[purplemystery]

My boyfriend is an engineer and I'm studying to be a social worker. So as you may expect, we have some differences in perspective on how we see the world, and it bothers me a bit. I'm a very caring and compassionate person and want to devote my life to helping others. I'm passionate about issues of gender equality, homelessness, poverty, racism, etc. My boyfriend is very interested in money because he wants to retire early, but I see my career as a significant part of my life. Maybe that's somewhat naive of me. He thinks that some people in poverty want to rely on welfare instead of getting a job or they take advantage of the system. He thinks the minimum wage shouldn't be raised, he's a little frustrated that women don't always recognize some injustices against men in society, and he has some conservative political views (though some liberal views too). He thinks that people can get anywhere if they put in the effort. Basically, in general I feel like he jumps toward judging people and I jump toward compassion. In his view, he holds people accountable for things. His personality is very analytic and logical, and he admits he's not very empathetic with people. I like to see how people got to be the way they are, and I think most people are good. I'm more emotional.

That said, he is a very good person though. He treats me extremely well and is genuinely one of the best listeners I've ever met. He supports my career and is always so open to hearing my point of view. Some of the things I've said have changed his viewpoints a bit. He is also nice to everyone too, and likes how much I care about helping others. I'm so happy with him otherwise, I love so much about him, and I feel so comfortable with him. I think there's a very good possibility I will marry him.

But recently I've moved in with him, which has made me think even harder about marriage. Maybe I want someone that has the value of devoting their life to helping others. Since I started school again, I've been learning a lot of things that have made me filled with anger about injustices in the world. It's overwhelming to hear all of that constantly. And I've learned things that support the liberal point of view and contradict some "factual" things he has told me. It bothers me somewhat that we have some different views, and I want to make sure that I'm with the right person. Most of me thinks I am, but I wish I could share that passion with him. In class I hear my boyfriend's viewpoints and (sometimes) how they contradict the profession.

Do you think we're too different, or that this is not much of an issue? Maybe he could help me be more grounded, and I could help him understand others. But I also don't want to try to change him. Should I talk to him about these feelings? Maybe I have some misconceptions about how he feels about people. How would I go about talking to him? I really don't want to hurt him because he is truly an amazing boyfriend.

[Talthybius]

I think these kinds of views should ideally be as identical as possible. I get the point of liberal views vs conservative views and even more the ideas about why you have a professional life/career.

I don't think there is much point into really debating this with the goal to chance his views, unless you both like debating your difference.

I think for me it would be difficult to be with someone who isn't a liberal socialist, isn't a vegetarian, and isn't fascinated with science up to some point, and sees the power of the scientific method.

No one can tell you if you and him are too different. Also, you mention a lot of good points. No guarantee that a person that does share more similar views has those qualities as well.

I also wonder if you actually give him a fair judgment here. Like you say he is not empathic, but he is nice to everyone. When he says he wants to retire early, is that his logic talking, or his passion? Quite some people that are engineers are so out of passion, not out of money.

[purplemystery]

You make a lot of sense. I've always seen myself with someone that cares a lot about others. Some of the people I've most admired in my life, like some teachers, were like that. I want him to get that about me and to feel that way too. But on the other hand, he makes me feel very good about myself and is so respectful. He has a ton of good qualities that are beyond what I expected. Everything else is great. And he is willing to listen to my views, and I his. I hate to think of it like this, but maybe I wouldn't find someone who makes me comfortable and supports me as well as he does (I have some social anxiety and am amazed how comfortable I am with him when I haven't been with other boyfriends). It would be throwing something amazing away. But this issue does persist in bothering me, and sometimes when he talks about things my blood boils even though I stay calm and hear him out.

He says he is not empathetic, but yes he does treat everyone well and is very understanding with me. And he is an engineer for the money. He thought he wouldn't like any job and wants to be a blogger/book writer/video game designer, but wants to save up money and retire before following those passions. He doesn't want to live lavishly, but he he's all about saving.

I agree it's not the best idea to try to influence his beliefs. But I fins myself wanting to tell him everything I'm learning in class to do so, though I avoid talking about it for this reason. I deep down have a hope that I could change that part of him, but I don't engage in that hope and know that I shouldn't.

I guess my options are to accept his views or not accept them. If I accept them, I'm not sure if I'll feel misunderstood and like he could never get a certain aspect of my being. But I know we can both see both sides to an issue. If I don't accept it, that means letting go of someone that means everything to me and that treats me amazingly well (extremely appreciative, supportive, etc). I know without a doubt he would (and does) make me happy, except for this issue. Which I have to admit is a serious issue. :/ Maybe I need to talk to him and figure out exactly what his values are, have him define them and how he views the world and others.

It makes me sad to even be thinking it might not be right.

[purplemystery]

Maybe he just isn't informed enough about social issues, and if he was he would feel the same way? Because just being in school and learning more, my ideas have solidified more. But here I go again hoping his views will change. Maybe it would make a difference, but at the same time it's not right for me to try to convince him.

[healingme4me]

Ever seen a Yankees Fan married to a Red Sox fan? The oldest rivalry in sports. It's about agreeing to disagree.

Maybe once the dust settles from the excitement of the lessons learned in your current justice class tapers off, you'll find yourself less upset that he's not changing based upon 1 class?

It's also ok to not need to discuss coursework with him but with other classmates.

It would seem silly to toss away a relationship because 1 class had such a profound effect and your blood boiled over because your bf wasn't swayed.

[purplemystery]

True, if I could learn to see it in a more light-hearted agree to disagree way, that might be okay. We are very good at listening to each other, but I'm afraid the dust won't settle after my grad school classes. Maybe it will, or maybe I will become an activist and try hard to keep up to date on that kind of knowledge. Which is kind of who I want to be. It might make sense to keep that separate from him though, but then again it's such an important part of me. :/ But he did say (without me even asking) he would be interested in volunteering with me to try it out. And he did say (again without my asking) he would be willing to read something interesting related to my school work if it was important to me. So he's clearly willing to hear my side and/or is seeing this may be important to me? I guess I should find a way to talk to him about it and maybe we can figure out how to make it work for us. But I agree it would be an awful lot to throw away. If he was completely conservative and against my ideas or not open to hearing them, I'd feel differently. Thanks for your input.

[healingme4me]

It's good that he's willing to listen. That's a positive. I guess my feeling about 1 class is that the topic is highly complex. Coursework in civil rights laws and other viewpoints can go a long way into understanding the depth of inequality in society. I hope that you can reach your goals with this newfound passion.

[purplemystery]

Social issues are highly complex, that's a good point. There are two sides to them, and though I absolutely think my side is best, I do think certain elements of his side are right too. And even if he doesn't have the same passion for it, I don't have the same passion for investing that he does for example. But I read a whole book about personal finance for him and am integrating things I've learned. I'll never be as interested in finance, but maybe there could be a happy medium with my interest too where he sees a little of the social work world . Thank you so much, I appreciate it.