Am I a doormat?

Hello,

I was in a LTR for 15 years and found myself waiting for him...a lot. Not making plans with friends in case he called, scheduling things in the mornings on the weekends to free up my afternoon for him. Basically, waiting. Well, that relationship ended and now 9 years later, I have found myself in the same situation. I've started dating a new guy (in a different city) and I'm constantly checking my phone for messages from him, scheduling appointments in his city in the hopes we can get together. Today for instance, I had an appointment in his city, it was very last minute, so I contacted him and he told me it would be hard for him to get away, which I understand, he was working. Basically, my appointment ended, told him I was done, he thought he might be able to get out early, so I waited, then didn't hear from him, so I headed home. Stopped in an adjacent town for something to eat, told him I had stopped, he still thought he might get out. I drove BACK to his city and found out he wouldn't be able to get out early. So, back and forth I drove in the hopes of getting a chance to hang out with him...

Old habits are hard to break, I guess.

Are you in therapy? Good therapist might be able to help you stop this cycle. What if you try to stop waiting and make your own plans? Can you try and see?

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I need to find a therapist. It's getting a little ridiculous. Everything, getting ridiculous.

I will try to make some plans for myself. I have to. I'm losing myself...

If you are asking yourself this question my advice would be to start reading some books about codependency and boundaries, and perhaps look up codependents anonymous online and see what you think.
Usually that term is used in the context of codependency or lack of boundaries.
Do you think you might have self esteem issues?

You just found yourself right here. You aren't lost and seeing a therapist is an excellent direction. Your intuition is spot on, you're not lost.

You need your own life, and you need to not drop it the moment you have a bf.


I did this at one stage, became very idk, consumed by my relationship (BPD much? Lol) but I've learned to model healthier behavior, although its not always easy. But if i feel myself slipping back, I just think on how pathetic I used to be, and I never want to be that person again.

You know, it's interesting, because I almost pride myself on being independent, not relying on anyone, being resourceful. I would never in a million years call myself codependent. Thank you, leomama, for pointing that out. I will check out the website. I do believe I have self esteem issues, although I would say I've become more confident in the past few years. But, it's kind of sad, I'm 47 and I'm beginning to realize I don't know myself that well. I don't have many friends or family so I get wrapped up in my head...a lot. It helps to hear from others.

Trippin2.0, it is pathetic, and embarrassing, but like I said, not many friends, don't get out much, I've not had anyone tell me to get a grip. lol Another thing to check out, BPD. Thank you.

Rainyday, your statement makes me realize that even though I saw a therapist for a few years, she didn't help me and I should've sought out a different one instead of getting discouraged and not going at all. Thank you, I'm starting my search today!

Getting advice, suggestions, guidance from others is so helpful. Even just little tidbits. Being stuck in my own head is not a good place to be right now.

Thank you, all.
M

Like you I'm fiercely independent, and I don't really have friends either (and my apologies I didn't mean to imply that you're pathetic, it was a self assessment) for me the problem is that I used to allow my relationships to consume me, because I'm not very good at balance, never was, and its the reason my mother forbid me from any serious dating during HS.


Therapy has helped alot, and in my mind, reading a book or bingeing on movies or series is still better than waiting for my phone to ring, and if that's all I got in that moment, its good enough for me.


I think therapy, with very specific goals in mind is a very good idea.


It's helped me immensely

Relationships take efforts from both parties. Does he ever initiate meeting up? As hard and frustrating as it is to not want to miss out on that one chance time he may call and you may be busy, how awful is that that not being able to see each other hinges on you being completely free and at the mercy of his whim? Where's his ability to show desire to be with you? Where's his desire to make some compromises, to look at the calendar with you?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Hi Meeshell, I'm not calling you codependent either, I'm inviting you to look up codependency and start reading about it and see if you see yourself in it. I don't see independence and codependency as being mutually exclusive. 12 step groups really help to get out and meet new people.

Yes, he does initiate meeting as well. The distance between us is challenging that's for sure. Looking back, it never would have worked for us to meet yesterday. It WAS last minute and he told me he didn't think he'd be able to get away, it should've stopped right there. I got caught up in the moment.