[bluecity043]

Hello!!

I've come on here because I need some advice or at least some suggestions on where I turn. Sorry this may become a little long winded but I really would appreciate some help with this.

Me and my girlfriend (lets call her Lilly) have been together for about 2 years now.

We get on amazing. She makes me laugh so hard sometimes and in almost every way we are on the same wavelength. I've never experienced this before with any person in my life. She's kind, caring, great with my family, the list goes on. These are the reasons that are keeping us together...for now.

Even very early on I started getting signs of her deep insecurities. First time was when I invited her to a meal with some of my friends. One of my female housemates was there and I was joking around with her a bit during the evening. As simple as spinning my housemate on a chair. I appreciated Lilly was new to everyone so made sure I kept much of my attention on her. Lilly at the end of the night told me she thought something was going on between myself and my housemate (really nothing was) and that maybe I should be with her (she them stormed off and went home). I've never been in a relationship before where I've experienced a jealousy streak like this, but we got through it hoping to move on.

It's gone to the point now that she's admitted to looking through my phone messages and photos, calling me if I've been to the gym longer than usual, making me feel bad seeing certain friends because she doesn't trust them, analysing me when I might be quieter on a certain day, constantly smothering me and telling me she loves me so much it hurts sometimes.

It all got too much yesterday when we were invited to my friends birthday meal. She got angry and brought me a side when she believed the girl sat next to me was outrageously flirting with me (the girl in question was in a relationship herself and showing me a present her other half had bought her the other day!).

Today I've told her she needs help and that she needs to take responsibility for her issues or I will leave her.

She's fully aware of her insecurities and wants to do something about it, but the more I look at her the more broken as a person she looks. Sometimes I feel it would be better for her to not have this drama and start again. She's talked before about therapy but this time I out and out said I want her to take that route. This relationship is worth saving but I'm not really sure this can be fixed. Has anyone here felt like Lilly and got through it? Are there any ways I can help her? As you can imagine this all stems from her previous relationships and although she says she trusts me, deep down I don't think she trusts anyone. Just want to do what I can to help.

Thanks for reading!

[Txcamd]

I too have been moving through these same troubling issues with my boyfriend of 3 years. It began in similar fashion. At first the insecurity began in a way that I was able to brush it off, as we had so much fun, laughter and common hobbies to share. It has sense that time grown very chaotic with his showing up at places such as my hair cut appointments to lash out because he's convinced I'm on my phone with some imagined person. He's shown up while I'm out of town on business because he's got this idea that I'm being unfaithful. This is categorically not the way I am. Once more, it was he who was found my my girlfriend to be on multiple dating websites, actively looking. I have quite simply grown very tired of the eggshell landscape that exists between he and I. I've tried to maintain boundaries in a kind manner in order to take a break from the chaos. He simply refuses to allow for a break up. So... In the end, I can completely relate to your situation. I wish you the best in finding the answers you need in order to either make a break, or move forward with your girlfriend.

[NewCommer]

Fisrt of all, welcom aborad buddy. In here you can find many people who can help you and places to share your situations and experiences that might help other people.

Well, i've never had a relationship, BUT... I can say you actually love Lilly and are trying to help her, and that's a good sign. Now, she already acknowledges her insecurities, so the best for both of you is encourage her to talk about them with smoeone who can help her (Therapist or something). As i understand, you don't actually give her any good reason to make her think you would cheat her.

Good luck and welcome!

[bluecity043]

Thank you!

I've made the suggestion that she may want to stay at her friends place for a couple of days to help her clear her head a bit, which I think she's going to do. I know sometimes its helpful to step out of a situation for a bit to get your head in the right place. She's suggested therapy before but never done anything about it so I thought I'd bring it up. Just want to do what I can to help as well on the sidelines.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bluecity043: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm afraid I don't have any great suggestions for you here. From what you wrote, I don't get the impression this girl is the "love of your life". It sounds like you'd like to keep the relationship going if possible. But, if not, you wouldn't be devastated either. Certainly, with therapy, Lily can work through her issues. But whether or not she has the desire to do so is another question. Time will tell...

The other thing you may want to consider though is, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Perhaps, without even without realizing it, you are also doing some things that are triggering Lily's insecurities. If the two of you were in a more long-term relationship, some couples counseling might be worth considering. However it doesn't sound like what the two of you have is that kind of relationship... at least not yet. In the meantime, from my perspective, what is important here is for the two of you to keep talking. Open communication is critical in maintaining a romantic relationship.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Bill3]

What was her reaction to your insistence that she get help?

As you can imagine this all stems from her previous relationships and although she says she trusts me, deep down I don't think she trusts anyone.

A competent therapist will help her come to understand why she feels and acts as she does, and help her make changes.

Are there any ways I can help her?

Supporting her getting to and staying in therapy would be huge. Also, remember that you cannot be both her lover and her therapist.

[bluecity043]

I've gotta say, thank you for all your help. Been some amazing support on here and really glad I found this forum.

It's a good point on whether I'm not helping the situation. I'm sometimes too laid back and know that sometimes I reel away when something makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when things get intense. I made that mistake in my last relationship and have consciously made an effort to show support and affection when I feel its most needed.

She's said the right thing and desperately wants this to work so can only hope she goes for it. 95% of the time she's herself, funny, caring, kind and relaxed. When its good its fantastic. Just when its bad it can almost be unbearable.

Txcamd - I was also told once that the people who get overly jealous and controlling, are sometimes reflecting their own lack of self control when trying to be faithful. Does concern me slightly, although I know it can also come from previous relationship trauma. Hope you sort your situation out and find the right solution to it Someone I know seemed to have a very similar situation to yourself. It got to the point where she decided to take away any affection to him and waited until he cheated on him (he did) so she had an excuse to break it up. Don't take that as a suggestion at all! Just thought I'd share it.

[Bill3]

If she wants it to work, the most important thing she can do imho is to start seeing a therapist.