Hi

I recently quit another forum because I had fallen in love with a man who is a member there (we met up and everything, was not complete fantasy and we were intimate on two occasions but did not have sex). I knew I had to leave as I was too sensitive to his reactions to my posts, and if he liked one where someone was criticising me that was enough to set me off on a downer. Now if I ever look at what's going on on that forum (I know I shouldn't) I just get upset when I see his posts. Prior to me leaving we fell out and haven't spoken since, which I find heartbreaking. All this over a few posts! I think he is probably relieved I have gone and left him alone. I think he just saw me as a nuisance.

The worst thing is I had kind of been seeing someone else and prior to us falling out the guy I'm in love with said he was happy for me. But I've had to end it and feel pretty guilty as I know this guy is quite into me, but I still pine for the forum guy. Me and the new guy were intimate last night and I then went to sleep and dreamt of the forum guy, which I think was a wake up call to me ending it with the new guy today. I feel awful that I'd just been with the guy and dreamt about someone else.

My question is how do you move on from someone who you love and miss desperately but is ignoring you? He lives hundreds of miles away which you would think would help but it hasn't. I sacrificed a nice guy for him and have decided to stay single as I can't get over it. What's worse is that I think he hates me. It's making me really depressed and I don't know what to do other than eat sugary foods and drink alcohol.

Hello, silliebillie.



Sincerely,

Rainy

[healingme4me]

Hi and welcome to PC

I would think that a dream is the subconscious way of resolving things so that you can move forward. Was there something other than the dream that brought a halt to your new relationship?

Sorry to read it's such a difficult time for you. And I'm sure you're aware of the catch 22 of too much sugar and alcohol, but I'll mention that it can wreak havoc with emotions.

After your 5th post, you'll be released from moderated posts and posting becomes real time. Hope you explore the forums and find the support that you need.




"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Originally Posted by sillybillie

I think he is probably relieved I have gone and left him alone. I think he just saw me as a nuisance.

My question is how do you move on from someone who you love and miss desperately but is ignoring you? He lives hundreds of miles away which you would think would help but it hasn't. I sacrificed a nice guy for him and have decided to stay single as I can't get over it. What's worse is that I think he hates me. It's making me really depressed and I don't know what to do other than eat sugary foods and drink alcohol.

Time and absolute acceptance that it's permanently over between the two of you. You stated that he likely was relieved you left the forum and saw you as a nuisance. This guy has no desire to be with you, unfortunately. You seem to accept that which is good. That's half the battle.

The rest is grieving (being sad it didn't work out) and the passage of time. It will take awhile.

It's normal to have dreams of him. If you find someone you are interested in, get to know them. The dreams aren't reality. Good luck.

[divine1966]

Dreams are subconscious. I certainly wouldn't break up over my dreams. We all dreams weird dreams. I hope you find other coping mechanisms instead of alcohol. Good luck

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Originally Posted by healingme4me

Hi and welcome to PC

I would think that a dream is the subconscious way of resolving things so that you can move forward. Was there something other than the dream that brought a halt to your new relationship?

Sorry to read it's such a difficult time for you. And I'm sure you're aware of the catch 22 of too much sugar and alcohol, but I'll mention that it can wreak havoc with emotions.

In the dream we were together and he came to visit me where I lived, which he would never do even if he was interested as he hates travelling. He lives hundreds of miles away. So I don't think I have resolved things in my mind. But it helps talking to people here about it, as he isn't on this forum and he won't be reading it.

I know sugar and alcohol don't help. They do wreck your emotions. I always post things I wouldn't normally when I have drunk too much. The sugar only makes me feel good for a short while and then I'm back to where I was. It's a quick fix solution to everything.

Thanks for all your replies. And here's a hug back.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sounds too soon for intimate relationships. Probably a good thing, for you , that you stepped away from the nice guy. Sounds like the forum guy isn't worth your heartache. People can be many personas online. Seems you have just recently started to find out who the real him is.

Well the forum guy got back to me and we are talking now. But I still have to get over it, regardless of whether he is speaking to me or not. I wish that things were different but a proper relationship won't be happening until I am. xx

[s4ndm4n2006]

I would probably resist even talking to him. it's only going to complicate your path to being over everything and healing. I think that you should address some of the issues that you have left unsaid here. That you cope with depression using eating and alcohol says quite a bit to the fact that you should probably address those things before you get into any relationships.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by sillybillie

Well the forum guy got back to me and we are talking now. But I still have to get over it, regardless of whether he is speaking to me or not. I wish that things were different but a proper relationship won't be happening until I am. xx

So you guys are back on? Please tread carefully as history repeats. If he treated you wrong once, it's more than likely to happen again. Keep us posted and welcome to PC

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No, we're not back on, we're just friends but I would like it to be more. He wouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him but I would miss him like crazy and yes that would lead to more binging. I at least need to find a better coping mechanism for all the hurt I am feeling and will feel if i don't talk to him. I don't know if I can stop talking to him. xx

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by sillybillie

No, we're not back on, we're just friends but I would like it to be more. He wouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him but I would miss him like crazy and yes that would lead to more binging. I at least need to find a better coping mechanism for all the hurt I am feeling and will feel if i don't talk to him. I don't know if I can stop talking to him. xx

If the romantic feelings aren't mutual, I'd say to stop talking to him until you can settle for just friends and no heart ache.

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Originally Posted by sillybillie

No, we're not back on, we're just friends but I would like it to be more. He wouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him but I would miss him like crazy and yes that would lead to more binging. I at least need to find a better coping mechanism for all the hurt I am feeling and will feel if i don't talk to him. I don't know if I can stop talking to him. xx

A therapist can help you learn new coping mechanisms. I can understand why you want to stay in contact. Why does he want to be friends now? You stated previously that he was relieved you'd left the forum and likely saw you as a nuisance. I don't understand.

[LeeeLeee]

I found this video immensely helpful because it encourages you in the direction of trying to make the connection between your unmet needs, that may have originated in childhood, and the ways one might be trying to for fill them through relationships with unavailable people.

I feel for you. I was stuck in that zone for quite a long time.

Big hugs and welcome to the forum! Keep coming back!

check out the YouTube channel called
Self Love U, check out the book "getting past your break up" by Susan Elliott

-Lele

Originally Posted by rainyday107

A therapist can help you learn new coping mechanisms. I can understand why you want to stay in contact. Why does he want to be friends now? You stated previously that he was relieved you'd left the forum and likely saw you as a nuisance. I don't understand.

I don't understand either, he knows how I feel about him or he should. I don't mention it now to avoid confrontation. He maybe isn't aware that I've broken up with the new guy as I haven't talked about it to him and he hasn't asked.

He actually said to me he enjoyed my posts on the forum I was on yesterday which he didn't need to. He seems to have forgotten about the posts we fell out over last week. It's not like he asked me to come back to the forum which he did on a previous occasion I left, because of him, so I think he's quite happy for me to be at arms length, which I am anyway, because he lives far away. I let him text me now because he got annoyed at me once for 'bombarding him with texts', which I wasn't by some people's standards. He said he needed his own space. I think he was annoyed at me and found me a nuisance then. Maybe he is just too nice to tell me to stop getting in touch, I don't know.. all I know for certain is he doesn't want a relationship, which he knows I do. But we had a long chat by text on the phone last night and I think it's because he would rather talk about intellectual stuff than romance, we ended up talking about the negative aspects of biomedical psychiatry. A couple of weeks ago I told him the new guy I was with would never be him and he avoided talking about it completely. Maybe he misses the chats we had on the forum? Maybe he isn't relieved I left? I don't know. I assume a lot, but then after he got annoyed at me for texting him too much I kind of feel like he doesn't want me around. Also he won't say much about what's going on in his own life, but ask him about something impersonal like the faults of psychiatry and he can talk for hours. I used to bring up coming down to see him, I don't now, because he ignores it when I say it. He likes me at arms length, I feel, and I don't want to be. That's the bottom line. But if I try to get beyond arms length he finds me annoying. He has never said we shouldn't communicate because I have feelings for him, he just ignores the issue. I am pretty sure I can't get over him unless I stay away though. I think people are right about me avoiding talking to him but maybe he wouldn't want that? It's very confusing. As I say I make assumptions so maybe he doesn't find me a nuisance.. as long as I'm hundreds of miles away and stick to talking about intellectual subjects..

Well I went back on that forum today and he worked out pretty quickly who I was. I used a different user name. Maybe I should have stayed away but I like that forum too.

Do you think I made a mistake going back?? It's probably the last thing I should have done if I want to get over him..

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by sillybillie

Well I went back on that forum today and he worked out pretty quickly who I was. I used a different user name. Maybe I should have stayed away but I like that forum too.

Do you think I made a mistake going back?? It's probably the last thing I should have done if I want to get over him..

Yea you probably shouldn't have done that. Might have put him off. I would really stay away until you are over him.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by sillybillie

Well I went back on that forum today and he worked out pretty quickly who I was. I used a different user name. Maybe I should have stayed away but I like that forum too.

Do you think I made a mistake going back?? It's probably the last thing I should have done if I want to get over him..

That depends. If you find benefit from being there and can circumnavigate being around him, it's not a mistake because you are taking care of you by involvement with your own likes and interests.
If this is about connecting with him and he's your motivation, then I would think it could affect your emotions.



"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

It's probably a bit of both. I have other friends there too. But I enjoy chatting to him. I missed him when he wasn't there. I suppose I'm just too weak to stop speaking to him. He is my addiction. I think I needed a fix..

I suppose I could block him. But I don't know if he would know I had done it. I wouldn't want him to. Can people tell you've blocked them on Facebook? He is my friend on there too.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by sillybillie

I suppose I could block him. But I don't know if he would know I had done it. I wouldn't want him to. Can people tell you've blocked them on Facebook? He is my friend on there too.

Yes, I can tell when my ex blocks / unblocks me on his FB account

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I can tell when I try to search for the person and they don't show up anymore

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We had chat last night by text. I know, it was stupid. But he guessed I was back on the forum and texted me to ask and it just went from there.

Apparently the nice guy still wants to be involved with me. I suppose it's ok as long as he realises it's casual. I told him last week a relationship wasn't good for me right now and I just wanted to be friends but to be fair I have said that before and we ended up in bed so he probably doesn't believe me. As long as he realises that it's just a friendship with added extras I am hoping it will be ok. But I have to tell him I can't keep stringing him along if he is hoping for any different. I suppose there's no harm in having fun with him but when I am sleeping with him and dreaming about the other guy that's not a good sign. I feel guilty about it. Do you think I should just cut the nice guy out completely or keep it as is? He knows about the forum guy and says some pretty horrible things about him. He's also racist and homophobic. He's my friend but is quite objectionable sometimes and still I end up sleeping with him. I wonder if maybe I am just lonely and as I can't have who I really want he is a pleasant distraction, at least some of the time when he's not criticising the forum guy or being ignorant. He says he gets very jealous of other men in a partner's life so I think I have to keep him at arms length.

I have just realised I have been calling him a nice guy. Yes he is most of the time but as I say he is a bit ignorant. Just to clarify. I have other friends who are like him and I just accept they are like that. I'm not sure I would like one as a life partner though.

[divine1966]

Honestly you need to be more selective who you associate with. None of these people sounds worth your energy.

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Unfortunately most people I know are racist and homophobic. But the forum guy is not. He just isn't interested in me. Maybe I am better off on my own for good.