I'd like to ask what some of you'd do in this situation.

First of all, I love my boyfriend and want what's best for him, but I also love myself (or am at least trying to) and want what's best for me as well. So, I'm trying to find the right compromise on this situation. Or at least understand it a bit better.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation about my unmet needs. I tried to be as calm and understanding as possible. I mentioned how him and I have discussed it in the past, but no change has happened, so I have to figure out how to cope with what will be lacking in my wants. I mentioned that if I don't make a change to feel more secure, our relationship might be on the line. He started crying, which was unusual for him, and was very supportive, and mentioned how much he wants us to be together.

I was surprised by that, and was happy that he was so happy with me.

However, the next day, I felt the tug of needing him again. He and I had very little conversation. We did some sexual stuff together and cuddled a bit, then he left and continued to spend time alone. The thing is, I love him very much and want to spend a lot of my time with him. I'm okay with holding this feeling back since he and I need separate lives as well, and I know he'll be around to spend time with later. However, what should I make of this? He went back to spending a lot of time alone. I feel like it's probably my problem and that I'm being too clingy, so I've backed off from asking him to spend time with me a lot. I've been reading books on codependency, since the environment I grew up in and my temperament seem to indicate that learning to deal with its symptoms could help.

Has anyone gone through this? If your loved one did this, what would you do or change to cope?

[Bill3]

When you speak of him having time alone, i imagine that you are speaking of him being alone in his room with the door shut. About what percentage of your time together is he doing that?

Do you two sleep in the same room?

It sounds like you blame yourself for being clingy, and in fact your main focus seems to be on how you need to change. I myself think it would be very hurtful if a partner is routinely behind closed doors.

There is an alternative to blaming yourself for having natural human needs; there is an alternative to hurting and learning to cope with those painful, unmet needs. That alternative is to try to find someone who is willing and able to meet those needs.

Breezy-Day, you are human and it is okay to have human needs for connection and affection and just plain help atound the house. It is okay to hurt if those needs are not met. It is okay to feel hurt that your partner shuts you out. It is okay to ask for change. And it would be okay to leave if you cannot get your needs met by your current partner.

(((((Breezy-Day)))))

[divine1966]

Breezy I would certainly not blame you here. Shut doors (not for prolonged time) are acceptable when the other person needs to sleep or perhaps work project that needs to be in a quiet room. Why is he shutting doors? I personally think he is likely watching porn or perhaps spends times in chat rooms. I doubt he shuts doors so he can read Shakespeare in peace. I am the person who needs space here and there, but I don't think I ever shut doors unless I was sick and needed to take a nap. The way you feel is normal. Listen, you deserve better. Sending you hugs.

Thank you two very much. I feel a lot better, and not as guilty now.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm being fair or not.

I made a big deal about it (although we didn't fight or anything), so he seems aware that our relationship might end soon, as sad as it is.

I feel really bad about ending the relationship, though. I think I worry that I won't find someone better. Despite his faults, I don't think he's a bad person.

I mean, it's really hard to find someone these days who'll love you and respect you.

But, I'm not afraid to break up. I couldn't go on with this for the next 20 years.

My boyfriend says he's happy, and I'm glad he is and would feel bad that ending the relationship would take that away from him. I also feel sad that he can be happy while I'm not.

About what he does in his room, as far as I can tell, he chats to people and friends online. Chat rooms is definitely one of those things. I strangely wouldn't feel too bad if he watched porn, but I'm worried that he's getting his shut-off emotional needs from someone else. I don't want to be only the physical girlfriend... The one he showcases to friends and family.

I'm also worried that this concern and time spent working on our relationship is taking away from my feeling of peace and livelihood. I just don't go out and have fun anymore.

Oh, yes, we do sleep together. But sometimes he's up in his room (his private room) so much that we might not fall asleep together too often, which I found okay overall.

I can understand why he keeps his door closed and spends time alone when he's working. It's just that he does it so much that I do get hurt and start to feel unloved, especially since I know he's not always working on stuff but just wants to keep me away.

Yeah, he keeps his door closed. I started doing that too, since I felt so uncomfortable with his door closed that I felt that I needed to close mine, especially when I hear him talking or laughing with his friends occasionally. I'd feel bad overhearing their conversations, so that's another reason I end up closing my door. Maybe for the next week while deciding if we could remain together, I should try keeping my door open again.

I understand that there's nothing outright wrong with what he's doing, but maybe he's just not for me. If he really needs that much time behind closed doors to be happy, than I should probably not stay with him, for his and my sake. For his sake because he'd have an unhappy girlfriend who doesn't like him for how he naturally is...

[divine1966]

Most certainly you will find better. I don't know if he loves you but certainly has no respect for you. Certainly his needs are met in chat rooms. Likely with women and not just friends. Of course he is happy because honestly no other women would allow such nonsense and he knows it. He simply won't find another girlfriend like this. He knows this crap won't be tolerated by other women. Get your life back breezy. This just sucks

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

I also feel sad that he can be happy while I'm not.

I'm also worried that this concern and time spent working on our relationship is taking away from my feeling of peace and livelihood.

I should probably not stay with him, for his and my sake. For his sake because he'd have an unhappy girlfriend who doesn't like him for how he naturally is...

Sending ((((Gentle Hugs))))

Know that feeling :\

Ah, it's a rollercoaster. But I hope it'll smooth out in the end... It's just stressful. I hope to give an update here later on how it's going.