A week of serious introspection

Read your posts. Sorry you are ill and hope you feel better soon. I understand needing someone to be there for you. irrespective of all the back and forth with texting and so forth, there is nothing like having someone come over to make you tea when you need it.

That is true

The guy is 9 hours away, I'm in West Michigan, he's in Eastern Tennessee. But yeah. He did know I was sick, and other than saying, "Poor sick girl..." when I told him, I realized earlier this evening that he never asked again how I was doing. Dude, I have asthma...I told him I had bronchitis (didn't know I had pneumonia), but that's still a big deal. Alas. I know he has a sister who, about a month and a half ago, overdosed and ended up in the ER (shed a known addict). Being the oldest of four, he had to go over and run that intervention and work shyt out. It affected him very, very deeply. Did I ever ask about that mess in his life? Nope. Come to think of it, things started going downhill right after S overdosed. Not that it's my fault for not asking, but I don't think I really knew or stopped to actually ask what was going on in his life. He isn't one to just say he's struggling with stuff. Yeah, I will stop beating myself up. Eventually. But damn, I was selfish.

Everyone comes through your life for a reason. I just wish his hadn't been to teach me this stuff I needed to learn. I'm tired of learning this stuff.

I know how you feel

Yeah I can totally see that reflecting on it more.

I suppose it is really good to define what is good and bad for you and how to watch out for it if you've never really done it before!

In high-school I was in abusive relationships and that's what made me realize I have to learn how to read people and their nature and look at their actions, which always speak louder than words. I guess you could say I actually made a mental list of what is acceptable and what is not, really. :P

Hang in there ruari. Sending hugs

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Work is a good distraction, even though it was a really crazy day.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore when I leave, no messages on my phone asking how my day was. I don't want to do anything when I get home but go to bed. I don't think I've eaten today.

I don't know how to describe why I feel so sad, because it's so stupid to me. Let's get real, this is not the first time I've lost this person. But this is the only time I've felt in such despair. I don't actually think this is about him.

It was exciting and promising. Of course you are sad. Plus the complete block, that's icing on the cake from my point of view. There needed to be no hesitation on his end, whatsoever. There is that subtle feminine/male power distinction that really needs to be there. If anyone needed to be more insecure, it's him. Not that it's something to hold on them, but it brings balance to relationships.

Maybe there is another reason you feel so much despair this time. Are there other things you've been anxious about in your life that maybe you were avoiding and or using your relationship as a way to avoid other things?

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I think he was more insecure, I think that's why he blocked me. I told him, "I just don't think this is a good idea after all," after we'd had a long talk about communication the previous night (but nothing seemed to change) and BOOM, "We are done. Leave me be," and I was blocked. Actually, I don't freaking know. I really don't. I think everything I thought I knew was an image he has been successful at projecting of this witty, rogue-ish, bantering sword fighting, slightly nerdy journalist by trade, SCA player by hobby who loves to bat around jokes and innuendo, but has a big heart. The more I got to know him and dig underneath that, though, the more I found that this was all he liked to show of himself. If I asked any deep questions, he shut down after too long, "That's something I'd like to let lie for now, I'm too tired to talk about it tonight." Come to think of it, there were a lot of things like that. It was like a forest...I'd get so far in before the trees would get too thick and eventually I couldn't pass and would have to turn back. I just don't think he could open himself up. I think he did the best he could. That night we talked about communication, he did open up more than I'd seen him...so the fact that I seemingly rejected him the next day probably caused an overreaction. I didn't reject him, really, I just couldn't keep making excuses (which I continue to do).

It comes down to we're both flawed. My heart hurts for his flaws, because I know where they come from. But...that's the thing. They make my heart hurt.

I'm anxious about a lot of things, but I don't avoid them. There just isn't much I can do about them.

The biggest thing is my job. I don't like it. I would almost go so far as to say I hate it...I don't know why I became a nurse. I truly dread going to work. And JD knew this, knew how I would cry on my way home every day, and would just tell me, "I can't imagine doing what you do. You're doing a good job. It's all going to be okay. Just breathe." No one else tells me that. I have no one else who I can text and say, "Work was rough," and have them say exactly what I need to hear.

I really needed August to happen. But I don't think it's about him. I just...I don't know. Maybe it is about him a little, but only because he was a constant in my life for YEARS, just always there, even though we weren't really close until recently. And now he's gone, and he'll never be back. Even if way down the road things shook out (they won't), it will never be the same.

I hate my job. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling unsupported, unloved, and alone. My life is, for all intents and purposes, half-lived, and no one has ever loved me. I don't want to do this anymore.

And I guess...I don't know. I guess some of the pain is that it felt really good to have someone say that they had been paying attention to me for years. And I knew he was, I just didn't reciprocate. Four years. That's a long time. And it disintegrated in a few months? I mean...it just seemed like the scenario where, if anything were going to work out in my life, relationship-wise, it would be this one. He had been interested for so long. The long distance meant that we could get to know each other without sex clouding our judgment. And there were so many other reasons that I don't really want to go into why it seemed like it would work. It makes me so sad he just ****ing...quit.

I feel like he just gave up on me.

I wonder if ER is the right setting for you? It might not be right placement. You might thrive as a nurse in a different place. Sometimes working in the right place is so important. Hating ones job is not something one can endure for too long. Just give it time when you can switch to something. Maybe same hospital just different placement

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That's certainly an insight worthy of revisiting. It's important for a man to be in tune with who he is, where he's been, lessons that he has learned.

Couples do argue, I've had my fair share. It's usually a growth aspect, when both sides get where from the past it comes from. Not the past of the relationship itself, but the old wounds from the past.

This experience sounds like it brought out how hurt you feel about your own dad. My dad went and placed his second family first, plus the rudeness and condensation during those years was overwhelming, painful and left for lots of anger. It is something that lingers beneath the surface, plays out in withdrawing within relationships, not that I can't be gently nudged back, but that takes someone pretty sensitive and in tune. Someone that can overcome their own predispositions for feeling cast off, slighted ego, insecure, what have you.

The whole thing about long distance is that one can really get to know a person on the inside during times apart. The downside is the need for tremendous patience, trust and commitment. Commitment at a distance is complicated at best. But then again, I've seen it complicated locally, so probably not the best choice in a word.

I agree about the use of the word overreacted. It hits my nerve when it seems like the man tries some type of power play, such as asserting boyishly, "I'm not going to talk to you, then, because you mentioned doubts." well jd didn't say that to you specifically, but it can be taken that way. I've had about 2 moments in 3 years where it's been a matter of looking for the other shoe to drop, a combination of exhaustion, etc. And poof! I knew it, just like my ex and my ex...I'm not going through this...click.

It's truly a matter of letting them sleep on it, at that point. This block is mind boggling, to me, personally. I think it would play on my mind too if placed in that circumstance.

I know he blocked in some kind of frenzy but I thought he apologized and unblocked and two of you are talking, not romantically at this point but still. I felt that he felt bad he reacted in a mean way at first. I might be wrong

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I tried to switch departments, remember? No one else wanted me.

He said he felt he overreacted. But he never unblocked me (this most recent time). I chalked it up to the fact that I'd really lost my shyt that night. I mean, the turning off of the voicemail (done earlier in the week because he "didn't want to be bothered" when we had been arguing), the not calling...and then the blocking. I rarely get so angry that I'm literally shaking, but I was there. And I said a lot of stuff. I took potshots at previous relationships...I was a bit emasculating. No name calling, but I was really angry. So I took the continued blocking to be that he needed time. I had apologized and said I had originally planned on checking back in with him after giving things time and he said, "I'd hoped you would do that." I didn't really give it time, though...I said, "I miss my friend" only a few days later. But it was his choice to say, "I miss you, too," keep up a text volley for a few hours, and then, true to form, be stingy with communication for the rest of the week. I'm talking he would text a one sentence reply about mid morning every day. One day, he sent only a winky face to a text where the last thing I said was, "...although I would like to be unblocked. " That was probably Friday? And as of yesterday evening, I was still blocked. So either he wasn't ready, or he was trying to gain some sense of power or dignity or whatever.

He alluded to the fact previously that my pushing reminded him of his ex-wife and the domestic badness. I'll bet my going off on him did as well. I seriously resent being compared to a woman who caused him a serious breakdown; I have my own issues but it's not fair to have put me in her shadow. He once said, "I don't think you're trying to be crazy hurtful the way she was." And the night he blocked me, I got so mad that I was like, "You've pushed and pushed me to my limit of what I can accept from you. Did you want to see my crazy hurtful?? Congrats, you've succeeded."

I'll bet we were both testing each other's limits. Me, to see how far I could push until he left. Him, to see how far he could push until I bit at him, and how hard the bite would be. Well...I bite pretty hard.

But if you two do still text then you aren't blocked? I am confused on whole block thing. I would assume if you are blocked you wouldn't be able to text either?



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Just FB. And he turned off voicemail. At this point, I could be blocked on text, I have no idea, and I am not going back to find out. But before, he had said no, he never blocked my texts.

Oh ok. Thank you for clarifying. Blocking seems kind of bizarre extreme measure to me as i would only do it if in danger or harassment case. His loss

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It's truly unnecessary to be compared to an ex, at any point, even in a time of heightened emotion. Maybe he's just not in the right capacity to have a relationship? His idea of setting his boundaries seems like he might feel out of control? It's like he's laying down the law with you.

He might be a control freak. I can't imagine anyone just blocking people after a break up.

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I think so, too. Seems like one could just verbalize, though. Especially when I ask.

I've blocked people. It's sometimes a passive-aggressive thing. And on FB, sometimes if you have mutual friends, you just don't want to see the other person. But we don't have mutual friends. For him, he would say he just didn't want to be bothered. But really...it's an immature, passive-aggressive way to exert power, because he likely doesn't feel he has much.

I don't know. I wish I knew, but I never will. Might as well just forget the fool, same as the rest. And the beat goes on.

My t says no point trying to figure out why people do what they do, we might never get an answer. I know it's frustrating but true

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I'm not even bothering with it. In my mind (if I choose to think about it), he's a lonely-ish man who rarely hangs out with friends unless his son is involved (because he is friends with his son's friend's parents...or something...but come on) and spends the rest of his time very predictably. Every so often he'll throw computer games in the mix.

I can't honestly think of anything we had in common. I'm not really sure why he liked me. Don't really think he did...just the idea. Oh well.