[rdgrad15]

I have a casual friend who I still talk to that exhibits awkward social skills. There is nothing bad about her, I like her as a friend and vise versa. We've been friends for a few years and we get along so I have nothing against her in any way. I just sometimes wonder if this particular person has Aspergers or just lacks social skills. The reason is because I feel like I have to adapt how I converse with her in order to get her to understand what I may be saying and it is very hard for me to get her to talk about something else once she gets started on a certain topic, among other things.

I know Aspergers is just a milder form of Autism. She has some similarities to people who actually do have the disorder. Some of the similarities are being fixated on a single topic for a long time, conversations are very one-sided, she doesn't feel the need to make friends and actually prefers to be with family, and at one point, she had trouble understanding sarcasm. When I first met her, she was way worse. You could make a sarcastic remark about something and she would take it literally.

Even about the weather. Once it was a rainy day and I sarcastically said it was beautiful out, and she replied by saying no it isn't, it is actually rainy and crappy. Obviously she was right and i agreed, but she didn't get the sarcasm behind it. She was like that with other things as well, couldn't understand jokes at all and was extremely deep about things. Sometimes she would even talk about things that were considered inappropriate or may have seemed exaggerated.

She was never diagnosed with Aspergers, and I've seen people with Aspergers who are way worse so I don't know if she has it due to the similarities or if she just has very poor social skills, making it seem like she has it when she really doesn't. I don't care if she does, that is no big deal. Just feel like sometimes I have to adapt my conversations in order for her to understand what I mean when I say some things. She has improved a bit since we first met in college, but she still struggles a lot with jokes, sarcasm, and social cues.

There has been plenty of times when I would see her talking to someone else, and that person is showing obvious signs of annoyance or not wanting to talk to her and she would not be getting the hint at all. Even when I show since of getting tired of what she is talking about or something, she won't get it. And since she has these tendencies, I have been wondering how to work around these obstacles. Like, should I politely interrupt if she goes on about something for too long?

Does anyone have good tips on how to deal with someone who struggles socially to the point where it hinders their ability to make normal conversations? I've worked with people with Autism in a professional setting, but it is a bit different when it is someone you know from school and know them on a personal level. How do you react if someone you know struggles with getting jokes, sarcasm, and can't read social cues? Just seeing how other people deal with that stuff without coming off as rude and hurting the person's feelings.

There are some things that she doesn't do that are known to be a part of Aspergers. She does not need everything to be the same each time, she doesn't get anxious when there is a small change in her daily plans, she is flexible and can hold jobs with ease. It is just the social aspect that makes me wonder. I don't immediately assume she has Aspergers, it just makes me wonder if she does or not. Anyone else have experiences with people like this, whether it is professionally or personally? As I mentioned before, I don't dislike her due to her lack of social skills, and whether or not she has Aspergers doesn't dictate whether converse with her at times.

I just sometimes find some of her social behaviors and habits a bit off and when it comes to her not understanding something, I want to politely help her understand, but afraid it may come off as offensive. Same with her talking to someone else who is showing very obvious signs of annoyance. I want to be able to hint to her that she needs to stop talking to someone who is annoyed, or at least change the subject, but I don't know how to without being rude. Also she may say stuff that may sound rude to others, but she sees no problem in saying, especially if it is the blunt truth, which can be good and bad.

[Talthybius]

A person is a person. Right now, Aspergers doesn't exist anymore in DSMV.
Yes, does sound like Asperger traints, but we can't do a diagnosis.

I used to have one-sided conversations about my obsessions to other people. If they showed one sign of being interested (which they may have done out of politeness), I finally felt safe to be uninhibited.

Does she have Aspergers or lack social skills? What is the difference? You say she doesn't get sarcasm and sometimes talks too much about one subject.
Well, that's what she does.
All you can do is politely nudge her into the right direction, or be more obvious with your normally subconscious queues. Like telling her you want to talk about something else now. Or ask her if she noticed that the person she was talking to was not interested in her conversation subject.

Don't interrupt her or call her out publically. Do it discretely.

Aspergers doesn't exist anymore. It's now called being high functioning while on the autism spectrum. And while it existed, there was no test to determine if someone had Aspergers or not. It was just the judgment of a single person, with professional training yes, but a single subjective judgment.

[Love Understanding]

To begin with, I would like to say,
Our World needs more People like you! Your interest in Your Friends struggles shows great compassion.
From perspective of someone who suffers from Symptoms of (ASD), Not yet diagnosed!
I'm not the Expert!
I think you are on to something,
but your friend may or may not have a clue about the cause of these problems, or be afraid to confront them?
Your Friend needs people like you in Her life!
I might ask her what she knows about it, and see if She has an opinion about it!
Tell her you think one of your friends may have it, and you don't know how to Start the Conversation?
Ask her what She would Do?

[LeeeLeee]

I'd like to add more cheers to what Love Understanding said. You are awesome for going the distance with this friend of yours, acknowledging her uniqueness with such compassion and openness to learn how to communicate with her.

In my understanding, Autism and Aspergers are a SPECTRUM so your friend might be high functioning and mildly on the spectrum.

Just FYI - I have two friends on the spectrum - one is a lawyer involved in amazing advocacy work, the other is an electronics engineer. Yes, the both have varying degrees of social awkwardness and there are certain modes of communication I avoid entirely, like sarcasm...but hey, nothing wrong with being less sarcastic and more openly reflective on all sides of various topics. I believe I've learned a lot about being a better communicator from these people as THEY are so open to hanging out with me and my non-cosmic-thinking, rather simple self.

If I say something one of my friends doesn't "get," I'm sometimes caught up in such mental gymnastics I just stop and say "I'm being sarcastic." Sometimes they'll say...OHHH!!! oH! haha.. well I thought you were really thinking this was good weather. Never lasts long! heehee

It takes practice. You might not ever break certain barriers but you might have them say one day, "that must be sarcasm. I'll have to remember that."

[Talthybius]

I wouldn't 'confront' her about having Asperger/autistic or being socially awkward.

I can see myself be very pissed off about that if someone were to do that to me, depending on who and how exactly.

[divine1966]

Not everyone with bad social skills has ASD. Also people might go on and on for number of reasons (my husband has severe OCD-yes, diagnosed, and he at times goes on and on). I would not attempt to randomly diagnose people, neither others, nor yourself. It seems a trend on PC. People diagnose themselves and others left and right. I'd refrain from doing that

Saying that, I command you for trying to help. yes it's ok politely let the person know that it's time the change the subject. But unless they ask you, I wouldn't be advising them re their social skills especially if you are not very close. If they ask I'd suggest they seek professional help

Other than that it's hard to advice as we don't see or know that person.

There is nothing wrong with changing topic. If she asks you later what a great opportunity to be honest and tell her why.

[eskielover]

Asperger's is now called ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). There can be many different reasons for behaviors like that, but when they all come together sometimes it seems obvious to us whether it's formally dx'ed or not.....but when it's not formally Dx'ed, then it's just something we end up sensing is probably the explanation but not 100% sure.

I was married to a man for 33 years who after I finally left him, looking back, most of his behavior indicated that it was ASD that I had been struggling with all those years. It does take special understanding & patience to adapt to their ways of thinking, communicating & even behaviors.....but in saying that.....in reality....each person is completely different from the other because it is a spectrum disorder....no 2 behaviors are the same. Some are much more subtle than others.

I have found that people at my age have been undiagnosed because they didn't even diagnose Aspergers at that time until 1994 in the US so many older people who actually have it were never Dx'ed & by that time, their parents usually aren't even alive to give information about their childhood beyond what they remember.

The best thing you can do is to just try to sort through their behavior & deal with it on their terms as best as you can. Even if your friend doesn't have ASD, learning about it & possibly dealing with the difficulties in the same way might help you anyway to easier handle the things you are wondering about.

[Shadix]

I am someone who is very good at "reading between the lines" and who has a very good understanding of sarcasm, yet I have a tendency to take jokes and sarcastic comments literally at first. My issue is that I am slow to get things. It just doesn't register right away, but after a few seconds I get it. My understanding is that this is different from people on the autism spectrum not being able to understand sarcasm, jokes, etc.

Don't know about your friend, but I would be pretty offended if a friend pointed out that I have trouble getting sarcasm or jokes. I would interpret that as them saying I am slow. I would start to question why they want to be friends with me if they think of me that way.

[eskielover]

I would be pretty offended if a friend pointed out that I have trouble getting sarcasm or jokes. I would interpret that as them saying I am slow. I would start to question why they want to be friends with me if they think of me that way.

Just because someone is slow, doesn't mean that it's any reason to NOT be friends with them......that would be pretty shallow reasoning to determine that you can't be friends with someone.

[IceCreamKid]

I don't mean to be insensitive, and I really am trying to be helpful, but are you sure you are not describing yourself?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Shadix

I am someone who is very good at "reading between the lines" and who has a very good understanding of sarcasm, yet I have a tendency to take jokes and sarcastic comments literally at first. My issue is that I am slow to get things. It just doesn't register right away, but after a few seconds I get it. My understanding is that this is different from people on the autism spectrum not being able to understand sarcasm, jokes, etc.

Don't know about your friend, but I would be pretty offended if a friend pointed out that I have trouble getting sarcasm or jokes. I would interpret that as them saying I am slow. I would start to question why they want to be friends with me if they think of me that way.

I didn't mean it like that, if I didn't like her because of that, I wouldn't hang out with her. She is pretty cool, I am just curious as to how to adapt due to her social skills. I don't think she is slow at all. There is a big difference.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I don't mean to be insensitive, and I really am trying to be helpful, but are you sure you are not describing yourself?

I didn't mean it to sound like I am insulting her. I do like her, otherwise I would not associate with her. I was just seeing what could be going on and how to adapt. And yeah I am sure I am not describing myself. I would know.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Just because someone is slow, doesn't mean that it's any reason to NOT be friends with them......that would be pretty shallow reasoning to determine that you can't be friends with someone.

I am definitely not choosing whether or not I would want to be friends with her due to her social skills. I would just simply not hang out with her if that were the case.

[eskielover]

rdgrad15......I knew you weren't making it a reason not to be friends. My reply was actually to the words I quoted from shadix that just came across as being rather shallow reasoning......it was not directed at you at all

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Just because someone is slow, doesn't mean that it's any reason to NOT be friends with them......that would be pretty shallow reasoning to determine that you can't be friends with someone.

From my experience, it seems most people like to avoid interacting with those they see as slow or socially awkward. This seems to be particularly true when it comes to slow or socially awkward males. Slow or socially awkward females are more readily accepted I think, but in our society males are judged very harshly on our social and intellectual competence.

[Love Understanding]

Originally Posted by Shadix

I am someone who is very good at "reading between the lines" and who has a very good understanding of sarcasm, yet I have a tendency to take jokes and sarcastic comments literally at first. My issue is that I am slow to get things. It just doesn't register right away, but after a few seconds I get it. My understanding is that this is different from people on the autism spectrum not being able to understand sarcasm, jokes, etc.

Don't know about your friend, but I would be pretty offended if a friend pointed out that I have trouble getting sarcasm or jokes. I would interpret that as them saying I am slow. I would start to question why they want to be friends with me if they think of me that way.

Do you know what your problem is?
You haven't Studied the Spectrum,
You offered an Ignorant opinion, as far as I'm concerned! Pull the Beam out of Your Eye, before you Try, to remove the specks in Someone else's!
Are you Afraid to Really See Yourself?
You want this to be about You, anyway.
Why are you Here ?
Do you need Our Help, or would you rather Fix everybody; except Yourself?

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by Love Understanding

Do you know what your problem is?
You haven't Studied the Spectrum,
You offered an Ignorant opinion, as far as I'm concerned! Pull the Beam out of Your Eye, before you Try, to remove the specks in Someone else's!
Are you Afraid to Really See Yourself?
You want this to be about You, anyway.
Why are you Here ?
Do you need Our Help, or would you rather Fix everybody; except Yourself?

Not sure what you mean. I have studied the spectrum. I don't know for sure if I am on it, I could be, but so far it seems the verdict is no, and if I am it would be a very mild case. It just seems to me like my problem has more to do with being cognitively slow than with any autism related traits.

[Love Understanding]

I can appreciate your problem!
Your problem must be very difficult? I just read about it,
and would have to say, I don't always get everything right, so I read it again and think about it,
OR I'll get more information!
That is if I catch the mistake.
Not prefect, in this Body!

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Shadix

From my experience, it seems most people like to avoid interacting with those they see as slow or socially awkward. This seems to be particularly true when it comes to slow or socially awkward males. Slow or socially awkward females are more readily accepted I think, but in our society males are judged very harshly on our social and intellectual competence.

The problem is that when we generalize ALL of society by our own personal experiences, it's not always accurate & it's something that is better off not done. Stating that it is an opinion from your own experience like you did in this post is the way to approach that in a much better way of expressing thoughts like this.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

rdgrad15......I knew you weren't making it a reason not to be friends. My reply was actually to the words I quoted from shadix that just came across as being rather shallow reasoning......it was not directed at you at all

Oh okay I see.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Shadix

From my experience, it seems most people like to avoid interacting with those they see as slow or socially awkward. This seems to be particularly true when it comes to slow or socially awkward males. Slow or socially awkward females are more readily accepted I think, but in our society males are judged very harshly on our social and intellectual competence.

I do agree with you on that, I have noticed people who actually have problems are judged and rejected more, especially males. But yeah, not all people do that.