[beanbag55]

Hi everyone.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years, and I would say he is the love of my life.

For the most part, our relationship has been wonderful - we connect on so many levels, have lots of similar interests, have great sexual chemistry and overall really enjoy our time spent together.

However, for the remainder there have been lots of arguments, stress and tension from both sides. He is a very emotionally closed-off person, whereas I am the complete opposite. He has a hard time processing and talking about how he feels.

We have probably broken up 2 times before, but always ended up back together.

However, very recently he has been very distant from me. He would not respond to my communications or would avoid meeting with me. I kept telling him it was hurting me and he agreed he would stop but he never did. In the last week I was super stressed over the death of a family member and he just wasn't there for me.

I decided to meet him to talk and work out what the hell had happened between us. He told me that he felt like he had drifted from me and that it felt right to break up - even though he still finds me attractive, thinks I'm a great person and cares about me. This broke my heart. Furthermore, he said for the past week he has been talking to some girl at work and there is some chemistry there - so for the past week he had basically been ignoring me and probably talking to her, which would've made him feel more 'happy' speaking to her because the thrill of a new person etc. would've been nice compared to how stressed he felt with me. I told him that we had been together for so long and we both know we are special to each other, and he should want to try and fix things but he said it doesn't feel right.

I have done so, so much for him, he probably wouldn't even have a job if it wasn't for me. I don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't want me, but the thing is that he doesn't know. I just think speaking to this girl especially has worsened his feelings because a 'relationship' with her probably seems more appealing as it is 'new' and 'stress-free', and I feel like he is running away from his issues by breaking up with me because in order to maintain a relationship with me he needs to be open and change himself. I am just worried to death that he is going to drift from me further and like this other girl, even if me and him are 'meant to be'. I want to convince him to at least go on a break with me so he can think about our relationship more objectively but I don't think he will do it.

Any advice?

[Bill3]

I feel like he is running away from his issues by breaking up with me because in order to maintain a relationship with me he needs to be open and change himself.

It is unwise imo to hope or expect that a partner will change in such a fundamental way in order to maintain a relationship. He is who he is.

I agree with Bill.

He needs to grow up. I don't mean that in an insulting way, but the point comes in life where you don't need the endorphin rush of flirting. Other things become more vital and sustaining for your soul...

[s4ndm4n2006]

this is not a first break up, telling me that there were probably on going problems that you aren't mentioning here, which is your prerogative but I only point this out for this reason, maybe this is the time to move on and let him go?

I cannot say whether or not he needs to grow up and/or mature, because I'm only seeing your interpretation of the break up, the relationship and his behavior. Assuming you're right on a lot of those things I would ask you, do you really want to keep doing this with him? If a lot of this is his doing, considering the break ups, perhaps he's not ready to commit anyway and it's time for you to find someone more mature and ready for those things.

If he's found someone else he's interested in, it's kind of a sign he's moving on and away from you and your second guessing his reasons, his motivations and whether or not its a mistake for him is only going to serve to make you more angry, resentful and miserable.

based on your comments about him I'd say you can probably do better anyway! Enjoy yourself as a single for a bit and find yourself. I guarantee you'll be much happier and when someone comes along you're probably going to be in a better place to decide if you want to have a relationship with them.

[seesaw]

It sounds like whatever you thought you had is already gone. You can't force someone to stay with you if they don't want to. And you don't want to negotiate a relationship or try and convince someone you are worthy of their love.

I think it's time for you to move on.

Good luck,
Seesaw

[Crazy Hitch]

He's been speaking to her for a week, and she's a threat to your relationship. I'm not sure how much this can be fixed.

I think it's time to let this one go. Don't worry about your future with him worry about your future with you. (((Hugs)))

[Rose76]

It might be time to cut your loeses. The investment of a year and a half doesn't mean you are meant to be. That's about how long it takes to get to know someone and to find out if there is mutual desire for further commitment. Basically, he's telling you he's not feeling it. You might find a way to hang on to him . . . but at what cost? Probably would keep you in perpetual anxiety.

[l00king4answers79]

sounds exactly like my ex. It sounds cliche but just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be. There's only so far you can get with someone who's emotionally closed off.

[Rose76]

[QUOTE=l00king4answers79;5362489] just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be.
[\QUOTE]

Failing to understand that has largely governed my life . . . . and it's a fountainhead of endless sorrow.

[divine1966]

A year and a half with someone is not much in a long run. You can't change people. Also if he doesn't want to be with you, then there is really nothing you can do. He said it doesn't feel right. You can't force him to be with you. Grieve and move on

[Gaj1983]

In every relationship I've had, there's been what I think of as a "crisis point". That's the point where the relationship has been established for a while and everything has become comfortable (out of the honeymoon phase), then "life" happens. Like losing a family member, or deciding on moving in together, or something that causes tension in the relationship. This is when you see whether your partner is someone who will work through problems with you, or whether they will just look around for someone new and "stress free".

It sounds like he's decided to go the easier (in the short term) rout. He's going to run into the same thing with this new one at some point, and he may even, a year or so down the road want to come back, or he may just go on to someone else new.

Either way, this is not someone you want to be allied with. Any time something goes wrong, he'll be looking for a way out.

I know how painful that is, but it is NOT a reflection on you. It's a reflection on his own commitment issues.

We are here for you, as your friends and family are. You don't have to go through this alone.

Sending you hugs.

[divine1966]

if people don't want to be with us it doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong with them or with us. Sometimes people just want out. And sometimes people are just bad match.