[Yismymindblank12]

So the move went great, my life is getting easier to manage. I've finally made great strides on my own mental health. I unfortunately cannot make relationships work for me. I don't know where to talk about this, but I found out I'm Aromantic. I don't know exactly where I fit on the spectrum, but let me explain this thoroughly.

Aromantic people, are the equivalent of asexual people, but with romantic feelings towards another person.

I don't correlate with some small things, but that's all apart me finding where I fit in the spectrum.

So I just found out from a friend who told me that it's a real orientation of people, who just experience since ever they can't feel or are repulsed by either reciprocating it romantic feelings from someone else or they cannot experience those feelings themselves about anyone or rarely do.

I know this isn't a picture perfect description, but here it goes.

I realized I made huge mistakes in relationships, I went in thinking I love them, but I always thought I never understood love. I thought romantic love was kinda not real, since I was a kid, I was always ewww girls are gross, kissing is gross, and don't think people romantically. Well I never grew out of it, as an adult instead of it being a place of where I was young and immature.

It's always been a strong placeholder that if someone wants something to give me being affectionate. I'll accept it, but I won't really take it well. I don't feel it, so the other person feels so distant from me. My partner at those times will feel they are not feeling loved enough by me, because I don't do that. It's not that I'm uncomfortable sometimes I am, but most of the time I don't feel or understand what I'm supposed to feel or do about it.

It's like literally being blind about those good lovey dovey feelings for someone.

I have crushes, fair mind you, but they don't last that long. I've made plenty of posts in the past. I didn't know all this time it was a thing.

That when I think of love most things I've read about aromantics that hit me on the head was that love doesn't mean romance to us it means usually we seek close bonds and friendships that give us the same satisfaction.

A lot of times people confuse this with asexuality, because sometimes they go hand in hand, but I definitely know I'm not asexual by any means.

That's normal, I'm whatever they call aromantic who are still feeling sexual feelings, but it's nothing more than platonic and short lived sexual excitement.

It makes perfect sense, because sex I don't feel those connection bond feelings it gets boring very fast.

If someone says they love me or try to expect me to react similar I do get very uncomfortable every time. I feel very much out of touch from everyone who experiences this.

So I honestly don't know how I would be in a relationship. I know another definition of aromantics they don't desire relationships. Like I do and I don't,

I do want to be close to someone, but not in the sense of a relationship classically per say, I feel I reciprocate and give other types of love that aren't romantic a lot easier. So if I was to maintain a healthy relationship, the other person has to realize I'm not like them and that I have to do things differently all I want to be is accepted that way for who I am.

I know I have not made a post in awhile. I honestly don't like posting here. I only making this once, but wanted to keep an update.

[Yismymindblank12]

But honestly it doesn't make me feel better it more affirms how I damaged so many relationships and hurt friends for it.

I can't live with myself, I'll have to accept to move forward, but it's like being told you're going to suck much harder at natural things in life that most people struggle with but you'll have it harder than them.

Like I feel unloved because I feel I can't be accepted I'm a freak and people treated me that way because I never understood. I thought I was supposed to I have feelings and that I was supposed to do things accordingly to build anything with friends and people I rarely admire. It always ends me destroying it to shreds because how distant I am and being told it's a trait I'm supposed to live with makes me feel like ****. I just refuse to accept it I just want to be normal and have feelings not some lifeless tornado that sucks up the life of people because I'm not as affectionate or show my gratitude alot.

That part of the human experience has never been my experience so it's why I talked about self medicating just to feel something. I am getting a therapist. I'm taking my life by the reigns, but I have no direction again so yeah....