[galeckifan]

I am so upset, this girl from my church who I thought was my friend had a ladies night get together and posted pictures on FB, and when I asked what it was for and if it was dress shopping she said "No. We were hanging out. And you dont need to be at every social thing I do, ok? Im sorry, but no." What the heck? She hasnt ever invited me to a single social thing shes done, ever. And then I said well sorry for asking I just felt excluded. She said theres no reason you should have felt excluded. But isnt that what you just did? And then to follow it up with an exclusive remark of I dont need to be at every social event you do. Wth? On top of that sh d made a fb post about a sushi get together and when I responded told me itwas cancelled and woulc reschedule it fof next week, then ended up cancelling again because she forgot sh ed had an appointment to get her phone fixed. Then she glared at me at church and didnt end up going to a small group prayer meeting that she was goingto go to after seeing that I was there. I dont know what to do

[divine1966]

She clearly doesn't consider you her friend. You can't really make her. I'd forget about her at this point. It hurts but it's what it is

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[galeckifan]

she has said she is my friend

Originally Posted by galeckifan

she has said she is my friend

But this behavior is not the behavior of a friend. Actions speak louder than words. When people show you who they are, believe them. Many people say things because they do not like conflict. The more you attempt to connect with her when her behavior has clearly indicated that she does not want this, the more she will push you away.

I'm really sorry this is happening; I've been through this more times than I can count. The best thing for your feelings and self-respect is to just leave her alone, cultivate your own interests and other friendships.

Good luck.

[galeckifan]

She hasnt just said shes my friend, shes smiled said hi and hugged me at church and we have hung out outside of church once

Originally Posted by galeckifan

She hasnt just said shes my friend, shes smiled said hi and hugged me at church and we have hung out outside of church once

Well, these things sound like more of an acquaintance. In any case, the fact still remains, her current behavior indicates that she doesn't want to hang out. So my advice stands. I know it stinks and doesn't feel good. It's up to you, though.

[galeckifan]

Originally Posted by Ruari

Well, these things sound like more of an acquaintance. In any case, the fact still remains, her current behavior indicates that she doesn't want to hang out. So my advice stands. I know it stinks and doesn't feel good. It's up to you, though.

Would an acquaintance hang out with me?

[Bill3]

And then I said well sorry for asking I just felt excluded.

What was it about the facebook post that made you feel excluded?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by galeckifan

Would an acquaintance hang out with me?

Yes, and doing so repeatedly sometimes lead to friendships.

[healingme4me]

Maybe your values don't match? Is this the only church for you? Are there other circles within the church?

It truly stinks to not feel this sense of inclusiveness, unfortunately these patterns exist in numerous types of communities.

[divine1966]

I didn't feel included in a congregation I used to belong to. I can relate.

It was very family oriented which is ok as an idea but if you are single you don't click plus it was not in my neighborhood. While my daughter still used to live at home it didn't bother me
because we were still a family and she did all kind of youth things there but as she moved away and joined different congregation I just never fell good belonging to my temple, I continued with it for religious purposes but never felt as a community and then our rabbi retired and new one just didn't feel right. I eventually quit and now can't find the right fit. Funny I didn't quit for a long time because I fell guilty quitting.

I don't need to hang out with friends at religious institution but I want to feel like a community.

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[galeckifan]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What was it about the facebook post that made you feel excluded?

It was a group of girls all from my small group that had gotten together and I wasn't invited

[Bill3]

It sounds like a number of girls in your church small group decided to meet socially, away from church. You were not invited, and then when you inquired about it you got a nasty response.

[TakingMyMeds]

I understand how your feelings can be hurt. It's a little rejection. In life everyone won't want to be your friend. Her actions show that she clearly just wants to be a casual acquaintance (if that) with you. If she wanted to be friends then she would have invited you or she would work towards an active friendship with you. I'd find a new group, a new church, or just be prepared to not be invited out by her. You're there for Christ anyways so remain faithful and maybe he'll send some new REAL friends your way.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by divine1966

She clearly doesn't consider you her friend. You can't really make her. I'd forget about her at this point. It hurts but it's what it is

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this is what I was about to post about her. She's not a friend.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by galeckifan

Would an acquaintance hang out with me?

I thought she hasn't hung out with you and has not invited you to any social events so far, as in your original post? When has she hung out with you or is this all just when you're both at church?

Honestly I think you're making the friendship more than it actually is. she sounds like she's cordial and "friendly" in certain circles but leaves you out in events that matter.

Also she's using "friend" loosely IMO. her actions speak very differently, especially pointing out that you don't need to be at every social event with her which is going out of her way to state that you're not welcome in her social circles to me.

I know it stings but until you accept it for what it is you are going to have a hard time moving forward and past this and find real friends.

[winter4me]

Do you ever initiate a get together and invite others?

[seesaw]

I had a friend who started to put some distance between herself and me once, stopped inviting me to things and then was posting what she was doing on FB. I was very hurt that things she used to invite me to that she had stopped. But I also understood why she did, because I was being a downer with my depression and SH, and she knew way too much about it for even a close friend. (She did A LOT to help me though when I was going through my deepest darkest time, so she really was a real friend.)

But I've had "friends" who excluded me from stuff and it got back to me afterwards and I found out that they intentionally excluded me for one reason or another...so I stopped being friends with them. I recommend the same to you. Be civil to this woman at church but unfriend her on FB and stop worrying about whatever she is doing. Make new friends at church, but she is not someone you can rely on.

Seesaw

[lovethesun]

I agree with seesaw. This so-called friend could also be using FB as a weapon posting stuff that she knows you will see and be hurt by. Honestly it's sad this behavior is occurring between 2 people at a church. Maybe this "friend" needs to ask herself why she's acting this way to people who share her faith. At any rate, this person is not a friend. I'd unfriend her immediately on FB and keep interactions with her to a minimum. Give her the least amount of attention as possible as she's not worth much and focus your energy on people that do matter.

I've had the same situation as Seesaw, where a friend stopped inviting me to stuff abruptly, and upon later reflection I knew it was because I was being a downer. Sometimes you have to "read the room," so to speak. Or, in the case of friends, read the friend. Some friends are a good shoulder to lean on when you feel sad, some are just in your life to hang out with, nothing more, and they don't want to get involved in your emotional life that much. That was this friend for me. She just wanted to hang out and have fun.

On the other hand, sometimes people are just fickle. No other way to explain it. I agree with whomever said it above, unfriend her on FB and move on. No sense in trying to pursue something which is hurting you.

[LiteraryLark]

I would go further into the suggestion of inviting her out, along with several other friends. Go out for ice cream or a slice of pizza. You don't need to wow her, but if you want to be her friend, make her an offer she can't refuse.

Another point someone mentioned is that maybe you are being a downer. I've lost some friends being a downer myself. I know it is not intentional, but sometimes the face gives it away. Practice smiling in the mirror. Seriously. When I go to work or before an interview, I'll spend the fifteen minutes before the start time to simply smile in my rear view mirror. Smiling is just as important at work as it in with your friends and family.

I didn't suggest she was being a downer, I was sharing my experience regarding a friend who had stopped inviting me places.

I have no idea what the reason could be for this individual not being invited. There could be many, there could be no good one. This is one reason why, in the past, it happened to me. So I tried to be better about it.

[black-roses]

I am going to a sound a little judgemental but she sounds a bit sobby acting like shes your friend and then cancelling meetings. I think I would do my best to ignore her and act a bit positive and maybe try making friends with others it will lift your spirits and then you won't be worried about someone excluding you. To be honest facebook can be a downer sometimes when you see others hanging out and putting up pics and then your not there, it can make you compare your life to theres. So avoid comparing your life to others on facebook nothing is always what it seems or appears plus it is a bit unrealistic everyone has all there different paths and things to do. So many your pics are you on a yoga mat exercising energy and maybe your friends is partying with billy joel or something. It's how YOU feel about your life and situation that matters not weither someone else has a funnier life to you but underneath all those party selfies maybe alcoholism and depression you don't know. So don't compare yourself to others I know it can be hard especially now that technology can make you see what others are doing 24/7

[PandorasAquarium]

I've only briefly glanced over others responses here and see the debate rages. For good reason. There are no set rules on how "friends" should behave. No guidebook, unfortunately. As a church goer, I am assuming the Bible is the moral code for the community you and this girl know one another thru, but even if it's not, most religions encourage fellowship.

Regardless, friendship can be hard to define and fickle, especially among women. I have had friends for decades. One, my Maid of Honor ditched me a few months before my wedding. She was going thru problems in her life with her own fiance, family, college, etc. 7 years later, we have rebuilt the bridge again, because she had the ability to see her own failings so long ago and admit to them amd I was able to overlook the crazy pain I went thru at the time. I have another friend who is 15 years older than I and we call each other weekly. We have gone through hell together and laughed our way to the other side.

Then I have another "friend". She's technically my sister-in-law. She took the maid of honor role in my wedding and promptly made the day as miserable as she could (probably because the day wasn't about her.) She's the kind that talks a good talk about how she loooves you and how great a person she is, how she volunteers and gives to charity and on and on. She's perfect. Just ask her.
She would have her "girls days" and when I asked why they didn't call me she'd say, "Oh, I didn't think you'd want to go." Or, I thought you'd be busy." Then if my husband (her bro) and I were to go somewhere remotely near her house or do something (as a couple) that she thought she might like to do, she'd not only banshee-shriek on the phone, but convince her parents to reign verbal hellfire down on us as well, for not including her. I should also mention she has taken the emotional abuse of the silent treatment to a level that is so refined, it's practically an art form.

We no longer talk. After enduring years on emotional and verbal abuse from my SIL, who used to claim she loved me like a true sister, I finally said, "No more." I'm worth more than this, psuedo-family or not.

When people play games with your emotions, that is toxic. When they pretend to care about you, then push you away, then reel you back in, just to do it again...it doesn't matter if they're your so-called friend, a congregation member, or your sister, they are hurting you with head games. It is not worth it.

Some people, like my SIL, use "relational aggression" or "covert" aggression in their relationships, especially with other women - think "Mean Girls". There's plenty of research on it if you want to understand it more. I personally believe they do these sorts of things for a power trip. Hurting you, making you feel rejected and socially isolated while they show off their little posse of friends (whom they're likely to try and turn againat you too) just feeds that ego of theirs. It's not right. It is hurtful. It is confusing when you're on the recieving end, but it is incredibly common. Maybe the worst part about it is that females have perfected the art of socially ruining another without ever painting themselves in a bad light. They do it to you right in front of family and friends and you're the only one who knows what is going on. Their reputation remains unblemished and if you so much as say, "Hey, stop treating me this way," people will say, "but I never saw her do anything. She's always SO sweet." Their are masters of reputation management (a.k.a. hypocrisy).

Some say it's low self esteem that drives the RA behavior. So I now pity my SIL and stay as far away from her venomous manipulating as I can. The nice thing about a covert aggressor is that if you don't play their game (i.e. ask why they don't talk to you, beg for their friendship, get mad and fight back, etc), they usually lose interest and move on. They need fuel to inflate their egos. So you have to stop giving it to them.

I'm not saying that's what is happening with your church friend. I can't know from behind this screen, but maybe my insights will sound familiar. If so, you can start gathering the inner strength and social tools you need to counteract her games and put her in a checkmate if need be.

Good luck. And remember, never base your own value on how anyone else treats you. No one should have to subject themselves to toxic behavior, even when it's disguised under the mantle of religion.