[sunshine8491]

I need some advice on how to work on managing jealousy I have towards my boyfriend.

We have been together for almost 4 years and I have basically always felt the same way about him going out.

For background, he is a very extroverted person, very spontaneous and has a lot of different groups of friends and is very social and makes friends easily. I , on the other hand, have a handful of close friends, most of who do not live in the same city of me. Also, my job does not allow me to make close friendships with colleagues.

It is not uncommon for us to be sitting at home on a sat night and 11 pm rolls around and he tells me "i'm going to meet so and so or a group of people at the bar" then that turns into an after party and coming home at 4-5 am. This infuriates me.

I've tried to analyze this and I am jealous of the amount of friends he has and the endless invites to go out. I like to go out to, but have NO ONE to go out with. I wish i had those opportunities, but I dont. The two close friends i have in the city a) have kids or b) is more of a home body.

It honestly drives me mad that i am home, alone, again, on a friday or saturday night. And worse, I get very ****** with him before he goes out which just provokes him to stay out later to avoid my nagging. It is always a lose lose situation, yet, I have never been able to control them in an effective manner.

I know that i should build up my friend circle, and go out more myself. But I just feel stuck.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by sunshine8491

I need some advice on how to work on managing jealousy I have towards my boyfriend.

We have been together for almost 4 years and I have basically always felt the same way about him going out.

For background, he is a very extroverted person, very spontaneous and has a lot of different groups of friends and is very social and makes friends easily. I , on the other hand, have a handful of close friends, most of who do not live in the same city of me. Also, my job does not allow me to make close friendships with colleagues.

It is not uncommon for us to be sitting at home on a sat night and 11 pm rolls around and he tells me "i'm going to meet so and so or a group of people at the bar" then that turns into an after party and coming home at 4-5 am. This infuriates me.

I've tried to analyze this and I am jealous of the amount of friends he has and the endless invites to go out. I like to go out to, but have NO ONE to go out with. I wish i had those opportunities, but I dont. The two close friends i have in the city a) have kids or b) is more of a home body.

It honestly drives me mad that i am home, alone, again, on a friday or saturday night. And worse, I get very ****** with him before he goes out which just provokes him to stay out later to avoid my nagging. It is always a lose lose situation, yet, I have never been able to control them in an effective manner.

I know that i should build up my friend circle, and go out more myself. But I just feel stuck.

Jealousy is usually about bad/low self esteem and insecurity so I got into therapy to deal with my life long insecurities and attended a self-esteem workshop which helped me feel better about my self and improve my insecurities to the point where, if I feel jealous, I now know how to raise my feelings of low self worth and get back up to OKness. It's a set of mental/emotional skills that some of us were not taught in early childhood by parents and others who also had bad/low self worth.
With a little work and effort, it is possible to feel very secure and face any situation with dignity and power which gives us the ability to handle most troubling situations and say and do the right things.

This infuriates me.

After your self respect and worth is raised up to a functional level, none of this will ever "infuriate" you again and you will be able to honestly and courageously state your preferences and desires in ANY situation rather than becoming helplessly defeated and/or angry with others.

It is always a lose lose situation, yet, I have never been able to control them in an effective manner.

When you study and practice healthy self esteem/worth skills, you will experience a lot of win/win events and develop easy and effective control of your thoughts and feelings. Generally, having the thought/feeling: "I'm OK - right now!" pretty much takes a person out of and above the helplessness of having no control. Self esteem work helps us get our power back and then we can operated in a way more effective and satisfying manner in nearly all circumstances. good luck

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi sunshine,

Good to see you here at psych central!

What is the reason that you two don't go out together when he gets these invites?

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by sunshine8491

It is not uncommon for us to be sitting at home on a sat night and 11 pm rolls around and he tells me "i'm going to meet so and so or a group of people at the bar" then that turns into an after party and coming home at 4-5 am.

I don't think him taking off like that on a frequent basis is normal social behavior for a guy living with a woman in a committed relationship. That may be normal for a completely unattached guy, which he is not. I think you have a right to resent it.

Then, again, if you are both young and have no children yet, I don't think he should have to sit home all weekend. It would seem to me that you both should be going out together a couple of times a month.

I went through something like you are describing, but it was due to my guy having a serious drinking problem in the past. You might want to consider whether your boyfriend is over-involved with alcohol. Staying out as late as you describe sounds like binge drinking.

As a poster above already asked, is there some reason that the two of you don't go out together to meet his friends? If he's going out to meet a mixed gender group, seems like you could go too. If he's out - without you - drinking in the company of female "friends," I'ld be worried that could lead to infidelity.

[divine1966]

When he goes out why is he going alone and not with you? I understand going out alone with friends on occasion but not every Friday and Saturday night. It seems off. Is he ever suggesting you join him?

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I'd recommend joining him for these spontaneous outings. If he balks with you accompanying him ... that's a red flag.

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