Don't know what else to do

Hello,

I have been with my husband for the past 22 years (married for 16). We have been through a lot together (illnesses, surgeries, miscarriage, and the death of my mother and his father), but we have grown apart for the last 10 years or so.

I try to do everything in my power to make his (and our children's) life better, but when it comes to my needs, the effort is rarely there. He rarely does anything more than a card for my birthday, anniversaries, or Christmas, even though I always make his special days a priority. Of course, he will say that those days don't matter to him, but he knows they are important to me.

We are both completing advance degrees and I always support him and his program, but I will bet that he doesn't even though what course I am in right now.

Lately I have told him that I think it would be a good idea if we separate (something I have said several times over the years), but he does just enough to make me stay for a while longer. We are more friends than husband & wife. We have slept in separate rooms for the past 5+ years, and we have not been intimate with each other for almost 2 years.

I am 47 years old, and I just don't think it is ever going to get better and stay better (it always gets better for a while). I really love him, he is the father to our children (youngest is 16) and we have been through so much together, but I don't feel he will ever love me the way I feel I deserve to be loved.

I would give anything to have him tell me he loves me (very rarely, if ever, does), give me a hug or a kiss or show any affection towards me (which I have told him I needed many times), or even tell me that I am beautiful (the only time he has ever said that was on our wedding day).

I deserve to be loved and have my needs met. I have done everything I can, for many years, to meet his needs so why is it so hard for him?

Sorry so long, but I really could use some advice.
Thanks

I recommend professional counseling. Before you say you can't afford it, look around your university to see if they offer students low-cost or free counseling.
The reality is that part of the reason why your husband does no more than he does for holidays and for your emotional needs--is because you put up with it. You've said he puts forth a greater effort when you threaten separation. So he does know what it is you want.

However, it might not be in his nature to be naturally warm, giving and loving so that he will never be what you want on a daily on-going basis.

Or it could be that both of you are locked in patterns of resentment and passive aggressive 'solutions' to problems in your marriage.

Before you rush to the divorce lawyer, consider how your life would be without him. You might sit down and put the pros and cons on a sheet of paper.

My observation is that most of the good men are already partnered--the widowers who enjoyed being married often get re-married quickly. If you think you are lonely now, imagine sitting by yourself with the kids off to dad's for the holidays.

If you have any feeling for your husband and your marriage, please try to work on it. And this may not apply to you, but I will put it out there for anyone: please don't expect one other person to supply all of your entertainment, good feedback, ego-boosting, etc. I believe we are meant to have friends as well as a partner.

You say your husband doesn't care about holidays, etc. Did he ever? If not, ask yourself why you married him anyway. If you stay married and he really doesn't care about those things, then you will know and can start making some personally pleasing traditions that don't rely solely on him: some of the people I know have Christmas luncheons; girls' day out birthday celebrations; etc. among friends without spouses present. Good feelings around those events can help soften the blow of being partnered with someone who is emotionally withdrawn. I wish you the best.

So too, before making a decision, do I reccomend sitting down with a professional party (check your university, they may offer such a service free as part of your student benefits package).

In the end, I did leave. We had become roommates. I just wasn't thriving any longer. I was 44 at the time. I was terrified. But, I survived - and I thrived.

Thank you both for your thoughts on this issue. My husband used to put forth a lot more effort than he does now, so this wasn't an issue at the beginning of our marriage. Our children are mostly grown (we have a teenager at home) so part of it is that I have stayed because of her.

Any time I have threatened to leave (usually when I am at my wits end), he has offered to attend counseling with me, but then he never has time to actually do it. Our college does offer counseling, but it's not suitable for us (very short-term and geared towards the younger students).

The last time we had a big blowout, I told him that he was responsible for finding a suitable counselor (all the other counselors we have seen in the past were "taking my side", so I told him to choose) and making the initial appointment. Nothing ever happened with that, so I am lead to believe that he is not serious about it.

I have thought, long and hard, about what it would be like with me and my daughter living elsewhere, and seriously I don't see a lot of difference. I barely see him anyways, so not much change there. I do love him, very much, but I need to have my needs met too.

As for friends, I have always wished I had a few (or even one) close friends but for some reason I don't. I have a lot of acquaintances, but no close friends. My sisters are the closest people to me, but of course they can't give me non-biased answer. It's times like this, I wish my Mom was still here (she passed away in 2006). She was a great listener.

Hmmmm. There is something in him saying that counselors were "taking your side" and him also feigning an interest in fixing your marriage but not following through.

Since you have just one child left at home, I think it would be reasonable at this point in your life to schedule some time with your husband for a serious talk and ask him how he feels about you two divorcing. Since you have tried counseling several times, it's time for you two to discuss how your lives are going to go moving forward to the time when you have an empty nest; your own graduation, etc.

I'd be inclined to put it that you have needs and wants and desires that are not being met; and that while you do love him, you think the unequal commitment to the marriage is not the life you want in the future. You wouldn't be threatening him; you'd be trying to come to a livable life for yourself. And I think that is reasonable.

That is the same conclusion that I am coming to. I feel like I am just wasting time staying here, when I could be meeting someone that is more suited to me. He needs someone who is apathetic, like himself. Perhaps I am just too passionate for him now. I have gone almost two years without so much as a hug or an actual kiss (he gives me a glancing peck once in a while). I feel like I am withering away inside.