[Hedgeleaf]

Me and ex got back together a few weeks again and guess what... He dumped me on Friday.

We had plans to go out for some drinks after work and he said he was too skint to go so I offered to pay and he said no. We had a row and he dumped me, just like that.

Hadn't heard form him so I text him this morning asking if we can talk and he said no, he was too hung over. I got very upset and angry that he blew me out for a drink but was happy to go and drunk with other people.

Suffice to say we are again not together.

We had no contact for a few months then go back together as I hoping the time apart would make things better.

He's now turned it around on me saying I'm nasty at having a go at him when we went out and he's sick of being made to feel guilt about it.

Yes this is the same ex I usually post about.

How can I break this awful on off cycle I was doing so well

[Hedgeleaf]

I feel it's all my fault as I've let him back into my life

[Yoda]

Are you wanting to get back together with him?

I had an abusive partner and it was very confusing because sometimes he was kind and loving and other times abusive and angry.

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by Yoda

Are you wanting to get back together with him?

I had an abusive partner and it was very confusing because sometimes he was kind and loving and other times abusive and angry.

Part of me wants to be with him as when things are good they are amazing but when things get bad it's terrible. I can't stop thinking about all the good times we've had and how I want them back and just want him to be that person.

He's never been physically abusive to me

[divine1966]

Would it confuse your daughter that parents are on and off? And doesn't he do drugs? Or it's not your ex husband?

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[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Would it confuse your daughter that parents are on and off? And doesn't he do drugs? Or it's not your ex husband?

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No it's not ex husband.

This guy isn't in my daughters life

[Yoda]

I can relate to what you are saying. I wanted the "good" man that was a good father and a good partner. Most of the time he was.

But the abuse continued at intervals. I tried to help him change. He went as long as six months without being abusive and I thought he could/would change. He didn't.

Emotional abuse is still unhealthy. A good relationship requires trust and respect.

[highnrg1]

I think it's hard to let go of past relationships and it's natural to believe that with some time and distance, things might be able to work again. So don't beat yourself up for trying or think it's your fault. Sometimes, you DO need to give things another try and sometimes people can change. BUT, when you can clearly see that they have not changed (as it seems in this case), then it's time to break things off for good (especially when the guy acts like he did and then tries to blame it on you).

You deserve better!

I get it, though, because I sometimes feel lonely and long for past "good times", too. But sometimes people change so much (or maybe they truly never were who we thought they were initially in the relationship and then we eventually saw the "real" person and didn't like him so much???) and then we're longing for the "good feelings" and "fun times" we had with that person in the relationship (rather than actually longing for the actual person, who seems to be insensitive and unreliable, at least how he acted to you recently).

If this did set you back some, that's okay. You were moving forward and doing well and you can do it again. But learn from it and don't let him weasel his way back into your life the next time HE feels lonely. You can get back on track and continue to move forward in your life much better without this guy in your life!

Good luck and be strong!

[divine1966]

He doesn't sound like a good BF to me.. You can do better

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[Bill3]

Maybe it would help to think of him as a kind of addiction. You just had a "relapse". That happens. No need to beat yourself up. Instead, reflect on how it happened and learn from that. Forgive yourself. Think about what you can change, so as to be doing your best to avoid it happening again. But if it does happen again: reflect again, forgive yourself again.

(((((Hedgeleaf)))))

[divine1966]

Are you in therapy? It night really help you to explore patterns. You went from drug addicted husband to abusive boyfriend and kept returning to him. That's something good t can help you with: figuring out attraction to these men so you can find the one you deserve

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[Hedgeleaf]

[QUOTE=divine1966;5173723]Are you in therapy? It night really help you to explore patterns. You went from drug addicted husband to abusive boyfriend and kept returning to him. That's something good t can help you with: figuring out attraction to these men so you can find the one you deserve

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That's exactly the same as me. Husband chose drugs over his family and now boyfriend/ex is just an arse

I'm scared of therapy tho. I get phone sessions for free through my health care at work but I'm terrified

[Bill3]

What seems terrifying about therapy?

[divine1966]

You can just try and you can actually tell t that you are terrified so they could help you

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[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What seems terrifying about therapy?

Originally Posted by divine1966

You can just try and you can actually tell t that you are terrified so they could help you

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Just the fear of the unknown and I don't want to feel like an idiot

[divine1966]

You'll be joining a club of millions of "idiots" who are in therapy. Lol just kidding. actually one of the reasons I went to therapy was attraction to wrong men. Give it a try

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make yourself several lists: things you want, things you expect, things that cross the line. Now write out a list of everything that comes to mind about him. Where does he 'fail' in respect to these lists - especially where it comes to expectations and crossing the line? Do you believe he can 100% change? If you even have to question that, he is not the right man for you.

Good luck

[Bill3]

I have gotten a lot out of therapy. It was a bit scary at first but you could still give it a go!

[Hedgeleaf]

Thanks thanks for all replies

I feel numb. I'm upset about what's happened but I just can't properly feel anything. It's seems like I need to cry but I can't. I need to release something but there is nothing there.

I find it difficult to verbalise anything, to actually sit and listen to myself talk about everything. It's easy to type on a forum but to sit infront of a stranger and have the vulnerability of letting everything out is scary for me

[Bill3]

It is scary. Remember though that you won't need to let everything out right away, if ever. First a good t will help you get comfortable with her/him. Then you will decide what, and how much, to speak about.

[Hedgeleaf]

I've just never felt that anyone has really been ther for me in any way. To just listen. I feel so ignored (and I don't mean on this forum, just in life in general)

I wish someone would care enough to listen to me and my feelings and just listen, maybe give me a hug but just give me their time.

[Bill3]

(((((Hedgeleaf)))))

[divine1966]

You won't need to disclose everything. You might say you tend to do blah blah and would like to find healthier ways. T might actually ask you questions to help you. And you choose what to share over time

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[Bill3]

How are you doing now, Hedgeleaf?

[melmyers1107]

Follow your heart. Make a pro/con list of being with him and then make a pro/con of being without him. Which pro/con list has more pros use that list to make the decision. It makes it clear as pie.