[MickeyCheeky]

I find it so hard to make friends, talk to girls ans socialize in general... I always try to be nice, to talk and have a conversation, mostly with my classmates, but most of the time I just get ignored, or they reply just to be nice and then turn away. I don't feel like they're really interested on what I'm saying Often, I also don't know how to join the conversation, and I find really difficult to even say anything. I also find it difficult to make friends on this very forum

I don't know what to do... I'm 18 years old and only had one true friend in my entire life, never had a girlfriend and never even kissed a girl. I just can't understand what the problem is. Is it because I don't have any talent/hobby? Am I boring? Stupid? Ugly? Or what? I just can't understand... I really want to socialize with people, but I just don't know how... I don't even know where to start looking

[MickeyCheeky]

Anyone?

[CobolCapsule]

Join some clubs or organizations. Thats a good way to meet people.

[Trippin2.0]

Awww Mickey, so sorry to hear you're not making friends


Are there any clubs or groups you can join at school where you can meet people with common interests??

[Talthybius]

Maybe the answer is as simple as to "Join a club."

Maybe thre is a special reason why things go wrong for you.

I think that in general some things can be striped off.

Being ugly. I see many not so good looking people that have strong friendships, sometimes with average looking people, often even with very good looking people. Certainly, people don't match their platonic friendships based on their similar looks.

Stupidity. Ignoring being 'too stupid to make friends', isn't it the intelligent people who have difficulties? Take people with very low iq/mental retardation. Sure, what amounts to friendship for them is not the same as what amounts to friendship for us, but surely they have no problems making friends.
Same is true for people below average but not retarded, and there's a lot of them. Like almost half of everyone you ever meet.

Will you be likely to develop an equal friendship with someone that differs from you 30 iq points? Yes, that is unlikely.

Are you boring?
This is a very good candidate. But maybe more importantly. You appear boring. People go by appearances. People are very shallow regarding strangers. People judge you in a fraction of a second. There's research out on this.
If you 'appear boring to them' or generate 'boring social interactions', they likely won't come back for the same.

When you don't do anything, you won't have anything to talk about. I have often been asked by people trying to strike up conversation "How was your weekend." and I did literally nothing noteworthy for the last 10 weekends. So I started to do some stuff. And I started to lie. As a kid I hated lying. I still hate it. But when I had an eventful weekend, and no one asks and then next week someone does ask, but I had a weekend where nothing happened, I switch them around. And I make a mental note. I can't mess it up. I have to keep track of these lies. If you get sniffed out once, you are done. At least in my mind.

I am 33 now and all my youth I always had that when I was going to say something, people would talk over me. It once got so bad, that I would start over until they stopped to listen. Of course that didn't work, but I was 14 back then. It also always seems to happen to me. Maybe it is my timing.

It still happens today. People always say that when you rarely say something and people respect you, they will listen when you start talking. This is generally not true. But a few times the most social person in the group will notice, take charge, and give you the word. This is amazing to me. I had teenagers do this to me when I see myself as this impressive intense person. I am supposed to have so much life experience, have true physical presense as a tall athletic male. But once in a while, people stasrt talking after you start, I stop out of politeness, and the conversation goes on without me. Until this social person notices. Just one thing I only started noticing age 30.

I used to force myself to social events. Then, when strangers would try to talk with me, I would answer. Then, after the conversation had ended, I realized I had ended it with my answers. Too late.I don't like talking with strangers. I never will. And I show it. They take notice. They interpret: "He doesn't want to talk with me for who I am."

I have and had the same problems. In my mind, I mind-block myself and at crucial points, I take the wrong road or self-sabotage. Then, you start to push people away. In the end, it is a numbers game. So if normal people needs 100 attempts for 1 success and does those in a month, and it takes me 10 years to get to 5 attempts, it fails.

No one can speak for your life. You have to write down stuff in a lot of detail. But then people won't read your posts. And then they can still only guess and interpret their interpretation of your version of the truth.

[Nimportequoi]

Hey Mickey
I can totally relate to all you wrote... I'm 18 too and I think I probably had four true friends in my whole life... and only one at the moment.
People like the good looking, complacent, who talk a lot and never question themselves. The sensitive, deeper thinking individuals aren't recognised or appreciated. That might be just a tendency, but it surely is a problem for a lot of rather introverted or shy people.

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you all for your replies I'm not really sure what do you guys mean by "club" (I live in Italy, so here it may be different), but my school doesn't really organizes any activities, if that's what you mean... only sports, but I'm no good at them

Even then, though, I'm not really sure if it's only a matter of meeting new people... I'd probably still have a lot of difficulties to talk to them, especially because I have few to zero interests, and I think that's a big problem... but I don't know what to do to solve it

I'm terrified of the idea of being alone and not loved for the rest of my life

[Talthybius]

People don't do sports because they are good at them.

People mean sports clubs, I think. Mostly. But you can have all kinds of clubs. Depends on where you live, of course. It's better in areas with more people your age/more schools/universities, of course.

Of course, shared interests are important. People don't like to talk with people they aren't interested in, about things they aren't interested in.
Being able to talk about many topics is helpful.

Do you have difficulties talking? Are you too stubborn to small talk first?

When I was 18, I saw others were terrified about being alone. I was unphased. Only later, I became terrified I wasn't terrified about being alone. At least when you are terrified, you get some motivation, right? Maybe not the best one. But if you need to go out of your comfort zone, in whatever way, you better have a motivation. In the end, that's mostly what life seems about. Saying or not staying in your comfort zone. You go out of it enough so you are comfortable where you are when you really need comfort. If you stay in the middle of your comfort zone, always, it will be a prison and the walls will start to close on you eventually; it will not be comfortable.

I try to talk to people, randomly. I still fail. This girl behind the cashier in the supermarket was wearing a patch on her neck. After she wishes me a good day, I say: "Good health with your neck." And she tells me it's just a burn wound. I was wondering if it might have been a serious operation of like a thyroid or something. Can't be. Would be much more packed. So she says, "I burned my skin using the curling iron." So I say: "But it is sitting fine right now." And she reaches for her patch. I was commenting on her hair. She was worried her patch was mispositioned and I could see the burned skin she intended to hide.

Ah, fail. My mind too slow to be quick.

I never used to do this when I was younger. My father does it, always. I wouldn't do it if he had not.

Best one is when a new cashier is beign worked in, given instructions by the person behind her. When they ask if you want a reseat, scoring card, stamps for discounts, you say: "Haven't you forgotten something?" Then both are confusedly going through their mind thinking about what they forgot. Then you can practice timing when to go from dead serious to a smile.

@The O.P. A lot of young people tend to be really judgemental and close minded. They are often selfish and most of them would rather be around a loud, fun, and outgoing person who can make them laugh.

I can relate to what you wrote. I also had a hard time making friends most of my life. Even now in my 40's, it's still a bit of a struggle for me to fit in and find friends who'll stick around until they find a guy or someone more "fun" or outgoing to talk to, ugh!

From what you wrote, you sound very unsure of yourself. Maybe if you're to quiet and you keep to yourself to much, people might assume that you don't want to talk to them? Idk. Try talking to other people first and ask them questions about themselves. Try to find some common ground such as talking about classes. Give people genuine compliments. If someone's outfit or hair looks nice, or you like their earrings, then tell them that. Listen more than you talk, and never ever interrupt people. Also, act interested in what they have to say and don't do stuff like check your phone when talking to people as that's rude.

Try to smile more and not use guarded body language such as looking away or crossing your arms. Read stuff online about how to make friends. If there is a meetup.com in your area, join a few. I've made a few friends that way. Also, maybe it's better to talk to people one on one instead of in groups as it'll be way less intimidating that way. Try to talk to another person who is also quiet who appears to be lonely too.

I know that it's hard to make friends when you're unsure of being liked or not. Not everyone will like you. If they don't respond back to you, then don't take things personally. Some people might not think that you have much in common with them even though they think that you seem nice to them. Or maybe they're not really looking to make new friends, who knows?

Maybe you'll become more confident as you get older. Try talking to store clerks more when they talk to you like I did. You need to gain confidence. Try to talk about stuff that interests them. If someone tries to talk to me about something I don't care about, I won't really want to talk to them much anymore. So focus on common ground like I said.

If you have any bad habits such as asking to many questions and not being able to tell when people don't want to answer something, or end a conversation, then pay more attention to social cues and body language. Also, if you tend to talk to much about yourself, or your problems, or you offer tmi, that tends to put a lot of people off too. Don't be negative to often. ESPECIALLY with NEW people! That is crucial! Keep things light hearted until you've gotten to know them for a few months at least! I've been known to be a Debbie Downer for a long time, and I didn't even realize it until a few years ago!

Try to act more confident as most people tend to be put off by people who lack confidence. It sucks, but that's the way that most people are. You don't need to be outgoing, but don't act like you need their approval to much or you'll repel people. It took me years to realize that. Not sure why that is, that's just how most people are. Good luck with everything!

[MickeyCheeky]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

. Try talking to other people first and ask them questions about themselves. Try to find some common ground such as talking about classes. Give people genuine compliments. If someone's outfit or hair looks nice, or you like their earrings, then tell them that. Listen more than you talk, and never ever interrupt people. Also, act interested in what they have to say and don't do stuff like check your phone when talking to people as that's rude.

I already do all of this stuff (mostly to my classmates), but it doesn't work... no one seems to care about me
I could work on my body language, but I don't think it will make that much of a difference...

Thaltybius may be right about my lack of interests... but even with this knowledge, what do I do? I already tried a few new hobbies, like playing a guitar and such. But I don't like them and I usually get bored of them after a while... (even though this could be the subject for another thread)

Thank you for the answers, BTW

[Talthybius]

What are your goals and passions in life?

My psychologist told me to ask other people how they feel about me, how I come across. And to tell them the reason I think they may falsely believe I don't like them.

Can't say I tried that. But when I asked her about this, that's what she said. Her theory was that showing your insecurities to others make you more likable to them.

[MickeyCheeky]

Her theory was that showing your insecurities to others make you more likable to them.

I guess it's true, but from what I see is more of a form of "pity", they don't genuinely like you. And I don't want people to be my friends because of this.. I want them to be my friends because they like me, as a human being..

I don't have specific goals in my life... at the moment I just want a job and a good social life. But I don't even knwo what kind of job I want to do in the future, I seem to suck at everything... so it's difficult

[Talthybius]

Well, you say you are 18, so in a sense you are supposed to be at an age where you slowly figure that out.

It's not about guilting people into being nice to you. Pity love is poison anyway, though some people don't know.

All people act out of self-interest. There's people out there that feel good about giving pity love. That's why they do it, even when they ought to know it's not healthy.

Maybe her advice is quite specific to me. I admit, I want to radiate outward that I am a superhuman, extremely tough, skilled in everything, knows everything, has no difficulties, feels nothing, is always happy. That's the person I want to be, but not who I am. I may benefit from showing that I am not what I may subconsciously project.

It's more about showing stuff other people can relate with. Say, being unsure about your future. If you tell someone that you are, they won't feel buried by your problems, and they might feel similar themselves.

Ignoring that this may be a phase for you, and your age, if you truly are a person that permanently has no passions and no goals, no hobbies, and believes has no skills, that willl not be very attractive. Why invest time in such a person? How does such a person enrich someone else's life?

In the end, we are all given this strange experience called 'being alive', and we all struggle to figure out what to do with it. My view is that you want to live as intensely as possible with as little regrets as possible. That's probably the opposite of what I practice, but that's my philosophical view.

It seems you aren't considering further education. Maybe try a job you fear you might be employed at for the rest of your career. If you don't love it, then you know for sure you need an education. Sometimes, you need both the stick and the carrot to get motivation.

Let's face it. We live in a very hard competitive society, we in the west. We have these things called 'freedoms', but we also have to compete very very hard, all against each other. There are winners and losers. No one tells a child that. Now, you want to try to be both a winner the career sphere, the social sphere and the romantic sphere.

For a long time I thought I could just ignore all this, be all Buddhist about it. If you don't want something, it doesn't hurt not having it. Right? Well, in the end you do want it. That's my experience. And I gave it a true shot; to have all desires fulfilled just by not having any desires.

When I was 18, my friends from school just drifted away from me. We used to hang out at school, but also meet as friends. But when we went to different schools, I saw them again once or twice, and then never. It didn't bother me at all. But it stuch out to me that they also made zero effort to maintain some type of relationship. And I knew they were keeping in touch with others.
I don't know what to say about that.

Observe.
- listen to what other are talking about; could there be a common interest of yours? Can you find out more about these subjects? Pay attention to tone of voice and vocal mannersisms
- watch how they communicate with body language and mannersims

Learn.
- read up on or learn about the topics and interests your peers are talking about

Experience.
- try to immerse yourself in those things the people you are interested in find important or of value

DON'T change yourself. You are still you and your own interests are important; but, were you to find something in common it will be easier to start from there.

I like what Taith said! Well said Taith! So, you tried to reach out to your classmates, and still they are just polite to you at best? Weird! You sound like you are trying. But do you think that you might be trying to hard to get them to like you? If so, then back off and play it cool. A former friend told me to do that once and people will be more likely to gravitate to you when you don't appear to need them as much.

Not saying that you are acting needy, only you can answer that. Again, the more we tend to seek approval from others, the less likely we are to get it for some reason. That's been MY experience anyways.

Most young people are unsure about their futures, so you're not alone about not knowing what you want to do yet. You still have a lot of time to figure that out, and you can always change your mind about things if something doesn't work out of course! You always can at any point in life!

Whatever you do, don't make the mistakes that I made which is going on and on about the same problems to often or you'll push people away. Most people really don't want to hear about other people's problems to much. Especially when they tend to be younger and more self absorbed and not sure of themselves yet as well.

Being that age sucks in a lot of ways, so I feel for you. Try inviting a few people out for coffee or something? Sometimes you need to make the first move. I have more than a few times and I'm glad that I did as most of the time my risks have paid off in rewarding friendships. Some lasted and some didn't, but they were great most of the time when it did.

A lot of young people around your age will be constantly changing friends and some will drift away from their friends as they make new ones in college, move, get married, get boy friends, girlfriends, whatever.

Just try to focus on yourself for now and don't worry to much about making friends. It's better to be alone to to be with people who make you feel alone. I used to have crappy friends that made me feel that way often. Idk what else to tell you other than keep on being nice, but every now and then back off and see what happens. Play it cool and don't care to much about what other people think for awhile, and then maybe then you might have better luck making friends.

I've been called needy in the past, and that puts people off. Again, not saying you are that way as I don't know you. When you get older and go to college, I'm sure that making friends might be easier for you then as most people won't know each other and may be open to making new friends.

For now think about applying to college and focus on a major later. What are you good at? What do you like? There must be something that you're good at. Take a few classes that sound interesting to you. Perhaps a class in communication will help you out a little with your issues? I strongly suggest that.

It took me YEARS to gain more confidence, but you know what, I'm still not the most confident person there is. But chance are that you will become more confident and wiser as you get older and gain more experience in life. I'm so much better than I used to be. In the past I used to cry all the time about how no one seems to like or care about me when I was alone. I had a few friends at school, but I was never that close to them.

Fast forward to now, I don't care as much about being liked or about how many friends I have or don't have. Quality matters more than quantity to me. I've had good friends and bad friends over the years. I've made many mistakes, but I've learned from them. You will too. Remember, people in your life will come and go. Most people who can remain friends with someone for life is extremely rare.

Focus on making yourself happy and never rely to much on others to make you happy as many people will disappoint you along the way. Read books on how to make friends and look up stuff on here as well. Just google how to make friends at school. That should help.

Find a part time job and try to make friends that way if making friends at school isn't working out for you. Since you'll be meeting the same people all the time, friendships will probably form. If not, then at least you'll be able to sharpen your social skills and be around other people. Again, good luck with everything!

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you all, guys so you're basically saying that I should focus more on myself first and then concentrate on the others? Maybe you're right... but I still have a lot of difficulties on doing so, I don't know how to find hobbies and besides, I've been feeling lonely for such a long time... Even on this forum I'm mostly lonely

@The O.P, yes, that's exactly what we're all saying! Also, like I said in my last post, it seems like you need social interaction to not feel so lonely and rejected. So I think it might help you to get a job in retail or waitressing. You don't seem shy, so maybe those jobs will be good for you. You'll meet all kinds of people.

Also, maybe your peers are cliquey and stuck up and it's not you that's the problem? A lot of younger people tend to be that way. Even older people can be that way. Just get a job and get out there and maybe you'll make some nice friends at work. And if you don't, at least you'll be getting the chance to socialize with customers and you'll be making money which is always good!

[MickeyCheeky]

I am shy, but mostly to people I don't know. after a while I tend to warm up, and can become pretty chatty. This is why I'm not shy with my classmates: I've been with them for 4 years.
Also, I don't think they are the problem: they seem pretty nice and all, but they still won't talk to me