[Pittylova]

So, long story short I've been wuth my boyfriend for a year and a half and we've lived together 9 and a half months. We've know each other 9 years, and previously dated for a year.

We broke up the first time because he went into depression and thought i was better off without him. I didnt understand what was going on. I moved forward and he came looking to get back together 2 months later. A couple of years wemt by and we tried again. We moved an hour away from everybody.

He has chronic depression, ptsd, and a slight bipolar "issue". And I'm madly in love with him.

He came to be on Tuesday and told me that he loves me and my kids, and he has nothing to complain about, he has everything he had ever wanted, but he's still unhappy and its not fair to us. He wouldnt discuss working through it. He was the most upset I've ever seen him, he said telling me was the hardest thing he ever had to do and that he's more "messed in his head than he thought."

I feel like he's overwhelmed due to outside factors and its magnified being home. I want to offer to move closer to his friends and family. There was a financial issue recently that really stressed him out as well. I also feel like if he actually did more family things with us he may feel less overwhelmed with the family lifestyle. Right now its always me and the kids, then him. His participation is putting the little one to bed and discipline. He doesnt experience the other side of it. I even offered to go to therapy with him.

Its almost been a week and its killing me inside. I know he hurts and i dont know what to do. I dont want to let him go, but dont know how to approach this or if my theories have any validity. Ive never had the struggles he does, i don't...i can't fully understand. I was hoping for some advice!

Hello, Pittylova.



Sincerely,

Rainy

[Skeezyks]

Hello Pittylova: If the mental health experts are to be believed, we have to accept that mental illness is a physiological condition involving the neurochemicals in the brain. And, of course, there can also be life experiences that have an impact as well. (At least this is my clumsy way of putting it.) Anyway... the point being... your boyfriend has an illness that requires treatment. And in order for him to heal, he's going to have to seek the necessary treatment including therapy & / or medications.

You mentioned several ideas you've had for things you might be able to do that might help. And they may. But, from my non-professional perspective, they may be unlikely to cure him. So my thinking is... go ahead & try any or all of them as long as it's not too disruptive to do so. But don't expect that these things are going to resolve your bf's issues.

I know you wrote that you've offered to go to therapy with him. (I don't know if he's going himself.) But, really, your bf is going to have to do what is necessary in order to achieve whatever amount of healing is possible. You can be as supportive as possible. (And it sounds as though you have been.) However, you cannot heal him any more than you could heal him if he developed a heart condition. And the bottom line here from my perspective is that if your bf will not, or even if he cannot, do what he needs to do to heal you cannot save him. And you must not allow his condition to drag you down as well, if for no other reason than for the sake of your kids. So from that perspective you may want to consider seeking some individual therapy for yourself, given that you say this situation is killing you inside.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Bill3]

He has chronic depression, ptsd, and a slight bipolar "issue". And I'm madly in love with him.

What do you love about him?

[fairydustgirl]

As someone with bipolar who was married for a really long time before the bipolar was diagnosed...there were times when I was not 'myself' and wanted out, or shut down, and in some cases said things I don't even remember but were hurtful and they weren't ME necessarily saying them, it was the episode coloring my thoughts. Depression lies to us and makes us lie to the people we love.
in so saying, if he is feeling very down and as if he's just not able to be with you because of his depression, then he probably really needs to see his dr.
not saying it will make him stay if he comes back up from the depression but it is worth a try.

[Pittylova]

Thank you everybody for taking the time to reply/welcome me. I apologize for typos before, and any that may pop up. Im on my phone so they sneak up on me.

Yes, he is going to therapy. He recently started since he began feeling this way he said. I know i can't heal him; i came to terms with that when he left the first time. I knew that eventually he would spiral downward again. He refuses ongoing treatment including both therapy and medication. Although him seeking therapy this time is amazing. He hasnt gone in several years.

I just don't know if he's thinking straight or if he is in fact not because of all of the things he has going on. I've never experienced any of it for myself. Is this something that could be a case where he doesn't realize it's the depression, etc? I may sound dumb but im not sure how it works. I dont want to keep pushing him about it and the next 3 months are hell. I'm trying so hard to go about this logically and keep my emotions on the back burner. At the same time if we split i have to find a place for me and my kids. 3 months isn't a long time to plan.

Bill3: There are many things I love about him. He is the most loyal and honest person I know. He is a great role model and adores the kids. He makes me laugh. I'm the most comfortable when I'm with him and can openly tell him things i have never told another soul. I feel at peace when im with him. He's a great provider (not just talking finances please dont take it wrong) and protector. He's a rough type on the outside but is actually very sweet and caring with us. He makes me amd my kids happy.