding ( close encounter with RN) when you complete your college degree and clinical and take exam and become licensed you just apply for jobs?. It is harder of course with no experience so you might not get the best places but I've never heard of residency for RN, only for doctors. What am I missing? Can you start applying for positions elsewhere? If you aren't tied to a place etc

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An RN residency is something that is starting to be implemented in the hospitals, and it's supposed to help ease us from school into our new roles as RNs. It's like an intensive orientation, and lasts 13 months. My actual orientation is only 12 weeks, and I'm 8 weeks in. But the residency involves classes and other things. The problem is that the hospital pays for the course, and if we fail to complete it, we owe the hospital $3,000. Plus, I signed a contract for 3 years, so I'm kind of stuck. At this point, I'm contemplating paying the money (which I don't have) because money is money, and my mental health and relationships are priceless. There is another resident (a friend, who graduated with me) who feels the same. She's unhappy for other reasons. I am not sure what to do at this point. All I know is that I don't want to lose the things which are actually brightening my life, and that's my friendships and JD. And if I continue the way I am, I will lose them as well as my peace of mind.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think that if youre feeling overwhelmed its fine to go back and get intermediate help. Like I have a bunch of these problems and started seeing a therapist recently to deal with change.

I had more to say but forgot. I will remember eventually and add more. >-<

[divine1966]

Oh I see. I don't like contracts that don't allow me to leave. I don't even buy a place because I envisioned horror of being unable to leave if need to move. I once taught in a setting that would pay for my masters but I had to stay there for 5 years after it. Wasn't going to commit to that. Somehow in my mind borrowing loads for grad school made more sense than committing to that lol

Do you think it could get better so you could finish? It would suck to lose money

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[ComfortablyNumb5]

So are you thinking of dropping it all together? I think when it's between school/work and mental health, put your health first because if you're unhealthy, you're going to have a lot of problems here. I lost a few jobs from MI and I wish I would of went into it with a sound mind to begin with. But congrats on making it so far in the program! I know an RN is a lot of work and commitment. Maybe there's some loophole around this contract, or can you take a leave? I wish I had more answers for you but hang in there and nurture your mind.

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[divine1966]

Are you licensed already?

If you only have 3 weeks left then it's not that long. You can handle three weeks I think? Just keep counting days?


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[Confusedinomicon]

Have you followed-up on transferring to another position in the hospital? I remember you talking about this.

How are you sleeping? I worked overnights for 2 1/2 years and by the end of the 2 1/2 years I was losing my mind and experienced some of the worst recurrent anxiety. (I've got GAD) I know that hours are kind of terrible for new nurses and the lack of sleep/otherwise will really mess with mood and make anxiety worse.

I also have abandonment issues and isolating is really bad for that. Its really important for my mental health that I stay involved in activities that have me socializing with people. Like I'm working days now, and I need to participate in hobby 2-3 times a week in order to help curb the abandonment because I can't do overtime now and need to feel "wanted" by people. I also have a psychiatrist that does some talk therapy with me every month.

I learned in the 9 years of relationshipping, though, that its important to have support outside of 'loved one' in order to succeed because my problems can be completely overwhelming. Boyfriend has asked me to stop because it stresses him out and he encourages me to see service providers. We also identify those times as "flare ups" and I've started to think of them as isolated events which helps with crisis managing.

I'm not really sure if I'm that helpful, though.

AND SELF CARE. Make sure you are scheduling yourself time off every few months. Caring will burn you out. I work in social work and take vacations 4x a year....

Yeah I'm licensed.

I can't take leave; I just started.

Most hospitals ask for a contract.

I'm making an effort to communicate with friends, and do have some plans to do things. And I'm making attempts at self care. It's frustrating when my usual coping mechanisms aren't working right now. Heck, I got a massage today, and came out just as tense as when I went in. Heck, maybe even more so...she was kind of aggressive. :/

I am not having an issue with the work, it's just that the particular department is not a good fit, and it is obviously not a priority to management to move just me. The anxiety of feeling like my concerns are being ignored is becoming overwhelming. I'd like to say I can suck it up and just do my work, but I'm new. I need the support of my peers in order to do my job, and I am not confident I have that.

My T says a lot of things about it, she is basically supporting my need to get somewhere where I have peace of mind and can be successful. It's not an. "OMG, I can't do this," but a thing where I just don't want to be stuck for three years in a toxic environment. Basically, though, I feel like I just need to complete residency (so like, a little over a year) and then I could cut and run. Really, what are they going to do if I don't complete three years? They aren't paying for my BSN completion; I'm not signing that contract because I don't want to be stuck for another 7 years. They'll tell the next hospital I try to work for I cut out on my contract, but in this day and age, there will be another hospital who hires me. While it may not be ideal, I have a lot of prior healthcare experience, and I believe will find another job. A former coworker of mine was fired, and had a job in the hospital up the hill within a month. I'm a nurse. There are jobs. I just need to get a year's worth of experience, at least.

PS I talked to JD tonight and said that I felt I had treated him unfairly. When I spoke to my T earlier this week she said that, whatever my anxieties, I need to take it down to the fact that he had his out, but he chose to come back knowing how difficult and neurotic I am (she didn't say it like that, those are words I'm using). I've questioned and questioned him, and he's still staying steady. I decided to call him and tell him basically what I just typed and his reaction was, "Yep. Exactly." I said, "I get so anxious with work stuff, and it spills over and then I start thinking, well, maybe he changed his mind by now. But you're an adult, and you can make up your own mind and if you change your mind, you wouldn't be here." And he said, "Yep. And besides, I have the option to just pause you every so often." He means that he can mute the FB conversation or put notifications on mute. And I think sometimes that's necessary, sometimes I can be too much. I had a feeling he did this. I'm glad he acknowledged it. And I don't mind; I said I get it, and it's okay. I think if we were local, we wouldn't make it right now because we'd be around each other more and he couldn't just mute me, haha. I said, "I don't mind you muting me if I get to be too overwhelming, as long as you don't do it too long, and you come back," He said, "Yep. I will. I promise. I'm not going anywhere." Cue the warm fuzzies. We did talk briefly about the anxiety, and he said he understands that I'm in a really uncomfortable place which he's been in before, and that I need to remember to breathe every so often. This is true.

[divine1966]

You got to find something to get you through. Either exercise or a hobby etc something to manage it until you can switch.

You can find another job eventually. Might not be the best hospital with no experience ( you do have experience just not as RN), but will be something, just have to survive this not breaking contract. You don't have BSN? Having BSN might increase your chances of getting better position when you done with this?.

It's good he understands! Sounds like he knows about job stress!

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[ComfortablyNumb5]

Hey ruari, happy nurses week!!

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[divine1966]

Oh yeah ruari happy nurses week! I'm glad somebody said something! I didn't even know! I better do something for my nurse (fiancée) although this week was teacher appreciation week and he didn't know either! Lol

Thank you nurses for all you do! When my mom battled cancer it made me really appreciate nurses

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I don't have a BSN, yet, but I'm going back in August as I'm contracted to go back within 6 months of hire. Already have my financial aid package and everything. It's all online, I'll be done in 18 months.

It's not really feasible to do anything in my field when I'm already licensed. No one will hire me to do anything else; I'm overqualified. I can't be licensed and go back to working as a tech. No hospital would let me do that. And since I've been in healthcare for so long, I don't have enough experience to do anything else which would pay me anything close to a living wage. Not that I want to, I mean. I really like the wage I'm earning now. I'm not considering not working as a nurse. That would be very detrimental to the future of my career, as I need the experience.

And thanks for the nurses week recognition. That's more than my employer said to me. (Truly...we don't get acknowledged much. We were supposed to get free frozen yogurt in the cafeteria today, but they didn't have enough so they scrapped it.)

[divine1966]

I didn't suggest you do anything else other than being a nurse especially not go work as CNA. I am just saying you might get a job somewhere else. By another job I meant another nursing job eventually if this hospital sucks. Not different job. That would be dumb!

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