[Hedgeleaf]

There is a man at my work who is romantically interested in me. He's not said it to me.... Yet, however colleagues have told me he's expressed and interest in my 'dating life' and was asking if im seeing someone as he wanted to take me out.

I've got no interest in him whatsoever. To me he's just Jim who I work with. That's it

I'm worried I'll be caught off guard at lunch time one day and he'll ask me out.

Rubbish at this type of thing... Advice?

[CobolCapsule]

Tell him your involved with somebody. Thats letting him down gently.

[TishaBuv]

You can always tell him you don't want to date anyone you work with because it puts both your jobs at risk adding the relationship element whether it does or doesn't work out.

[divine1966]

Either tell him you don't want to date at work or that you are dating someone

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[scorpiosis37]

If you don't want to lie and "make up" a boyfriend, just say that you are not interested in dating at this time in your life. period. If you say you're not interested in dating, he can't really argue with that.

[s4ndm4n2006]

why not be honest for once, come on, letting someone down gently - does it have to mean making some sh* up? Just tell him honestly but kindly that you're not interested in dating him. If people were more honest in life it would all be so much easier.

Even if he's hurt, thing is isn't it better that he's going to be disappointed and hurt but at least was told the truth? if you make something up then you have crap to cover up later if the subject comes up again in everyday conversation like "I don't want to date you because I'm involved" then in passing he hears you and another co worker talking bout some other guy that asked you out and the truth comes out. then he'll really be hurt. Yeah.

I figure if he seems like a decent guy but you dn't want to date him you can actually be nice and tell him no. it's not that complicated!

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

why not be honest for once, come on, letting someone down gently - does it have to mean making some sh* up? Just tell him honestly but kindly that you're not interested in dating him. If people were more honest in life it would all be so much easier.

Even if he's hurt, thing is isn't it better that he's going to be disappointed and hurt but at least was told the truth? if you make something up then you have crap to cover up later if the subject comes up again in everyday conversation like "I don't want to date you because I'm involved" then in passing he hears you and another co worker talking bout some other guy that asked you out and the truth comes out. then he'll really be hurt. Yeah.

I figure if he seems like a decent guy but you dn't want to date him you can actually be nice and tell him no. it's not that complicated!

Honest for once? When have I not been honest?

I only asked for advice how to let him down without being nasty, never suggested telling a lie

[curiously1]

Say that it was really sweet of him but you're not looking to date right now.
If he asks why just say "Sorry" and look all awkward so he hopefully gets the hint to not ask further questions.. and just walk away.

[Talthybius]

I vote for 'be honest', but that's just how I feel I think I would like to be treated.

Pretty sure s4ndm4n2006 referred to the general case of people not being honest about it, not you personally.

I would just say how you feel. If you don't feel romantic attraction, tell him.

In fact, you don't tell us why you don't consider him as a romantic interest. You just say he is some guy you hadn't noticed, right?

So if you don't feel like going out of your way to explore if there is a possibility of a romantic connection with a collegue, just say that.

Of course I don't mean for you to tell him he is too short and not attractive enough, if that is what you think.
But when you tell him you won't date him because he is a collegue, what do you do if he quits his job, then asks you again? I mean, I am sure it happened once.
Same with saying, lying, you have a boyfriend, or aren't looking for a relationship.

Do people here really think that a person hearing an excuse will think, "Oh, she meant to say that she doesn't think I meet her mating requirements. But she was so nice about telling me. She is so considerate in rejecting me. I feel better about myself now."?

These white lies are toxic, I feel.

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

I vote for 'be honest', but that's just how I feel I think I would like to be treated.

Pretty sure s4ndm4n2006 referred to the general case of people not being honest about it, not you personally.

I would just say how you feel. If you don't feel romantic attraction, tell him.

In fact, you don't tell us why you don't consider him as a romantic interest. You just say he is some guy you hadn't noticed, right?

So if you don't feel like going out of your way to explore if there is a possibility of a romantic connection with a collegue, just say that.

Of course I don't mean for you to tell him he is too short and not attractive enough, if that is what you think.
But when you tell him you won't date him because he is a collegue, what do you do if he quits his job, then asks you again? I mean, I am sure it happened once.
Same with saying, lying, you have a boyfriend, or aren't looking for a relationship.

Do people here really think that a person hearing an excuse will think, "Oh, she meant to say that she doesn't think I meet her mating requirements. But she was so nice about telling me. She is so considerate in rejecting me. I feel better about myself now."?

These white lies are toxic, I feel.

Thanks

I just don't feel anything for him and that won't change. He's not my type but I feel bad abit disappointing people so don't want to come across as nasty to him. But hey, it probably won't even happen, I'm sure he won't proposition me in the kitchen at work ha ha

I'm not fully against dating at work but it's not something I'd want to persue unless there was obvious chemistry and I knew there was a chance.

He works in a different department and we have to liaise quite often and I'm worried it could make things awkward

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

why not be honest for once, come on, letting someone down gently - does it have to mean making some sh* up? Just tell him honestly but kindly that you're not interested in dating him. If people were more honest in life it would all be so much easier.

Even if he's hurt, thing is isn't it better that he's going to be disappointed and hurt but at least was told the truth? if you make something up then you have crap to cover up later if the subject comes up again in everyday conversation like "I don't want to date you because I'm involved" then in passing he hears you and another co worker talking bout some other guy that asked you out and the truth comes out. then he'll really be hurt. Yeah.

I figure if he seems like a decent guy but you dn't want to date him you can actually be nice and tell him no. it's not that complicated!

I would rather make up a white lie than tell a co-worker you just aren't interested in dating them because it'll make things uncomfortable at work. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

[Bill3]

I'm not fully against dating at work but it's not something I'd want to persue unless there was obvious chemistry and I knew there was a chance.

He works in a different department and we have to liaise quite often and I'm worried it could make things awkward

So it is truthful to say (and seemingly not too hard to accept) that you don't want to date people that you are working with.

[Talthybius]

How is it more uncomfortable to have unambigiously rejected someone vs letting someone down gently?

The awkwardness is in the person making the approach. And that is done already, if a rejection is necessary.

If anything at all, the rejection leading to a second approach, as it wasn't a clear enough rejection, that is what leads to more awkwardness.

The person infatuated and being rejected knows what she or he can expect and it helps them being more professional.
Yeah, you probably can't be colleagues AND friends, and yeah, it will be embarrasing for the person doing the appraoch if other's know about the infatuation and the rejection, but that's something different.

I don't see how leaving a doubt in the mind of the infatuated person is helping it be less awkward.

[TishaBuv]

Because sometimes people act badly when they are rejected. Either they might feel hurt and harbor bad feelings or they could even make life difficult for you in the workplace.

[Talthybius]

But they are getting rejected either way.

I guess this is just me being navieve or the black hole inside my 'social skills'. I find this quite puzzling, to be honest. But you may not be wrong. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't experience a lot of drama and I used to think it happens just on tv, but when I read here, there are a lot of very strange things, bad things, people do inside relationships.

[brandon9]

As a male who has been rejected every time (9+) I've ever liked a girl in a romantic way, I fully 100% say there is NO SUCH THING as "letting someone down gently". It is an impossibility. Rejection is a *****, it hurts, and there is no sugarcoating it.

In many cases, being "let down gently" hurts more than just being flat out told no. I've experienced both types of rejection before and it's incomparably easier following a blunt refusal than coping with a "you're a nice guy, but...." scenario. Those are the ****ed up situations that lead to problems down the road - still liking the girl, holding out for a chance you think you might still have, tension while being near each other, a lack of proper "closure" on the matter for the guy involved, the list goes on and on.

Tell your coworker the truth, don't beat around the bush with him. I know as a male I do not like when girls try to "be overly compassionate/nice/seemingly caring while crushing my hopes and affections". Say that you aren't interested, not compatible, what have you, from the beginning. Don't tell the man half a truth because it might seem easier on your end - because on his end, it's not.

Hope that little bit of insight helps.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by brandon9

As a male who has been rejected every time (9+) I've ever liked a girl in a romantic way, I fully 100% say there is NO SUCH THING as "letting someone down gently". It is an impossibility. Rejection is a *****, it hurts, and there is no sugarcoating it.

In many cases, being "let down gently" hurts more than just being flat out told no. I've experienced both types of rejection before and it's incomparably easier following a blunt refusal than coping with a "you're a nice guy, but...." scenario. Those are the ****ed up situations that lead to problems down the road - still liking the girl, holding out for a chance you think you might still have, tension while being near each other, a lack of proper "closure" on the matter for the guy involved, the list goes on and on.

Tell your coworker the truth, don't beat around the bush with him. I know as a male I do not like when girls try to "be overly compassionate/nice/seemingly caring while crushing my hopes and affections". Say that you aren't interested, not compatible, what have you, from the beginning. Don't tell the man half a truth because it might seem easier on your end - because on his end, it's not.

Hope that little bit of insight helps.

I do agree and well said, much better than I could have put it and I too have been rejected at times so I am with you on that.

I do think at times some women may actually feel that way like they don't do it to make it worse, and do think the guy is nice but even in those cases I think it still pours salt in the wound by trying too hard to be nice and let someone down gently.

Fact: rejection is like running really fast down the street and hitting a brick wall that knocks you on your *****. NO amount of covering that wall with nice words will soften the blow, the guy will always feel "knocked on his *****"

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I do agree and well said, much better than I could have put it and I too have been rejected at times so I am with you on that.

I do think at times some women may actually feel that way like they don't do it to make it worse, and do think the guy is nice but even in those cases I think it still pours salt in the wound by trying too hard to be nice and let someone down gently.

Fact: rejection is like running really fast down the street and hitting a brick wall that knocks you on your *****. NO amount of covering that wall with nice words will soften the blow, the guy will always feel "knocked on his *****"

This

He is nice. He's polite and friendly just a normal guy but for me he's not someone id be interested in that way. I'm just not attracted to him in any way.

And I don't want to lie to his face but instead i just wanted to know a way to tell him (if the situation arose) without really hurting him

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

This

He is nice. He's polite and friendly just a normal guy but for me he's not someone id be interested in that way. I'm just not attracted to him in any way.

And I don't want to lie to his face but instead i just wanted to know a way to tell him (if the situation arose) without really hurting him

I'm sorry. I understand, you sound kind but the reality is there is no way at all. NO to someone asking another out is going to hurt period, every. single. time.

It's unfortunate but true.

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm sorry. I understand, you sound kind but the reality is there is no way at all. NO to someone asking another out is going to hurt period, every. single. time.

It's unfortunate but true.

It's ok you don't need to apologise, thank you tho

Didn't think this thread would get as much response as it has lol

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

It's ok you don't need to apologise, thank you tho

Didn't think this thread would get as much response as it has lol

LOL well I'm here. I think I'm known for following almost all threads if not replying to the majority of them. not that that's always a good thing hahaha.

[Talthybius]

Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

This

He is nice. He's polite and friendly just a normal guy but for me he's not someone id be interested in that way. I'm just not attracted to him in any way.

And I don't want to lie to his face but instead i just wanted to know a way to tell him (if the situation arose) without really hurting him

Assuming he gets hurt by a rejection, which seems likely, he gets hurt by the rejection itself, not by the delivery. The only way not to hurt him, not to reject him, is to accept his offer, when it comes.

It is not easy to reject someone, especially when you are suddenly put in that situation. The person doing the approach can at least be prepared. But you have to do it as an adult, as a mature strong person. Just as the person doing the approach is making himself, or herself, vulnerable, there is no way for the person doing the rejection to take no risks.
And yes, if you are truly not interested, you have to crush that person's hopes and fantasies to get together someday. Because if you haven't crushed those feelings, you haven't rejected that person.

Therefore, there is little room for niceties while doing the rejection. Whatever tension or adversity there may be after a rejection, you amend those later. You don't do it during the rejection, or you give off mixed signals.
Talk to that person that person a few days later to clear the air. They can't do it as they just approached you and didn't get a 'yes'.

Now, all that I say ignores the idea that ther's crazy, vengeful, immature, undisciplined people out there, which there probably are.

[brandon9]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Fact: rejection is like running really fast down the street and hitting a brick wall that knocks you on your *****. NO amount of covering that wall with nice words will soften the blow, the guy will always feel "knocked on his *****"

One of the best descriptions of rejection I've seen, that really captures the underlying theme of it

[brandon9]

Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

This

He is nice. He's polite and friendly just a normal guy but for me he's not someone id be interested in that way. I'm just not attracted to him in any way.

And I don't want to lie to his face but instead i just wanted to know a way to tell him (if the situation arose) without really hurting him

Honestly, I would tell him this regardless. Make it blatantly, absolutely clear that you're just friends/coworkers/etc. Ask him if he is interested in you (as you believe he is, yes?) and if he is, nip it in the bud. Don't let him harbor feelings of attraction for a longer duration of time, trust me I have lived that experience and it is one of the worst imaginable, to hold out on someone who never liked you in the first place just because you didn't know.

But, also, as it's been said, he's going to be hurt. It's inevitable. But the kindest thing to do is be totally honest with him and not beat around the bush with it.