Her ghost follows me across the world....,

So I'm at the airport going from Seattle to Sydney. I'm eating very unhealthy orange chicken and fried rice. Naturally I'm alone. There is eerie feeling that somebody else is sitting across from me but I know it's just a dream. It's her - she haunts my travels. Loneliness really screws up reality - in a confused way. I haven't left my first stop yet and I'm exhausted. No sleep last night - 22 hours to go and I ain't young. I'm already concerned about where my head is at - I've never traveled with this sort of weight on my mind. This time I'm really going to have to push myself to stay interested - I might end up not leaving my hotel. Oh well.

Your obsession with her is really unhealthy!

Socialize. Everything you post about doing you are doing solo - being alone rarely helps when you're lonely and fixated on something/someone!

Take your holiday to chat with other people around your age.

Why even go ?

Why go because I might just dissolve into the floor if I don't do something. I was sitting home for months - this seems like a better idea. Yes I'm alone but what am I supposed to do wait until I'm comfortable with someone - that could be decades. I tried match.com but that's a real empty process. I'm doing therapy and my doctor knows the story. At my age it is just hard to meet people. Sure there are meetup groups but a lot of them have people 20-30 years younger. Same situation. By leaving I thought I could get out of the same environment that perpetuated this whole scenario. What can I say my history is unlike yours - I know you've had relationships. I'm feeling pretty unique in a dark away. I write what I feel - if this offends I'm sorry. Thanks

Go to therapy. You clearly have some serious issues that need to be worked out.

Your feelings do not offend me. I do feel sorry for you that your going through such a hard time. You mentioned just staying in your hotel room so I figured.... why go ???

Macd I think you have a lot of love to give the right person. Of course you have to get over the one you couldn't have first. Life doesn't often give up what we want when we want it.

I do hope your follow through in Therapy. Its hella hard work.. but the work will help you find some peace and confidence in yourself that appears to be lacking.

I hope you find some interesting things to do while on vacation.

Firstly, sorry you're still feeling like this. This seems to be spiralling out of control and getting worse. You've put this woman you barely knew on a pedestal. obviously she is just symbolic of all the relationships that you could have had when you were much younger. There's nothing to say you would be compatable, even had you got together. Maybe a long trip isn't the best idea but ,I'm assuming, you're on your way now. Don't sit in your hotel room. I don't know what you want to do in Sydney. Are you staying there or moving round. Don't stay on your own. Join walking tours, even join meetup groups, even on such a temporary basis.
When you get back I think you should meet this woman face to face tell her everything you've been feeling and your lonely life so far. She may be sympathetic, she may not care, she may laugh in your face. Who knows? Tell her you're going to cease all contact with her. Then tell yourself, that's it, it's over. Draw a line under it. Don't go back to the coffee shop she works at. It's over, move on.

No Mac, you're not unique. There are lots of people, men and women in a similar position for whatever reason. I've said before that my life is similar. I've met a few women in the last few years but nothing came of it. Now? Meh, if I meet someone fine, if not fine. Do I get lonely sure, sometimes. But I go out and do stuff and talk to people. We're gonna die sometime Mac, get out and see the world. Sitting in a hotel in Sydney doesn't count,I'm afraid.

Hope you manage to get out there and do some things.

Hang in there!

Australia sounds exiting but I have to say travel can't cure depression or apathy or whatever, I am not here to diagnose. It's one expensive way to make yourself feel better. And it's apparently isn't even working. You said you have a t, not sure why you aren't getting any help.



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Mac, it's easy for me to say 'get out there' from my PC, but I'm not in your shoes, you sound like your anxiety is triggered at the moment.

All I can think to say is practice your self care, when you feel ready to interact get out there even just a little while - take small steps, be sure to acknowledge each positive step you take even if it's just taking a walk outside your hotel.

I do have some thoughts about what a man your age could do to meet others, but I'm not going to post those right now, just focus on the here and now - make the most of this trip, in whatever way you feel able to.

((Gentle hugs))

The problem with the obsessive thoughts needs to be dealt with first. Thing is no amount of trying to white knuckle your way through it is going to work in your case. It is clearly a seriously strong obsession for whatever reason and I am not judging whether or not you had reason to become this entwined but I think this obsession is clearly going to follow you no matter what you do outside of getting some serious therapy IMO.

I'd say enjoy your trip and do something but I dont' think that's going to work. Considering for me, a trip halfway across the world would carry enough excitement to alleviate most of my worrisome thoughts at least temporarily and it's not doing it for you, I don't know how much the rest of the trip will do so.

I am talking to my therapist. I'm fully aware that there is unhealthy stuff going on. I'm doing wha t I can but I'm getting batterd in the loneliness/relationships area . I hope that I can shake this because at this rate I could end up just giving up - I can't make people love me and I think that's what I need. Therapy is nice but my system is craving something else. This is really really hard. Thanks I'm going to go walk around Sydney.

Hi Mac, I hope you are feeling a bit better. When you say 'giving up ' sometimes not trying is better than trying TOO hard, getting stressed and ultimately making yourself ill. As long as you're out there socialising, meeting people your own age, talking to people being friendly you have every chance of meeting someone. In the meantime enjoy your life. You have the money, enjoy spending it.
You seem to enjoy travelling, have you thought of doing a travel vlog . I watch quite a few on YouTube. You never know THAT might find you a woman. Anyway tell us more about Sydney. best wishes.

No we can't make people love us that's true, but we can work on building healthy connections in our lives and that is a positive step towards deeper friendships/relationships and reciprocal love.

I think love is so much more than romantic type, there is also love in friendships - it's not secondary IMHO those bonds can be just as important and enriching. As ptang says, ease off a little, take conversations as they happen, be curious about people - most people like to talk about themselves.

I have a suggestion for you to consider when you get back. I'm not sure what your living situation is - if you're living in an apartment when your lease is ending I would like to see you consider a 55 and up community. If you're living in a house you own, I'd like you to consider selling it and moving to the same type of community.

Your issue with developing unhealthy attachments to extremely young women is going to get you in trouble one day (either by ending up stalking someone or having some young women take advantage of you financially) and by changing your living situation to one where many people in your age group lives, with communal areas and activities, you will be able to integrate yourself into your peer group and meet others in that group.

Planning a move like this will occupy your mind more and once you move there an initial goal of attending at least 3 group activities per week for the first month or so will put you in contact with your neighbors. Make the coffee shop off limits to yourself and block that person who keeps emailing you.

With all due respect, that sounds like putting someone in an old folks community way before their time. Seriously at 55 one cannot get along in general community anymore? Are we so quick to call someone old at this age?

While I understand someone having a need for a special community for reasons based on mental, health or otherwise debilitating issues but come on, he has issues with socializing which even young people have to deal with. I don't think the issue has anything at all to do with his age. This is something to do with his obsession with someone which can happen to guys or women at any phase of life and does if you just look around this forum a bit.

Pointing out his age which by the way isn't by any means old is rather simplistic and borders on offensive.

Furthermore men dating and even marrying far younger women than themselves is far from out of the ordinary and there are plenty of women who would actually prefer older men. No, it's not every female that prefers this but they are out there.

No his issue has to do with that he became too attached to a woman he can't have and has become obsessed about her that is all. her age really isn't even the factor as much as it is she already is attached to someone and along the way has kind of led him on by her messages. this is what should be focused on.

Mac: I am not sure exactly how you will go about this but this is probably why I'm not a therapist myself but what I think you need is the same thing that I think everyone that feels desperate or pressured to find someone needs. The opposite. When finding a mate, a date, a significant other becomes the main focus of your days without hesitation I say, it is a problem. The best time to find someone to be with is when you are whole, all by yourself and NEED no one else to make you happy. Unfortunately so many of us take a long time to figure this out, some, never do. Find your contentment where you are, in life, mentally and emotionally, independently. It's never too late to find this independence. Sure we shouldn't isolate ourselves from the world, and I'm not suggesting this but being independently confident IN society is an entirely different thing than I am saying. Being social but NOT overly needing others. having friends but being able to get by without them also and being happy as a single person.

Well I own my condo so moving would be costly. Also I have to agree that I'm not really interested in senior housing yet. I wish I could back a couple years because I was okay with myself. Apparently comingling with people, for me anyway, can be disastrous. This makes it even scarier - another round of this and I could be done - emotionally anyway. Thanks!

I was not describing a nursing home, for Pete's sake. A 55+ community is where ACTIVE SENIORS live in apartments and are free of house chores, repairs, etc. Group outings and activities are scheduled daily and people are free to congregate at those activities or not as they wish.

The way you're living now is extremely unhealthy, isolated, ruminating on this person you think is flirting with you.

I've often read these threads but never commented til now. Would you consider these 2 ideas?
Rent a Friend To Meet New People And Find Platonic Companionship Companion Caregiver Respite This is a global service, where you can hire a friend to teach new a new skill, go with you somewhere, keep you company and so on. Think of it like a way to learn about relationships.
Old Fashioned Dating Agencies - Elan London, Traditional Matchmaking. I live in England, so this is the UK equivalent of old fashioned dating agencies. It's not online, your profile can't be seen by the entire world, you have face to face meetings with a consultant who works with you to find the right partner. I'm sure they must have these in other countries. Here it's like an elite form of dating for people who don't feel comfortable playing the numbers game online and who want to take time to find the right person.
Hope you enjoy your trip.

I never thought you were describing a nursing home but again, I still think it is rather extreme.

I suppose if his age, in his mind was what was making him feel isolated and separated from society, it would make sense. I just don't think his being over 55 has anything to do with his condition and his issue. I think being in a community with any type of socialization is going to be the same thing if he's already CHOOSING for the most part, not to participate in socializing. It presents a community where that's available but I don't think it's unavailable to him now to find groups and communities to be involved with, he just chooses the lifestyle he has, albeit, not healthy choices but clearly this is an issue with his social skills which I believe will follow him into a community of 55+ just the same.