My cousin's husband (I live with my cousin, her husband and their 14 year old son)dislikes being around me for many reasons, mostly because of how I react to things. He is a "tough guy" type who never shows emotion. He seems to think that when I react to things I do it on purpose because he shakes his head at me when I do or tells me I'm being dramatic. Some examples I had with him:

1. Today in the car his son accidentally bumped my arm with the hot seatbelt and it burnt me. It also shocked me. I screamed really, really loud. He glared at me for 5 seconds and then shook his head and sighed. I understand how it may have hurt people's ears for me to scream but I don't know how to prevent this in the future when the .5 miliseconds between the pain and the reaction isn't enough time for me think about how I'm reacting and how it will affect others.

2. One time in a restaurant I said something to him and he thought I said something else and snapped at me really loud. I cried for 4 hours afterwards because I thought he hated me. I've been told by people since I was a child that I needed to "control my crying". I've tried. When something upsets me, I honestly feel like I lose control of the tears. I've tried holding my breath, thinking of something else, or closing my eyes but nothing works. It's the biggest mystery to me how someone can stop crying when told. Children get punished for crying alone...I don't see how it is possible to just turn something off. And if crying isn't necessary, why do we do it naturally in the first place? I don't enjoy it. It gives me a headache and makes me sick. And that day in the restaurant I was embarrassed enough to be crying in public and I wanted more than anything to stop. (I moved away from him the first chance I get so I didn't bother him, but he still expected me to just stop).

3. I gasp at sudden sounds because they hurt my ears and I get shocked easily. He doesn't understand this and again just expects me to be like him and not do it.

4.This one I feel really bad about. I scream in my sleep sometimes, that's what other people say. I have no memory at all of it, I'm completley asleep when I do. I have woke them up a few times. Again, I understand why someone would be upset about getting woke up but even though I wish not to do it I'm not sure what the solution is because I don't even remember when it happens.

Because he keeps everything inside, he is very miserable. He complains about everything under his breath and just never seems happy. Maybe reactions exist for a reason. I may cry for 4 hours, but at least it releases things and I don't permanantly keep it all inside. I just want to ask him where he defines the line for "dramatic". Had I just gasped when it hit me would that still be dramatic or is that reaction acceptable by him?

I also wish to add that he does nice things for me like helping me learn to write a check but does not understand me or my mental problems and doesn't want to understand.

Sometimes I will go places with them because I want to belong with my family, but something always happens and I am reminded of how much he hates me.

Those are pretty "dramatic" responses (with the exception of the the dreaming) that many people would have trouble being around with regularity. They seem like very young responses but I don't know your age. I assume you are in therapy? There is nothing wrong with crying, but 4 hours over a misunderstanding is awfully long. Hopefully you can work in therapy on gaining some emotional regulation. It must be exhausting to have such strong reactions to things.

We can't change other people or make them like us.

We can only work on ourselves.

It's unfortunate that you have to live in an environment where you feel you aren't getting the understanding or support you need for your mental health issues.

Do you see a therapist?

Perhaps they can help you find other living arrangements?

If not, perhaps they can involve the family in your treatment program so they will be a little more understanding and helpful?

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Deleted.

-Deleted.

[Ceridwen18]

Hi Anna72914,
I understand where you are coming from. I also understand why the "young" comment irritated you. I think what the person meant (please correct me if I misinterpret), that as we grow up and the process of socialisation is absorbed, most people learn to regulate their emotions. Most, not all. Emotional regulation is difficult for many of us with MIs. People can learn to regulate their emotions, and choose their reactions, but you have to be in the right headspace, and it is a lot of work. It is something I struggle with, and I'm 48.
This is what I'm working on with my T.
Funny thing, I am a teacher, and at work, I have no problems. At home with my family, where my emotions are much closer to the surface, I struggle.

[Ceridwen18]

I hope the above comment helps in some way. My partner doesn't like my reactions, he says, "Why do you have to react like that?" He is very controlled and doesn't let other people see the real him. In fact, he prides himself on it. I am not like him, and that's that. He also doesn't understand why I still carry pain from my childhood. Fine, he doesn't need to understand. I just keep working away at myself, but I do it for myself, because I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, it's too painful and confusing.
It has taken me until my forties to confront this.
Living alone may be the answer, it may not. I don't think you are incompatible with the human race. I think you are a highly sensitive young woman who is struggling with a lot of pain. Hugs

Originally Posted by Ceridwen18

I hope the above comment helps in some way. My partner doesn't like my reactions, he says, "Why do you have to react like that?" He is very controlled and doesn't let other people see the real him. In fact, he prides himself on it. I am not like him, and that's that. He also doesn't understand why I still carry pain from my childhood. Fine, he doesn't need to understand. I just keep working away at myself, but I do it for myself, because I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, it's too painful and confusing.
It has taken me until my forties to confront this.
Living alone may be the answer, it may not. I don't think you are incompatible with the human race. I think you are a highly sensitive young woman who is struggling with a lot of pain. Hugs

Yeah I think every person is 100% different and to lump them together or have a norm is pointless. I don't know, sometimes I think I live on a different planet and view things entirely different from the majority of people. Forsomeone to age emotionally, it takes proper work and care, things don't automatically just happen because time goes by.

I'm glad you understand

And I'm also glad you are getting better.

[Ceridwen18]

You are so right, it takes work and care, and if that hasn't happened in your childhood, it becomes up to you in adulthood. That's scary, and not the way it's meant to be. It's so much harder. Do you have a good T?

[Lauliza]

Unfortunately people do alter their reactions for the sake of other people, so in that respect your reactions would be pretty dramatic. There is nothing wrong with crying, but people usually do so in private. When people are around others they will usually hold back tbr treys since it tends to make for an awkward atmosphere. In this case your reaction was out of proportion to the event, so I can understand his thinking you were being dramatic, even though it wasn't your intention. Does your therapist work on regulating your emotions with you?

Deleted.

[Bill3]

Are you aware of the concept of the highly sensitive person?

If not, you might be interested in this site: The Highly Sensitive Person

As a child, I cried often. My parents were not understanding of it at all. They shamed me. They said that I was a baby, as did many peers. I was teased often for crying. None of this made me stop crying, it just made me feel rejected and unworthy. Based on that experience, I think that nonjudgmental acceptance, not silence, not criticism, and not disdain, is the way to help a person stop crying.

In the event you described in your original post, you said that you cried for four hours because you thought that he hated you. Thus, it sounds like it wasn't the misunderstanding that caused the four hours of tears, it was the thought that he hated you.

From your other posts, I remember that you have experienced abandonment and have suffered a lot because of it. Any type of felt rejection, then, can perhaps trigger your feelings of abandonment, and perhaps lead to a lot of crying.

I expect that if your cousin's husband were clearly and nonjudgmentally accepting of you as a person, rather than shaking his head at you and being silent, it would be easier for you to manage the emotional impact of misunderstandings. How long do you think you would have cried if you knew in your heart that he accepted without judging you?

Originally Posted by Ceridwen18

Hi Anna72914,
I understand where you are coming from. I also understand why the "young" comment irritated you. I think what the person meant (please correct me if I misinterpret), that as we grow up and the process of socialisation is absorbed, most people learn to regulate their emotions. Most, not all. Emotional regulation is difficult for many of us with MIs. People can learn to regulate their emotions, and choose their reactions, but you have to be in the right headspace, and it is a lot of work. It is something I struggle with, and I'm 48.
This is what I'm working on with my T.
Funny thing, I am a teacher, and at work, I have no problems. At home with my family, where my emotions are much closer to the surface, I struggle.

I didn't see your responses before you deleted them Anna, and I didn't mean to offend you -- I wasn't saying that to be insulting. What I meant was that your reaction seems to come from a very young place. In other words, it is as if a very young version of yourself is reacting. In some therapies, they work with the inner child or the person at various stages of their emotional development. Have your therapists ever done any of that kind of work with you?

no, don't worry. i over react sometimes as you know. . i used to say that i am at the emotional level of a 3 year old...so yes i understand.

maybe when my mind is clearer i will add more to this thread later. i deleted my responses because they were over reactions about being called dramatic. just not in a good place right now sorry.

[Bill3]

(((((Anna72914)))))

[divine1966]

Anna have you been diagnosed with anything that might causing such reactions. It might be due to something that isn't deliberate. Speak to your doctor about it. It might be something that could be taken care of with your doctors or therapist

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I do hope you feel better, if you are upset. This community accepts you just as you are and we are here to support you, not judge you.