[fosterthehuman]

so today my bf and i were supposed to go to the beach and he was like "we can play pokemon go when were there" so as he's driving there, i'm clearing our old emails and photos from my phone and he's like "you're always on your phone" and i was like "i'm almost done" and then i put my phone away but he wasn't talking to me and he had the radio all the way up. and i know there were times he tried talking to me, and i listened to him. once we got to the beach, i was already on the pokemon go app and i was walking and i stopped cause i found one. and then he seemed upset so i wad like "are you upset cause i'm on my phone?" and he was like "you just never get off of it" so i put my phone away again. and i was like "you said you were gonna play on it with me" i was just kind of confused at first. and sometimes he does stuff when he's mad like he'll ignore my questions and it'll just make me even more upset. so i started getting irritated (ik this doesn't justify my behavior) and so i kept saying "could you give me some more room" to him cause we were walking in a crowded area and i kept getting bumped, ik you can't ignore it, i was just being super crabby. and then when he took out his phone to take a picture i was like "can i take out my phone?" and he was like "of course" and i was saying stuff to him in an attitude like "i look so ugly today, people are looking at me." and i told him that i feel like if i take out my phone that he's gonna be upset at me again. he said he wouldn't cause i'm just taking a snapchat but i was like "nvm i don't wanna take a snapchat. and then i asked if we could sit down. i apologized and said that i was just upset cause he was upset and that i didn't mean to be mean to him and that i should have payed more attention to him instead of being on my phone. and then i told him that i'd like to leave soon cause i didn't expect the beach to be so crowded (i have social anxiety). he said okay, so we left, he was walking faster than me than he just started walking to the car by himself. i feel horrible. i'm thinking that my behavior isn't fair to him and i should just work on my mental health for right now. what should i do?

can you leave your phone at home for a while? The phone is definitely a problem.If I am with someone and they pull out their phone I walk away.I should be the priority.

[Bill3]

i'm thinking that my behavior isn't fair to him and i should just work on my mental health for right now.

Well if he thinks that you are not fair to him he can say something or he can break up with you.

If you just decide for yourself that you are not fair to him and you break up with him because you are not fair to him then you are making a decision for him that is really his to make.

[gentlegianted]

I'd encourage you both to sit down and decide what a great relationship looks like first, so you are on the same page. Especially around healthy communication.

Then make a list of the things that bother you (each of you).

Then go down each one and really listen why that bothers either of you without getting defensive. Instead of getting upset say "So what Im hearing is..." "and I think this means..."

Then both of you agree to take responsibility for communicating in a healthy way what you are wanting versus blaming the other person.

Practice that. Literally take some events from the past and practice a new way of communicating that reflects a healthy way...in the very least you will get a good laugh but more importantly you'll be learning a skill that is priceless.

Also, sounds like both of you need to learn how to bond. You do this by looking in each others eyes a lot and listening really well and not interrupting...but rather seek to understand each others perspectives - whether you agree or not.

Learn to notice when you need to be attentive to someone versus being on the phone. Don't allow your phone to dictate your happiness. Your social anxiety will go away when you learn to look at people and just be present with them, listen generously, and be curious about their experience. Life is a lot more fun as well.

Hope it helps, Ed Ferrigan