New and In Need

This forum is a last resort for me... I've been contemplating whether or not going to a psychiatrist for a few months, but I thought it might be a good idea to begin here.

My story is a long and interesting one; one I'm almost sure many of you may not have heard anything like before, so bear with me as I attempt to sum it up as much as I can.

Before I really begin, I want it to be known that this situation has not affected me in severely detrimental ways. I am educationally stable as Valedictorian of my graduating class and an aspiring doctor. My goals and plans are unchanged. I am
not suicidal nor interested in hurting myself in any way.

Almost a year ago, I found out that I have a 24 year old half brother. He is the child of my father and current step-mother who had an affair a very long time ago. (I'm an 18 year old boy, by the way). It was a shock, to say the least, to my two sisters and I; yet, it wasn't so much of a surprise due to my father's past of infidelity (my parents were divorced when I was only two). My youngest sister is only 2 days older than my brother and so it goes without saying that she took it the hardest.

Before I get into more details, I was raised by my mother and my two sisters. I spent most of my time around women, both family and friends. Although I saw my father often and also had a step father and uncles that were open to making relationships with me, I was always reluctant and, honestly, scared, to progress any relationship with them due to our differing personalities and incompatibility on a more personal level. I am emotional, loving, intellectual, and family oriented while most of them only lived for fishing and hunting, and constantly talked of topics that were not of interest to me. If you haven't guessed by now, I am gay (which is also a big struggle for me more recently).

Okay, back to the story. When I discovered that I had an older brother, after the shock, I began to learn much more about him before meeting him. I learned of his success in school, much like me, his interests, his career, and his family (he is married with a two year old daughter). In the beginning, I found myself very jealous of him. Honestly, I would cry myself to sleep for the first few weeks, and I am definitely not one to cry or show excessive emotion, especially in front of others. It's my guess that my jealousy stemmed from the fact that he was straight and normal; unlike I who is a, basically, closet gay who has completely hidden secrets buried very,very deep and locked inside myself. I yearned to be like him and to have the normality of his life, even before I had met him.

After an assuringly awkward first meeting, my brother and I began talking often. We started texting back and forth almost everyday: getting to know each other better and better with every passing minute. He is much like me; we share a striking resemblance (both extremely handsome, if I do say so myself), we are both emotional and family oriented, we have similar interests, and almost identical attitudes. It was truly amazing to be able to see how much we were alike after being raised completely separately in different households. However, my reluctancy to develop a relationship with him was there at the start; I was nervous that there was no way for us to get along because of a few major differences: my sexuality and my inability to create relationships with other men. But I was very wrong.

My brother and I began to form a very strong and inseparable relationship; it was completely natural and instinctive and, in my opinion, was only possible due to our genetic similarities and sibling-like connections (superstitious, I know). After a few months, I began visiting on weekends frequently: spending time with him as well as my niece and sister-in-law. I eventually got brave enough and came out to my brother as being gay... I thought it was the only way to get a huge elephant out of the room and also show how much I trusted him and wanted to be closer to him. He was more understanding than I could have ever imagined and said the nicest things to me that made me feel confident our relationship would be unwavering. Besides my brother, I had only told my older sister.

My family was slightly uprooted due to the situation, especially my sisters and mother whom I am very close to, but progressively began to better understand and accept that our relationship was very good for me. Months went on and we grew closer; talking almost everyday and visiting on weekends and breaks (I would go there or he would come to my father's house). A few months ago, I made the decision to enroll to a university close to his house so I could live with him during college; this was an idea that he urged and suggested to me. It was a big decision, but one that I thought important. I thought just maybe, four years might be able to make up for so many unaccounted for. It was hard for my family, but again, they knew it was a good idea that I would benefit from (and save money).

Let me be clear before I move on. I love my brother very much; he is just the same a sibling as my other two full sisters. My brother is my best friend; someone who I look up to, someone who teaches me, someone who motivates me, and someone who has really changed my life in the best way possible. And although it sounds like everything is fine, there are problems that I deal with inside: secret, hidden, and very dark.

I don't know what the problem is. I am searching and searching inside for what it is that is bothering me. I'm trying to figure out what is causing my very distinctive mood swings, my sensitive agitation, and my depression. All of it started a few months ago. I would be so excited to go see my brother for the weekend; it would be all I would think about and the only thing that I would look forward to, and then when I got to his house, my demeanor would almost instantly change from happy to emotionally unstable, anxious, and very easily depressed. I don't know why, and I don't know what changed in my mind in such a short amount of time. I have connection issues; I fear people walking out on me, people thinking I'm weird, or people leaving because I am not completely normal. I feed on attention; it puts me in a good mood and makes me feel loved and important. What I think changed is that my brother began to be more comfortable with me, giving me less attention because of a understood love between us. It is my opinion that this is one of the main things that is affecting me. Am I becoming jealous of his own wife and daughter because he gives them more attention than he does to me? That sounds absolutely absurd and abnormal! But, I think it is what I'm dealing with.

When we are out doing things together and he brings up all of his fun times in high school with all of his friends and all the things he experienced that normal teenage boys experience, I am immediately unsettled. I am envious. I am saddened. I wanted to be there with him for that. I wanted to experience that. I wanted to live that life. I wanted girlfriends. I wanted to get in trouble sometimes. I wanted to be normal. It changes my mood completely; I am noticeably more irritable, more upset, and less outgoing. It is becoming a problem now because my brother is beginning to notice it and he will ask "why do you look so sad" or "why are you always upset". It breaks my heart every time. I love him so much, but I am so envious, I think.

This situation has begun to completely take over my entire life. It's all I can think about. It's the last thing in my head when I fall asleep, it's in my dreams, it's in my thoughts, and constantly at the back of my head even when there are other important things going on. I just want to be happy again. I want to see my brother and be happy. I don't want to be set off by such small and insignificant things. I don't want to be saddened so easily. I don't want to feel jealous. I don't want to be envious. I don't want to be so attention-seeking. I want to live there and be happy while I'm in college. I want to be normal again, like it was during those first few months of getting to know him.

I think about how he could've saved me from being gay a lot. If I would've had a brother to guide me in the right direction, I would be a completely different person. Maybe, I could even have a girlfriend right now. Maybe, I could've been more like him.

Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. I am, very much, in need of help and guidance.

Hi, you have a long and complicated story there, I have a few thoughts but I think I may find it difficult to address everything adequately here. My first thought is that perhaps talking to a therapist about how you are dealing with your sexuality might be a first step. I am not gay but I can understand that it is not an easy life to lead considering how our society handles people who are 'different', whether their skin color, sexual orientation, mental health, whatever. We talk a great talk but obviously the majority of people are not on board with civil rights for all. In saying that, I can see that perhaps watching your older brother living a socially accepted life, married, child, job, house...those are things that you didn't get to grow up with and certainly you have every right to feel you missed out on that. If you feel your sexuality is correct, then growing up alongside your brother would not have made you heterosexual, any more than it would have made you a female.
But I am not a professional person and don't want to cause harm, so my suggestion in that regard is to talk to a psychologist who specializes in sexuality issues.

As for the mood issues, it appears to be situational so I wouldn't be too concerned, except for the fact that it is causing you distress. I think some of us, myself included, tend to live in our heads and we think way too much, connect dots that don't exist, and fantasize a life that probably wouldn't have existed even if circumstances had been different.

Your brother is 6 years older than you. The likelihood of you sharing in his high school adventures is pretty low even had you been full siblings growing up together. I have two sons who are just over 2 years apart and they didn't share experiences either. In fact, they are polar opposites in their personalities. I think the fact that you two are able to connect and love each other as brothers and friends is a pretty astounding thing and you are very lucky that it occurred that way. Perhaps bring yourself more into the present and see things for how they are, rather than how they are not. You grew up loved and cared about, you have another sibling in your life who loves and cares for you, these are good things to think about. And remember, if not for the life you have led, you would not be the young man you are now, smart, ambitious, caring, loving, accepting. Those are qualities you gained from the family that raised you. Try to look at your newfound brother and his family as a welcome addition to your life, another source of acceptance, support and guidance and care that as a young gay man will be a very necessary thing in your life.
I hope this helps some, I don't often write this late in the evening so if I missed anything I apologize. I do wish you the very best, and much success in your future!

Why do you act as if you're ashamed of being gay? It's perfectly normal. It's the way you are. There's no right or wrong gender to love. You're a perfectly normal and perfectly healthy 18 year old boy for being sexually and romantically attracted to other males. Don't let that make you ashamed. The sooner you accept yourself, the sooner you can liberate yourself and be free.

You are who you are, no other outcome could have happened with your sexuality.

Thank you for the reply! It was very assuring. I really appreciate it!