[stolemyheart87]

Over all of the years, I have been dating, I have always turned to the internet to date, and form the relationships I have had over the years. I have only been in 4 serious relationships, and 2 engagements. As of right now, I have been single for 4 months now, my recent break up happening this past summer in May 2016.

But here is where I have my issue, with the last few relationships I have been involved with, this is what I noticed, every time I find my Boyfriend through online dating, through a dating website or app. This is where it hits the wall, I think the guy is perfectly, but then fine out he is not fine at all.

My longest relationship was 3 years, and this guy was fine or so I thought, but as it turned out, he dealt with BiPolar disorder, and that was the only issue with him, besides him and I fighting on and off, verbally never physically.

Next relationship was 1 year, and same thing, I thought this guy was fine, but he sure was not fine, not at all. It turned out, this guy, was dealing with a lot of issues, from ADD, ADHD, Social Anxiety, Anxiety, Social Phobia, PTSD, Depression, Self Esteem issues, trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy issues, Insecurity issues, and was abused in his last relationship. He had to deal with his ex, physically, and verbally abusing him, and she cheated on him as well. Plus she was a narcissist. So he told me, when I found him on the dating website, that he was ready to date, he didn't have any issues or baggage whatsoever. Was I wrong.

Things were fine at the start, then everything fell a part, and everything came out. All of these issues, plus his fear of his ex and comparing me to his ex, thinking I was going to cheat on him, when I never did, and never was going to do so. But he kept thinking the same things he faced with his ex, were going to happen again. And then all the other issues he's dealt with on top of worrying about his ex. It was a lot to take in, and deal with, during that 1 year period. But in the end him and I did not work, because him and I would fight like every single day, and it just wasn't going to work out, so well as we had wanted it too so we cut ties.

Now 4 months have gone by, and I have been on the dating websites and apps again, and been dating this new guy for 1 month now, and things were fine again at the start of it all. But again, everything soon came out at once, and it wasn't pretty. This new guy, he ends up telling me, how he never really knows what to do, as far as us going out on dates, then he says oh I like you, but I'm not into anything that you like. We don't have anything in common, I like having you with me, but I never know what to do when we are together.Then he says he doesn't know if he wants to still date me or not.

But then it all comes out, he ends up saying how he doesn't know how to date, because it's been a long time since he has dated. His last relationship ended almost 2 years ago, he was with her for almost 5 years, lived her with for 3 years, and has been on the dating scene for about 1 year. He hasn't been so active on the dating scene, until recently, since he was broke when him and his ex, broke up, he had to get his life together, and now it is together, he own's his own place, car, has a job, etc. The reasoning why his ex and him broke things off, she cheated on him with a few guys, behind his back, and he never knew, until later and cut ties altogether after that.

It doesn't end there though, while he's another guy, that dealt with his ex cheating on him, there had to be a reason as to why she cheated right? Well he says, him and her did fight, so when she would get mad, because he wouldn't take her out, when she wanted him too, he wouldn't pay attention to her, and he would flirt with other girls, only because he thought she was cheating on him, and she thought he was cheating on her, it got out of hand, and he only flirted because it made him feel better about himself.

But it keeps going, as he then says how he suffers from depression, self esteem issues, trust issues, commitment issues, clingy issues so much so, it's driven girls away from him. That it ends up going back to him, saying how he doesn't know how to date, because it has been so long, it being what 2 years, that he has been single, and since he hasn't been very active in the dating pool, he doesn't have the skills to date again. He then says he doesn't like being alone, but he rather be alone because he knows how much of a jerk, failure, and not good enough he is to someone. He says he isn't happy with his life, he feels he has nothing to offer in a relationship but the obvious SEX.

Which he says he could only have so much sex, he is not a machine, and with this girl, him and her had sex quite a bit, like 5-10 times a day, and it's now been 2 years since he last had sex. I had told him he could have easily gotten sex if he wanted too, but he says no he can't because he's not good at talking to girls. He says when it comes to me, him and I have kissed, but he wants more, he wants sex, but he doesn't want to move too fast. He then says how he feels like he's forcing me to kiss him, but yet says how pretty I am, and I intimidate him. But he says every kiss is awkward, he doesn't feel like he's doing well with me. But it keeps going back and forth, going right back to him saying how I am pretty, sexy, why wouldn't he want to do stuff. He feels guilty about wanting to do things and have sex with me. But here's the thing, I am not having sex with him, because I am a Virgin and I am saving myself for marriage, end of story. That is my choice and I am sticking to it, because I want too.

So then he says how it's been 2 years, that he hasn't had sex, or done anything, and he just doesn't know how to make it happen anymore, or what to really do.

It then goes back to him and I dating one another, he says him and I don't have anything in common, he doesn't know what we will do on our dates, there's a lot of uncertainty about what we will do, ya know like go to the movies, go to a concert, whatever, he doesn't know what to do, or what to say. There's a lot of silence between us as well.

It goes on and on to how he's not very good at keeping to what he's suppose to do, how never replies to messages, text messages, social media messages, email messages, as he should, like he receives them but never responds to them right away. He rather ignore them, then address them when he is not lazy. He knows he is lazy, and that he plain out sucks at communication, and communicating in general.

He says he wants to date me, he just doesn't know how to date me. He doesn't feel confident when with me, he doesn't want to end it with me, he just isn't so sure on if he is good enough to keep up with it all. He isn't happy with his life, all he has to offer is as he says is sex, it isn't easy to be in a real relationship. He's panicked about everything and again doesn't know how to date. It so much different now, and that he's damaged from his previous relationship and this and that going on with his life. He can be confident but only sometimes. He is trying to get past his own shortcomings. He is just down about life, he feels he puts so much into his own life, but he never gets anywhere type of feeling. He says yes he works, own's home and car, and may be doing better than some, but he knows that he should be better than this, better that what he is currently doing.

So when it comes down to it all, why is it, that when it comes to all of these dating websites, and app's in today's society, that a lot of guys, and probably girls, that they go on these dating sources, with all of these issues, baggage, and drama, and not tell the person right off the bat, or bring all of this with them, and then drop it onto the person, it then messes with the person, they are dating's head and then they aren't so sure on if they should continue dating this individual or cut them loose.

What do you think of my situation? Should I give this guy a chance? Or should I run away while I still can. I just don't want a repeat of what my ex's put me through, and it seems like this guy, will do that same thing, by what he has told me, plus to me it feels as if, all he does is sex. But yet he says he doesn't care about sex. And he knows I am a Virgin, saving myself for marriage and is accepting of that. He too says he wants marriage.

But yet again he says him and I don't have anything in common, or any shared interests or much of anything, but yet he wants to date me, and does like me and this and that.

It is all so much to take in all at once, and I am so unsure on what to do about it all. What would you do?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

Over all of the years, I have been dating, I have always turned to the internet to date, and form the relationships I have had over the years. I have only been in 4 serious relationships, and 2 engagements. As of right now, I have been single for 4 months now, my recent break up happening this past summer in May 2016.

But here is where I have my issue, with the last few relationships I have been involved with, this is what I noticed, every time I find my Boyfriend through online dating, through a dating website or app. This is where it hits the wall, I think the guy is perfectly, but then fine out he is not fine at all.

My longest relationship was 3 years, and this guy was fine or so I thought, but as it turned out, he dealt with BiPolar disorder, and that was the only issue with him, besides him and I fighting on and off, verbally never physically.

Next relationship was 1 year, and same thing, I thought this guy was fine, but he sure was not fine, not at all. It turned out, this guy, was dealing with a lot of issues, from ADD, ADHD, Social Anxiety, Anxiety, Social Phobia, PTSD, Depression, Self Esteem issues, trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy issues, Insecurity issues, and was abused in his last relationship. He had to deal with his ex, physically, and verbally abusing him, and she cheated on him as well. Plus she was a narcissist. So he told me, when I found him on the dating website, that he was ready to date, he didn't have any issues or baggage whatsoever. Was I wrong.

Things were fine at the start, then everything fell a part, and everything came out. All of these issues, plus his fear of his ex and comparing me to his ex, thinking I was going to cheat on him, when I never did, and never was going to do so. But he kept thinking the same things he faced with his ex, were going to happen again. And then all the other issues he's dealt with on top of worrying about his ex. It was a lot to take in, and deal with, during that 1 year period. But in the end him and I did not work, because him and I would fight like every single day, and it just wasn't going to work out, so well as we had wanted it too so we cut ties.

Now 4 months have gone by, and I have been on the dating websites and apps again, and been dating this new guy for 1 month now, and things were fine again at the start of it all. But again, everything soon came out at once, and it wasn't pretty. This new guy, he ends up telling me, how he never really knows what to do, as far as us going out on dates, then he says oh I like you, but I'm not into anything that you like. We don't have anything in common, I like having you with me, but I never know what to do when we are together.Then he says he doesn't know if he wants to still date me or not.

But then it all comes out, he ends up saying how he doesn't know how to date, because it's been a long time since he has dated. His last relationship ended almost 2 years ago, he was with her for almost 5 years, lived her with for 3 years, and has been on the dating scene for about 1 year. He hasn't been so active on the dating scene, until recently, since he was broke when him and his ex, broke up, he had to get his life together, and now it is together, he own's his own place, car, has a job, etc. The reasoning why his ex and him broke things off, she cheated on him with a few guys, behind his back, and he never knew, until later and cut ties altogether after that.

It doesn't end there though, while he's another guy, that dealt with his ex cheating on him, there had to be a reason as to why she cheated right? Well he says, him and her did fight, so when she would get mad, because he wouldn't take her out, when she wanted him too, he wouldn't pay attention to her, and he would flirt with other girls, only because he thought she was cheating on him, and she thought he was cheating on her, it got out of hand, and he only flirted because it made him feel better about himself.

But it keeps going, as he then says how he suffers from depression, self esteem issues, trust issues, commitment issues, clingy issues so much so, it's driven girls away from him. That it ends up going back to him, saying how he doesn't know how to date, because it has been so long, it being what 2 years, that he has been single, and since he hasn't been very active in the dating pool, he doesn't have the skills to date again. He then says he doesn't like being alone, but he rather be alone because he knows how much of a jerk, failure, and not good enough he is to someone. He says he isn't happy with his life, he feels he has nothing to offer in a relationship but the obvious SEX.

Which he says he could only have so much sex, he is not a machine, and with this girl, him and her had sex quite a bit, like 5-10 times a day, and it's now been 2 years since he last had sex. I had told him he could have easily gotten sex if he wanted too, but he says no he can't because he's not good at talking to girls. He says when it comes to me, him and I have kissed, but he wants more, he wants sex, but he doesn't want to move too fast. He then says how he feels like he's forcing me to kiss him, but yet says how pretty I am, and I intimidate him. But he says every kiss is awkward, he doesn't feel like he's doing well with me. But it keeps going back and forth, going right back to him saying how I am pretty, sexy, why wouldn't he want to do stuff. He feels guilty about wanting to do things and have sex with me. But here's the thing, I am not having sex with him, because I am a Virgin and I am saving myself for marriage, end of story. That is my choice and I am sticking to it, because I want too.

So then he says how it's been 2 years, that he hasn't had sex, or done anything, and he just doesn't know how to make it happen anymore, or what to really do.

It then goes back to him and I dating one another, he says him and I don't have anything in common, he doesn't know what we will do on our dates, there's a lot of uncertainty about what we will do, ya know like go to the movies, go to a concert, whatever, he doesn't know what to do, or what to say. There's a lot of silence between us as well.

It goes on and on to how he's not very good at keeping to what he's suppose to do, how never replies to messages, text messages, social media messages, email messages, as he should, like he receives them but never responds to them right away. He rather ignore them, then address them when he is not lazy. He knows he is lazy, and that he plain out sucks at communication, and communicating in general.

He says he wants to date me, he just doesn't know how to date me. He doesn't feel confident when with me, he doesn't want to end it with me, he just isn't so sure on if he is good enough to keep up with it all. He isn't happy with his life, all he has to offer is as he says is sex, it isn't easy to be in a real relationship. He's panicked about everything and again doesn't know how to date. It so much different now, and that he's damaged from his previous relationship and this and that going on with his life. He can be confident but only sometimes. He is trying to get past his own shortcomings. He is just down about life, he feels he puts so much into his own life, but he never gets anywhere type of feeling. He says yes he works, own's home and car, and may be doing better than some, but he knows that he should be better than this, better that what he is currently doing.

So when it comes down to it all, why is it, that when it comes to all of these dating websites, and app's in today's society, that a lot of guys, and probably girls, that they go on these dating sources, with all of these issues, baggage, and drama, and not tell the person right off the bat, or bring all of this with them, and then drop it onto the person, it then messes with the person, they are dating's head and then they aren't so sure on if they should continue dating this individual or cut them loose.

What do you think of my situation? Should I give this guy a chance? Or should I run away while I still can. I just don't want a repeat of what my ex's put me through, and it seems like this guy, will do that same thing, by what he has told me, plus to me it feels as if, all he does is sex. But yet he says he doesn't care about sex. And he knows I am a Virgin, saving myself for marriage and is accepting of that. He too says he wants marriage.

But yet again he says him and I don't have anything in common, or any shared interests or much of anything, but yet he wants to date me, and does like me and this and that.

It is all so much to take in all at once, and I am so unsure on what to do about it all. What would you do?

Since virginity is such a common issue on these message boards, I think PsychCentral should create a virginity board where people who are virgins and people who want to talk about virginity can get together to discuss virginity and sex.

In the meantime, I suggest you stop talking about such intimate matters with men you don't really know, until you find out what their psychological issues are. Some of these people you are meeting over the internet could be dangerous. Further more, a lot (I emphasize, many, many...a lot) of guys say they have "intimacy issues, commitment issues, trust issues, etc." when what they often mean is they don't want to get married or be in a committed relationship, but they'll take any sex you'll toss their way--oh, and they don't want the woman to have sex with other men (unless that is their thing) but they reserve the right to do it with anyone who comes along. Another thing men (and women--just about anything men do, women do--not trying to be sexist) do is claim their ex was cheating. Sometimes they claim their ex was (or became) homosexual--gay or lesbian. The truth might be closer to the person just lost interest in them and looked farther afield. I'd ditch the damaged internet guy and find a nice wholesome employed man in your own community whose background you can learn through a series of casual dates in public without a lot of sex talk. I hope this helps.

[stolemyheart87]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Since virginity is such a common issue on these message boards, I think PsychCentral should create a virginity board where people who are virgins and people who want to talk about virginity can get together to discuss virginity and sex.

In the meantime, I suggest you stop talking about such intimate matters with men you don't really know, until you find out what their psychological issues are. Some of these people you are meeting over the internet could be dangerous. Further more, a lot (I emphasize, many, many...a lot) of guys say they have "intimacy issues, commitment issues, trust issues, etc." when what they often mean is they don't want to get married or be in a committed relationship, but they'll take any sex you'll toss their way--oh, and they don't want the woman to have sex with other men (unless that is their thing) but they reserve the right to do it with anyone who comes along. Another thing men (and women--just about anything men do, women do--not trying to be sexist) do is claim their ex was cheating. Sometimes they claim their ex was (or became) homosexual--gay or lesbian. The truth might be closer to the person just lost interest in them and looked farther afield. I'd ditch the damaged internet guy and find a nice wholesome employed man in your own community whose background you can learn through a series of casual dates in public without a lot of sex talk. I hope this helps.

But that's the thing, I have always turned to online dating website's and apps to date people, and it seems everytime I find a guy, this sort of thing happens. How can I find a guy that isn't crazy, and doesn't care for sex? I have tried the religion approach and that doesn't work either.

[Trippin2.0]

Wait a minute....


You ditched your ex who was perfect in every way except he has bipolar disorder?


I hope you mean he wasn't looking after himself and his symptoms became unbearable for both of you and your relationship, otherwise you're just verbalizing plain old stigma on a mental health website.


Which needless to say is a huge no no.


I have bipolar btw, I would feel offended and alot of other things if my bf left me just because I have it.


Ditch this "I can't really date idk how, but I'm really good at sex" guy...


If you have nothing in common and zero shared interests, there's nothing to build a relationship on.


It's an exercise in futility.


Since online dating has clearly not worked for you. Try the old school offline approach.


Get out there and meet new people face to face. Network the good old fashioned way.

[stolemyheart87]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Wait a minute....


You ditched your ex who was perfect in every way except he has bipolar disorder?


I hope you mean he wasn't looking after himself and his symptoms became unbearable for both of you and your relationship, otherwise you're just verbalizing plain old stigma on a mental health website.


Which needless to say is a huge no no.


I have bipolar btw, I would feel offended and alot of other things if my bf left me just because I have it.


Ditch this "I can't really date idk how, but I'm really good at sex" guy...


If you have nothing in common and zero shared interests, there's nothing to build a relationship on.


It's an exercise in futility.


Since online dating has clearly not worked for you. Try the old school offline approach.


Get out there and meet new people face to face. Network the good old fashioned way.

No me and my ex that was BiPolar broke up due to other reasons. As far as this new guy, that doesn't know how to date, and says we don't have any shared interests or things in common, I think him and I do.

We both like movies, TV shows, similar music, going out to concerts, museums, etc. He just isn't sure on what to do, because it's been so long for him I guess, is what he is trying to say.

[stolemyheart87]

My bipolar ex and I broke up for different reasoning.

Him and I do have things in common, and him and I are going to keep dating and just take things slow, and help each other out along the way.

[~Christina]

So, you want to keep talking to a guy that basically has a neon sign over his head saying " I only want sex" and your a virgin and want to stay a virgin until marriage?

No offense meant .... but what do you bring to the table ? Everyone had baggage and issues, you don't have to answer that, just food for thought.

You mentioned your had previous relationships and engaged twice.... Were they all mutual breakups ?

My advice is don't talk sex stuff with someone until you actually get to know them and you both see a future together. Hell? You might hit date #3 and find out he has horrible table manners or something.

Myself I would stop looking for a partner online, doesnt seem to be working for you. Why not join some groups or volunteer , that would allow you to find other people in person... just get to know them ....not actively look for a dateable guy.

Welcome to PC

[stolemyheart87]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

So, you want to keep talking to a guy that basically has a neon sign over his head saying " I only want sex" and your a virgin and want to stay a virgin until marriage?

No offense meant .... but what do you bring to the table ? Everyone had baggage and issues, you don't have to answer that, just food for thought.

You mentioned your had previous relationships and engaged twice.... Were they all mutual breakups ?

My advice is don't talk sex stuff with someone until you actually get to know them and you both see a future together. Hell? You might hit date #3 and find out he has horrible table manners or something.

Myself I would stop looking for a partner online, doesnt seem to be working for you. Why not join some groups or volunteer , that would allow you to find other people in person... just get to know them ....not actively look for a dateable guy.

Welcome to PC

Him and I have talked and he knows I am a virgin, saving myself for marriage and he is fine with this and is willing to wait it out. So him not having sex is ok because is is ok with me waiting until marriage.

As far as him and I dating and talking, we are still going to do both and see where it goes. If him and I do not work out, then I will try other ways to date guys.

[Trippin2.0]

You seem to have missed a pertinent point Chris was making...


If he's saying what you're telling us he's saying, as often as it seems his saying it...


Then sadly and obviously he wants to get in your panties and is not interested in waiting to marry you for it.


If that were not the case, he would not be droning on about his lack of sex, how that's all he has to offer in a relationship, and how good he is at it.


He's hoping to swipe your V card, its crystal clear.

[stolemyheart87]

He told me this "We already discussed that. If I only wanted you for sex, it would be over when you told me that you are waiting for marriage."

So no he doesn't just want sex from me, and to take my V card away. I have told every guy I have been in a relationship with and dated, that I am saving myself for marriage, and told them if they CANNOT wait it out, then move on. But they did stick around for a while before things lead to us breaking up, on other matters not the sex issue.

[StuckinRut]

It seems that a pattern is repeating itself with regards to the kinds of people that your dating online. I've noticed the same (albeit a different pattern, to yours) in my relationships. It might be partly attributable to the signals that you give off, possibly unconsciously.

Regarding this particular guy, I think that in some respects he is trying to be honest with you, about his issues. Or perhaps, by explaining how he feels, he's hoping to be able to understand his own feelings. He sounds very conflicted. However I agree with other posters; this relationship is unlikely to work out, also he's probably raising the topic of sex because he wants to try to persuade you to give him your virginity. Him believing that you have nothing in common is a very bad sign in my view; even if you believe it to be untrue.

[stolemyheart87]

I know he has his own issues, but him and I are going to talk things out and try to communicate more and maybe even hang out more but who knows due to his schedule at work and all that stuff. We plan to go on our 4th date this weekend.