How do I break away from abusive ex?

Hi Bill sorry taken so long to respond.

Surprise surprise I'm not doing well at all.

Everything has totally crashed and yes I'll bore you with be details.

We argued over Pokemon. You read that correctly. He got mad I was in a different team (hes 34) called me selfish and accused me of only choosing that team because all my work mates are on it. I chose it as is my favourite colour.

I asked him to come over. My daughter was fighting bedtime so I asked if he could wait. He refused to 'wait for an unspecified amount of time' so he just left and went home. The reality was he only needed to wait about 10 mins

Then when I called he was shouting and swearing at me saying I was guilt tripping him for his decision to leave. All is said was I would have waited as long as needed because I would and have done that for him.

Apparently I'm manipulative

I'm rolling my eyes typing this. It's like I'm 16 again

Thanks for the update Hedgeleaf!

What do you like about him?

Honestly now after the past week I just don't know. What I used to like is now less than what I don't like.

He told me he hates me.

My opinion is that hate is a very strong word and very hurtful so say to someone. Sure I 'hate' spiders. But to hate another person isn't nice.

I'm finding it so very hard to break away but this time it seems easier but it's still hard

I feel like I'm the crazy one

What makes it so hard to break away?

(((((Hedgeleaf)))))

Dear Hedgeleaf,

I wish I saw this topic earlier then today. How to get detached from an abusive ex? I post now that all you have to do is to wait 5 min for me to type my story. I will edit this post ( I see you are online and struggling right now )

How to detach from an abusive ex? Welcome to my world. I've been trying since half May and it gets difficult everytime. In the night I log onto websites to see guides about a narcistic abusive ex and it gives me HOPE that she will break up with her boyfriend. Yes, I am a man, that got abused by a narcistic woman for over 2 years... and I want her back. Why do I want her back? Because I see the memories we had together. The first year with her was amazing... after that everything went downhill.

I won't bore you with psychological stories and the way narcistic people try to get you in their life. You are clinging onto the fine memories that you have with your boyfriend. I will sketch you my 2 years with my ex:

First 10 months was amazing. She was lovely and was exactly the girl I wanted in life. This behavior is called "copying" and trying to get with the person they want to be by acting exactly as they expect he wants her to act. I was crazy, so she thought I would like a crazy girl, and she became crazy. Narcistic people, specially woman, know the way to get a man attached to them. One week after we got together we already had sex 4-5 times a night and a couple more during the day. We couldn't stop making love. During the first 10 months she broke up with me 3 times and I begged her to come back. She did this because she wanted to see how far I would go for her love and how far she could bend me.

After the 10 months everything went downhill. She knew she got my heart and she decided to take everything away from me and suck my energy out while trying to find a new victim. When I tried to break up, she begged me not to do this. She cried tears when we broke up and I wanted her back, but I told her to visit a psychiatric person before I would even try.

The reason why you want to go back, is because of the way you have been treated nicely. When you have a bad day, you always think about the BAD things in your day. When we end a relationship, you focus on the GOOD things instead of the bad things. You need to focus on WHY you left him and WHAT he did to you. I am trying to hate my ex, but with a narcistic person HATE is equal to LOVE. Hate = Love, doesn't matter which word you say. Someone who hates you, still loves you or cares about you. A person you don't care about you won't develop feelings for.

Write down pro's and con's, focus on what he did wrong to you and talk with other people about what a normal relationship is. Someone who loves you would NEVER hurt you on purpous wether it's mentally of psychically. I never hit my ex-girlfriend while she would slap me silly over something as stupid as MAKING HER NOODLES WRONG

I'm not sure. I think it's missing the good side of him when things aren't falling apart. We are just not compatible. We seem to have different views on life. He's very frivolous with his money and impulsive. I'm totally opposite as I have a mortgage to pay and a child to care for and support. We just don't match emotionally and think totally differently like my previous post I would have waited as long as needed for him, he couldn't wait for 15 mins.

We don't get eachother, or more like he doesn't get me

Thank you for your reply.

It makes me feel sad that you went through that and have felt what I've felt. It's awful

I can totally relate to everything you've written

Sorry should have added this In way back....

The sex is amazing. We are very very sexually compatible and that is a reason I keep going back but I've never told him

I added some more. The sex is indeed amazing, it was amazing for me aswell, but it's a weapon to keep someone clinging onto you. If you can relate to me, don't make the mistakes I did! You have a daughter who you need to give the good example. If you stay with him, your daughter might become just like you are now. Don't let your daughter see an abusive relationship. I embraced everything my ex was. I embraced the jealousy, the constant accusing, the abuse and her childish behavior because I loved her. But the love wasn't mutual. Narcistic people will always LOOK around for other people who can boost their EGO. It doesn't matter for them who you are, they simply USE you.

I know it's very difficult to hear this since 2 months ago, when I came here, I was in the same position. If you need help or you struggle with letting him go, contact me through PM. I will make some time to answer questions for you or to answer a PM. We both live in Europe, so you can expect me online around 23.00 - 0.00 London time

It's in your best interests to let him go. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an abusive partner specially when he is narcistic. ( I wish I could type this in font 400 to make it very clear )

Thank you!

My daughter is not and hasn't been involved with him. He my 'friend' as we've seen each other in town never anything pre planned.

It will take a very special person in my life to even be considered part of my daughters and that's one thing I'm so sure of

He says he hates you? Did I read it right????

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Yep. No typos there!

He said he hates me. And the breath before he told me he loved me

Like I said before, love and hate is related to eachother. He still cares about you, but only for his own reasons ( going to bed send me a PM whenever you want )

I'm glad to hear you didnt involve him into your daughters life, but children can notice when mommy is upset.

You can find other men to have good sex with.

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Love and hate definitely are not the same thing.When a narcissist says I love you it means you have what i want for now but I reserve the right to dump you whenever you fail to meet my needs for supply and control.When a narcissist says I hate you he means it and he hates that you are a person who puts up with abuse and still wants him/her to stick around.They have contempt for you but will still take everything you can give.Narcissists won't be dumped they have to dump you preferably when you are at death's door and begging them to stay.When they say they hate you they mean it 100%,they do NOT feel love for you or anyone else,they do not have empathy ,they have feelings of envy,contempt and boredom and an egotistical form of love for themselves no one else!
I don't know if your partner is a narcissist but it sounds like you are well aware you are not compatible outside the bedroom.Also it sounds me to me you are feeling that you wouldn't want to bring this man into your daughter's life too. Doesn't that say it all really?

So sorry, I know how rough this is. It's so frustrating how we often describe various toxic relationships and continue to stay hoping things will change. The answers are inside you. It's not easy but all you have to do is look inside.

A book that really helped me is called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott. She also has a very helpful Youtube channel. Browse through it and know some of this stuff will speak directly to what you're going through.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwj...e0OPdw__-hDe0g

Love and hate is the same thing. We can debate for hours, but whenever you love or hate someone you have some sort of feelings for this person. You're unable to love or hate someone if you don't care about that person.

Nonetheless, not all narcistic people are the same. The beginning of a relationship is probably the closest they can get to love. It declines when they show their true behavior and that will mostly make the affection they get from you to decline aswell. In the end, it has been love from one side and one side only, and to make a relationship work you need to have love from both sides.

Like I said before, the sex is mostly a weapon to keep someone occupied to you. But that is mostly because, atleast for me, the sex after an argue or a fight is the best sex. And since I argue all the time with my ex, that kind of sex was always there. You will find better sex when someone loves you as much as you love him.

I do disagree about love and hate being the same thing,they are very different, you do not hurt someone you love whereas you do not care about someone you hate.Whether they both involve having had feelings for someone doesnt make them the same things,you are wrong and there is no need to debate for hours,you are not correct.
I agree narcissists can and do use sex as a weapon.All narcissist people are the same,they don't care about you or have feelings.

I absolutely disagree that love and hate is same thing. I love my husband my daughter my mother etc I have no hate for them. It's ridiculous to say it's the same thing.

Perhaps a person who is/was on abusive relationship, might think love and hate is the same thing because they don't know how healthy love feels like. Loving and hating isn't the same thing unless one is involved in unhealthy drama

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Yes I agree to think love and hate is the same thing is to be confused because someone YOU love is showing you both love and hate so you think they are coming from the same thing,but they are entirely different.Someone who loved you would not hate you at the same time, they would not abuse you nor would they behave badly towards you.Someone who has healthy love experience would never say that love and hate are the same thing,it is ridiculous thing to say and you would only think it if you were shown fake love and also hate from the same person.That is the typical experience of someone involved with a narcissist!

Hedgeleaf, when you were a child were there people close to you who were narcissists?

The opposite of love is not hate.


It's indifference.

(((Hedgeleaf)))

Get super clear about what a successful loving relationship is first. This is your beacon. Then get really clear how you want to be treated. Write that down.

The challenge is to be really honest with yourself when your ideal outcomes are not happening. Decide what are "show stoppers" and make them non-negotiable. When you are clear about these things and truly follow through, you will love yourself more and attract someone who matches what you take a stand for.

Our unconscious mind is very powerful...especially with incomplete memories related to bonding, attachment, and communication styles. Without the other person aligning with your vision and willing to do the work on themselves you will always be revisiting your own trauma related to these things.

The brain does not like to change - even when it's a good thing. So we all need to educate ourselves and watch and "own" our own behaviors that are not in alignment with our ideal outcome we strive for. That includes giving a partner all the chance in the world to get into alignment. When you realize they are either committed or not you can move on or stay.

Here are some key questions to ask yourself:
Are you crystal clear about what a successful relationship looks like?
Are you will to do whatever it takes to find the partner who can meet you there?
Have you communicated your needs effectively to him?
Has he given you indications that a healthy relationship is a priority?
Does he show with his actions he means well and tries to improve communication or whatever?
Are you basing your decisions to keep returning on "hope" or reality? (hint: be really honest here)

Hope this helps you out...hugs

You CAN have this and you deserve it. But your ex is not the one, as you know.
Opportunities will open up when you sever your ties with the ex. I know it's hard but it can be done. It's like ripping off a bandage fast ... it hurts but it's gone!

I hope things work out for you in the best way possible. I left a 16 year emotionally abusive marriage. I was terrified of taking the step. I thought hard. I packed a bag. Told him it was over and I walked out the door. Granted, we were in divorce court after that but it was done...the relationship.

Sometimes there is no easy way. It's hard but just commit to yourself and do not waver. You aren't married and he's not the father of your daughter. This can be a clean break