[Jaines]

So basic information I am 20 from Australia and this is basically a spot that i am going to talk about stuff. So basically my whole life stuff has been bad for lack of a better word. I've moved around a lot and at every school I went to I had trouble fitting in and making friends.

From year 1 until year 8 I went to 4 different schools and there was always a group of people who bully me either physically or emotionally or both. Whenever people asked me how I got hurt or why I was upset I would always lie and say that I fell over or something like that. I didn't grow up with many friends and even the people I did consider friends would use me as the punchline for most of their jokes. From year 2-6 was the worst of it, every day I would be slammed into lockers or tripped or I would get my books and glasses stolen off me. I ended up running from the classroom straight to the library where I would hide reading during lunch times hoping they wouldn't find me.

Basically my early schooling life sucked and that's led to some pretty serious issues developing. From about year 8 I met some people at my school one of which I am still really good friends with today but a lot of people in the group that friend was part of didn't like me. They found me annoying and argumentative and to be a really big smart *** after a little while. They tried to get me to come out of my shell and when I did they hated what I was. I took things too far most of the time continuing on arguments when I should have let them be and making witty comments that people found annoying.

So pretty much school was a place that I hated going to but home got pretty bad around year 11 when my parents started to get really involved with my grades. They were very demanding when it came to them. I was a band 5/6 student which I think is about A/B but my parents expected all As or I wouldn't make them proud and pretty much turned home into a pretty bad place as well. When I didn't go well in a test I would get yelled at and punished because I didn't meet their standards. During this time school got worse because that really good friend I mentioned earlier got 2 next door neighbours (twins) who were in our year at school. They were giant compared to me. We 3 had Harri as a mutual friend but we didn't really get along. Whenever he was away from school I would always have water thrown on me or be pushed onto the ground. I laughed it off because I thought Harri preferred them as friends, as they shared more interests (I don't really know if that's true to this day but he is pretty good friends with them) and I didn't want to lose Harri as a friend. This probably sounds like a lot of complaining but I just wanted to have some people to tell what happened to me.

I started uni this year and it was a pretty rough start. For the first half of the year I had no friends because I was too scared to make any because of my past experiences. There were these 2 people in particular that I wanted to talk to for the longest time but kept losing my nerve everytime I went to talk to them. They sat at the end of my row in chemistry and maths lectures and I had overheard their conversations sometimes and they had similar interests to me but I didn't have the courage to speak the them. In June just before exams were about to begin one of them invited me over to talk to them which was a real miracle because I was just about to give up and call quits on life. They are a great bunch of people and I've since been introduced to more of their friends and that one act of inviting me over made my life 10000x better. I just feel a little guilty every about things to do with them, like the person who invited me over is amazing, he gives me lifts everywhere, is great company, gives brilliant advice and is all round a good guy. I just feel like I have nothing to offer these guys back and I am sort of just dead weight. I have tried to pay for the lifts but everytime I go to do it I just almost freeze up and think that's it's not a good time or whatever. I just feel like I have nothing to offer them and I really want to because they are amazing people.

I think that I am also a burden to them to. I have had a bunch of issues with family, work and money this year but and sometimes I've been in a foul mood at uni and sort of taken it out on them and I am worried that they are mad about it and are only sticking around me because they are not heartless enough to tell me to get lost.

I don't know sorry for the huge rant but I just needed somewhere to talk about my life as it currently stands. Thanks for taking the time to read

[Aviza]

Adjusting is always tough. Some of the toughest years are early 20's. Leaving family, forging your way in the world. Dealing with expectations and desires. It's just a tough time. You will figure out what you want vs what is expected. And how to make it all work. Just ease up on pressuring yourself too much.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jaines: I'm an older person now. But, many years ago, school was a very difficult place for me as well. So I can understand something of where you have come from. I'm glad you have now found some friends. Hopefully, you can now begin to put what happened to you, in the past, behind you & begin to simply feel good about your present success.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Talthybius]

I understand very much the feeling about having a hard time getting out of your shell while having the fear that once you get out of your shell, other's won't like what they see.

I cannot tell you you are definitely wrong, as I do not know you.

But maybe the way to learn how to get out of your shell, and being likable doing it, is by learning from your failed attempts.

Also remember that people are selfish. They do things that make them feel good. The person that involved you into the circle of friends, he does so because that makes him feel good. It is not impossible that they think you barely improve their friendship and that they offered you a pity friendship. But even if that were the truth, you still make them feel good about the pity friendship they offer you and there is no reason it cannot change into a true friendship.

If you feel so grateful to this person, why not tell him? No need to offer money, except out of politeness. Make sure he knows that he is being very succesful at what he is trying to do.

I am sure there is room for improvement in your life. In whose life this is not true? But are you sure you are not underestimating yourself? If you were bad company, they wouldn't keep you around. Yes, it is possible that someone is invited because of pity. But no one suffers through bad company out of pity.

If you really had ideas about suicide, sounds like you had the way you wrote it, consider talking to a professional about it. It won't harm. Your life improved a lot the last few years, but you are not satisfied. No reason it cannot keep improving the way it did.