[KaylaLee]

I'm home from university for the summer and it was ok for the first couple of months but now my mum constantly puts me down and tells me off for not doing things her way, even when said things are not relevant to her. She's thankfully backed off about my weight (used to be paranoid about me becoming overweight/looking fat despite me never even being close to that) but still tries to control my eating to an extent, and now gets at me about housework, university work, what I do during the day, being insufficiently "ladylike" (sitting wrong, speaking wrong, eating wrong etc.)... Pretty much everything. Her main complaint seems to be that she is very busy and I am not (because I am on holiday...) and she often tells me that I'm very negative when in fact she's incredibly negative a lot of the time and I have been working hard on not being negative. She also seems incapable of asking me to do things without first guilt tripping me and after most conversations with her, however brief, I end up feeling ****** and depressed and hating myself. Everytime I call her out on her guilt trips, shaming and negativity she acts hurt and says that I am trying to guilt trip her by pointing out that she has hurt me, and then doesnt understand why my dermatillomania (skin picking) is not getting better despite knowing that stress worsens it... I can't move out yet cause I have another year at university and then i have to find a job to afford to move out, but being here is absolute hell. My brother doesnt understand why I can't just ignore her - Am I just being oversensitive? I really don't know how to cope with this, I've wanted to move out since I was 16 (I'm now 22) but it has only been possible during university termtime so far

You aren't being oversensitive at all, in my opinion. It sounds like your mother is controlling and even being a bully at times. Can you stay busy with friends and out of the house activities to minimize contact while you are home for break?

Others may have more constructive advice. My mom was controlling, too. It was very hard for me to stand up to her. My brother was like yours and ignored her. I had trouble doing that. *hugs*

[KaylaLee]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

You aren't being oversensitive at all, in my opinion. It sounds like your mother is controlling and even being a bully at times. Can you stay busy with friends and out of the house activities to minimize contact while you are home for break?

Others may have more constructive advice. My mom was controlling, too. It was very hard for me to stand up to her. My brother was like yours and ignored her. I had trouble doing that. *hugs*

Sadly most of my friends are in their last year of uni or already working so harder to hang out with, and there's not a ton to do around here. Thinking of going on a mini vacation alone though just to get away...

[Bill3]

What is her relationship with your brother like?

[KaylaLee]

He's the youngest (currently 18) so gets away with everything. Like, if I swear (even mild barely swear words like "crap") I get yelled at but he gets away with constantly using far worse, he rarely has to do housework (even washing up) because "he's been at school/work all day" (note: I was never allowed that excuse) or "he has to revise" or "he only just finished his exams a week/2/3/4 weeks ago..."... he doesn't believe me when I tell him some of the things she says to me

I don't think you are being oversensitive. It sounds like your mom is controlling and has issues of her own. It can be hard to ignore the person who raised you and gave birth to you, especially if you might want to please them or keep the peace. I agree with RainyDay107, can you try to keep busy outside of the house?

[Bill3]

It sounds like he doesn't need to ignore her because she treats him differently from the way she treats you.

No wonder you resent how you are being treated.

Everytime I call her out on her guilt trips, shaming and negativity she acts hurt and says that I am trying to guilt trip her

When your brother speaks of ignoring her, I suppose he might mean not calling her out but instead just accepting that that is how she is. What would you think of doing something like that?

[KaylaLee]

No, he calls her out on guilt trips or just completely ignores until she gives up :/

[Bill3]

or just completely ignores until she gives up :/

What if you did this?

[KaylaLee]

I can't - she knows she'll get to me eventually and i feel like she's meaner to me - she goes full on guilt trip, it's like she's trying to see how much she can hurt me

[Bill3]

What if you ignore her as long as you can and then what if you leave when she goes on full guilt trip?

[KaylaLee]

she will follow me around to continue guilt tripping me

[Bill3]

It sounds like you feel helpless in the face of her behavior. You seem certain that she will resist being ignored or spoken to calmly and she will keep harassing you until you fight back. Have you any ideas as to what might be helpful to you?

[newday2020]

Get out of the house as much as you can. Find enjoyable places to go.
try not to take on the guilt cause you are doing this for your sanity.

[Yoda]

From what you post I don't think you are oversensitive. Your mom has some issues of some kind though.

I agree with susanemily, get out of the house if you can. Is there anywhere you would enjoy volunteering? An animal shelter, library or nursing home? Do you have any hobbies?

[KaylaLee]

I know she resists being ignored or spoken to calmly because I've tried both :/ the only time I've ever got through to her was when I managed to make her stop going on about my weight after one of my friends told me that when I mention that I feel fat/shouldn't eat so much or if I'm obviously dieting it makes them unhappy because all but one of them weigh more than me. When I told her that she was taken aback because she was convinced that I was above average weight until that point and she backed off. But everything else she's very persistant about; it's like it takes other people saying stuff for her to respond...
Next month I will have a job, and then I go back to university so that will help...

[Bill3]

It sounds like you are trying to change her behavior. This is practically impossible to do. We cannot make big changes in how other people act.

the only time I've ever got through to her

It sounds very tough, next to impossible, to get her to change her behavior

it's like it takes other people saying stuff for her to respond.

This makes me again think that ignoring her is worth considering--and leaving the room/the house if/when she continues with pursuing you.

I'm glad that you soon will have ways to be out of the house a lot again.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

She kinda sounds nacissistic, like mine. I don't think you're being oversensitive.