[sidony]

Okay minor relationship dilemma:

I was in a relationship for over five years. I still have very strong feelings for my ex (which he knows about). I've been trying to slowly pull away from my group of friends (I mentioned this in another thread here) because I think it will make it easier for me to get over things. But sometimes it's hard to pull away since I do enjoy their company and sitting at home alone is kind of lame.

Anyway, earlier this week one of my friends sent out an invite for a show tonight. Went to about 10 people including me and my ex. (My ex and I have both both been present at a lot of events since he and I broke up since we have the same group of friends.)

My ex responds to the list by saying that he will be there and will be bringing the girl he is now seeing. That's the first time he's acknowledged to the group that he's with someone new (at least the first time as far as I'm aware) and also the first time he's been to a private event with someone new. I saw him at a large party once with her recently, but it's not the same. Obviously I'm uncomfortable at a small gathering with them present, and I had already bought my ticket (non-refundable). So I'm not going. But here's my question:

Should I tell my ex that I think it was insensitive on his part not to at least warn me that he was thinking of coming and bringing his new girlfriend? I mean obviously he doesn't have to clear things with me, but considering it's a very small group of my friends (and that he knows how I still feel), he might have asked me how I felt about it before announcing it. Is that unreasonable? Or will I sound like an immature whiner if I say something like that? It has been a while since we broke up, but of course that's hard for me. Especially given that most of our friends are in couples (it'd sure be weird for me to attend an event with a bunch of couples, one of whom is my ex and his new girlfriend).

I'm pretty sure I'm just going to disappear from my group anyway, but I wondered if it was a good idea to say something like that. What do you guys think? Ignore it and move on?

Sidony

he could take his head out of his **** and that way, he wouldn't have accepted the invite anyway. you're the one alone and a sensitive man would have declined and gone to something else with his girlfriend..........(i'm extra tired today, so am extra *****y ) love ya, pat

[sidony]

Thanks Pat!

I admit a little *****iness is helpful. I should be angrier (or rather, more expressive of my anger), but I'm often trying to figure out what the most mature course of action is for me to take. I never want anyone thinking I can't hold it together.

But yeah that was kind of an @@@hole thing to do. Especially considering he knows I'm already depressed about losing my job. Just wondering how it looks for me to say anything.....

Sidony

[Wants2Fly]

I am sorry that you are hurting, Sidony. I have been in your shoes, as I remained friends with my frist husband for 12 years after the divorce, often being in large and small groups with his new gfs and wife. It too me nearly 20 years to realize how much I was hurting inside by doing this.

I respectfully offer a different view from Pat's. I and I alone am responsible for my feelings.

Your X has moved on in some important way. You haven't. That's not his problem. If you can't enjoy being in a small group with him, don't go, and start making new friends.

I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but I have found that the cleanest choice I can make is to not hold other people responsible for my feelings. In my case, I denied the inner hurt, because my X was my best friend and an extremely intelligent, entertaining, and resourceful man in the same occupation as I was. Denial was not a healthy way to "take responsibility" for my feelings.

Making myself responsible for my feelings has made it easier for me to establish boundaries and to decide how to respond to boundary violations.

If your boundary is that you cannot be comfortable in a small group with your X and his new gf, you must tell the friend who extended the invitation about this. You must ask if your X will be there with his new gf every time someone from this group extended an invitation so that you will know what to expect. This requires you to reveal your vulnerability, but that is a human quality -- a human quality that I denied in myself for far too long.

Once these friends understand that they cannot have both you and your X, the decision is the friend's about whom to invite.

If you are not invited, that will hurt, too. But again, the friend extending the invitation is not responsible for your feelings either.

Unfortunately, after a break-up, friends tend to get divided into HIS and HERS piles, like everything else. I respectfully submit, on the basis of my own experience, that wanting to hang onto the old circle of friends lead me to make a poor choice about denying how much it hurt. The pain is real, and it's okay to feel it.

[sidony]

Hey Wants2Fly,

Thanks for your thoughts on this. So far I haven't said anything to my ex. I did email the host (who had invited us) last night and told her that I would likely change my mind about coming (I'd originally replied that I would be there) because it's painful for me to see my ex with someone else. She was very understanding and also agreed not to share that with the others (luckily I hadn't responded to the whole list so people didn't know to expect me). I could go and act totally okay about everything (I'm perfectly capable of pulling that off) -- I might even be able to convince myself that I'm okay -- but I don't think I will. I think I'll just pull away.

I'm amazed you could stay friends with your ex for so long. That must have been so hard. I like to think we can all be okay about everything, but I guess that's not realistic.

Thanks,
Sidony

[Wants2Fly]

I numbed my feelings with booze, my dear, that is how I did it. I pretended to be a really tough chick who could do anything. In fact, at one point he wrote me a lovely letter about what happened to the sweet, sensitive gal he had courted.

I am sure, too, Sidony, that you can "pull it off." You may even feel a little proud of yourself for being able to do it. I certainly did.

But I suspect that there is an inner price to be paid.