[ComfortablyNumb5]

My grandma and grandpa had three daughters. One being my mom who passed away in 1996 suddenly. My brother and I rebelled and became the black sheep. All my aunts kids were superior and good. My brother and I were broken, drunk, bipolar, lost. My grandmother never was a kind woman. She was harsh and screeched a lot. She was honest to a fault. As my cousins got older and had families of their own, my brother and I remained on the loose. Wild. Resentful and mean towards our father. And never settled down.

Tonight I checked my mailbox and found my brothers bday card from my grandma (she's always mailed things to my house. She loves cards and snail mail and still believes in writing checks). The writing on the envelope was alarming. My brothers own name, along with city address was crossed out and re-written. Signs of confusion and forgetfulness. And now I'm worried. I spent my life afraid of this woman and now I'm worried. Sad thing is? She lives ten min down the road. I feel guilt. I should be helping her and forgetting all the bad. She is my late mothers mom. I should care. Right?

I will try and get my car going again. I will go see her as a adult me. I will patch up bad spots and get to know her and forget the past. What if I'm too late? What if she is sick yet still sees me for what I am? A bipolar, black sheep, angry little girl.

This was a rant. Guilt tripped vent. I will stick to my word though. I'm an adult now. She's not keeping chocolates from me. She has always intimidated me. But I have to get over my selfish **** and make things right. For my mom at least.

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[Chyialee]

RxQ, are you quite sure that you & I didn't have the same grandmother? lol Although mine has passed on now; she was much as you described yours, for all of my childhood she was a real little "banty-hen". No filter between brain & mouth, either!

Understand the looking-over-the-shoulder regretfulness. But here's the deal (in my limited experience): We love our family members, even the skrewed up ones that we really would rather not be around every day -- simply because they are indeed a part of our own particular life story. Our histories and memories reside there. That's enough to get me (as an adult) into the presence of just about any of my seldom-seen cantankerous rellies every once in awhile. I want to see them, enjoy them, make sure they have what they need insofar as I'm able. If I can only hold it together for 10 mins, & then need to gtfo,that's OK! lol

Am I good at it, or even consistent? Nope. I'm fairly easily overwhelmed, and I have to tailor such visits to what both I and the other family member can handle.

Give yourself permission to do what your best self would feel happy about -- tempered with what you know you can handle atm. She'd probably love to get a card from you -- which might be a way of doing the "Thinking of you" thing, and not a bad opening imo. Just a thought!

Good luck with whatever you decide -- and remember, it's not irrevocable; one is allowed to change one's mind!

hugz to you

Chyia, granddaughter of a small squawking woman lol