[fosterthehuman]

i have major depression, anxiety, add, social anxiety. i've recently realized how difficult it's been on my bf. cause i've snapped at him before, given him attitude, i've done this with my parents before too. or i've asked for specific requests, like i'll say that i'll just stay in the car instead of going to into the store with him. i ask to stay in the room while he brings dinner for me so i won't have to go outside his room and socialize cause sometimes it makes me anxious. this week ik i've been really crabby with him, and though ik i'm on my period, it's not an excuse. i'm starting to realize that i don't deserve having a bf or having any friends if i decide to act like this. my bf has anger issues himself and will get upset at me if i do something wrong (usually he calls me names, insults me, he's hit me before once, pushed me a couple of times, grabbed me cause we would get into arguments and he'll tell me to shutup but i'll want to solve stuff and keep talking. cause of his rage and i think i'm the one who makes it worse. i realized that he's abusive and people have told me before, but i also think that i've neglected him and have been mean to him as well. so this is partly my fault and our issues or a lot my fault. i've been making efforts to work on my mental issues cause they've been getting quite worse (i'm joining a support group and made an appointment with a new therapist) i've also told my bf about my new steps in changing myself and that I apologize for the way i've been acting. i told him that he doesn't deserve that and that's not fair to him.he's told me that i've pushed him away before, made him feel like ****, he says that alot of times i don't listen to him. i've told him in the past that i never would do those things on purpose but it's cause of my mental issues. but i don't want to blame it on that anymore.

basically i realize that we both have issues to work on. but today, i told him that i feel like it's not fair that he wants me to work on my issues, but he hasn't been working on his. cause i asked him if he's going back to counseling about his anger and he hasn't.

also, i just read this article online that said that just cause you have mental illnesses, doesn't mean you get to be rude so i'm trying to change how i act. if anyone has advice that would help

[avlady]

it is not your fault, you should seek the couples counseling if you feel he would go too. I am a firm believer that my periods caused alot of my problems and it got so bad i had to have an operation to stop them, after the operation i felt i never knew how good some women have it.good luck!

Sound like your taking some steps toward addressing your important mental issues. That's good! We can encourage others to do the same and sometimes that can help them. However, if, in their heart, they don't want to change or are unable to admit they have a problem, they won't change. I encourage you to keep working on your own issues. As you learn and heal, I hope realize that you deserve to be with someone who treats you right. You said your bf hit you once before. I there is any chance at all it could happen again, you really need to stay away from him! Warm hugs! --Myst

Well I'm going to throw this out there. You mentioned behavior like ordering him to fetch you dinner amongst other situations. Is it possible the harshness is from both sides then? I really like the fact however you are working on your self. You also have to take care of your needs. For this to work he needs to do the same. All the best!

[fosterthehuman]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well I'm going to throw this out there. You mentioned behavior like ordering him to fetch you dinner amongst other situations. Is it possible the harshness is from both sides then? I really like the fact however you are working on your self. You also have to take care of your needs. For this to work he needs to do the same. All the best!

i don't order him to get me dinner. he usually offers it to me. and he'll notice that i'm anxious and then that when he offers to bring me my food to the room, or sometimes i've asked him to do it. but i never order him :/ and i said i only did that cause it makes me feel anxious. and i realize that the harshness is from both sides, ik that it's both of us.

[fosterthehuman]

Originally Posted by avlady

it is not your fault, you should seek the couples counseling if you feel he would go too. I am a firm believer that my periods caused alot of my problems and it got so bad i had to have an operation to stop them, after the operation i felt i never knew how good some women have it.good luck!

but isn't it my fault partly cause of the way i acted? i just want to know that he isn't the only one to blame, and i want to know if i'm doing something wrong

[Bill3]

Accepting dinner in your room is what is known as a "safety behavior". A safety behavior is done specifically to avoid anxiety or anxiety-producing situations, not because you actually want to do it.

By using safety behaviors to avoid anxiety and the situations that causes it or makes it worse, you are preventing yourself from facing and overcoming the anxiety.

Therefore, my advice is to prepare what is called an "anxiety ladder". First, list maybe ten activities that you would like to do but are not doing at all, or not doing enough, because of anxiety. Second, rank them from most difficult/anxiety provoking to least difficult/anxiety provoking. Third, start doing every day, as often as you can, the two or three items that are at the bottom of the list. Fourth, as those items start to feel relatively easy to do, and not so anxiety-provoking, move up the ladder and start taking on the next task on the ladder.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by fosterthehuman

but isn't it my fault partly cause of the way i acted? i just want to know that he isn't the only one to blame, and i want to know if i'm doing something wrong

Abuse is never the victim's fault.


Ever

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by fosterthehuman

but isn't it my fault partly cause of the way i acted? i just want to know that he isn't the only one to blame, and i want to know if i'm doing something wrong

You have the right to stay in the car and not go into the store.
You have the right to be a bit crabby if you are under the weather.

I'm not clear about the part of not listening to him? Is it because he didn't catch your attention and your focus was elsewhere? What type of things are you not listening to?

I also find discomfort reading about your apologizing for various things. To me, it's a flag, only because of my experience in my marriage where an apology was soothing and enabling his poor choices in behavior. "If only I hadn't done x-y-z, then he wouldn't be so raging angry" and I found myself apologizing for things that didn't warrant an apology. And xyz could be having worn makeup and him noticing some guy looking at me. Or because I didn't answer the phone on the first ring. Or because I was caught in traffic. That's why I ask.

Why apologize for being human?

[fosterthehuman]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You have the right to stay in the car and not go into the store.
You have the right to be a bit crabby if you are under the weather.

I'm not clear about the part of not listening to him? Is it because he didn't catch your attention and your focus was elsewhere? What type of things are you not listening to?

I also find discomfort reading about your apologizing for various things. To me, it's a flag, only because of my experience in my marriage where an apology was soothing and enabling his poor choices in behavior. "If only I hadn't done x-y-z, then he wouldn't be so raging angry" and I found myself apologizing for things that didn't warrant an apology. And xyz could be having worn makeup and him noticing some guy looking at me. Or because I didn't answer the phone on the first ring. Or because I was caught in traffic. That's why I ask.

Why apologize for being human?

well i do agree with you, there are times where i'm confused to why i should apoligize, but in my head i usually think that i had to do something wrong for someone to be upset at me. i have a really low self esteem. there's been plenty of times in our relationship where i felt like i didn't do anythibg wrong, and he would eventually apoligize to me and say that i didn't do anything, he was just being mad. a few weeks ago, i was addressing how when these situations happen, they're very confusing cause i'll ask him what he wants me to do to change or how i can make him not upset and i've gottwn super angry about it, we've screamed and cussed and shouted at each other, and he's said that he's aware of it and says that he's an asshole and i shouldn't be with him cause he's not gonna let me win, meaning that he's always gonna try to be right. he said he acts like a jerk to me and mentioned he was heartbroken previously and that he didn't always act like this.