[TishaBuv]

An update to my back/forth saga--

Since starting marriage therapy, some new developments have occurred.

I attended a class about mold, and realized that former leaks in my home probably left mold in the walls.

I am severely allergic to a lot of environmental things, including mold. Also there is toxic mold that can kill you.

So I went home and checked the old leak spots. Lo and behold, MOLD!

Now, I had already moved out of that house and was living alone in another place.

Our t said in our last session that he didn't like the idea of me having moved out.

So seeing as there is mold in our home, and it's best to repair our marriage, now my h and son have moved in to this place with me!

I wonder how much the mold could have played a role in bring out my crazy. Very interesting development.

[TishaBuv]

I'm back in the friggin house with mold, now exposed on the wall with a plastic bag taped over it. Back to miserable and depressed. Too sick to run anymore. There is no relationship repair. H is what he is. So am i.

[Trippin2.0]

((((((((((Tisha))))))))))


I so wish you didn't actually believe that you're stuck with your husband. You deserve happiness, you are worthy. Welcoming happiness into your life is probably the best gift you could ever give yourself.


Any one of us really.


But that starts with choice, and for some reason you have been unable or unwilling to choose you.


You're in my thoughts and prayers <3

So sorry about your current state. At times, I have felt depressed about my marriage as well. I love my spouse (in a 29 years of marriage kind of way) but if it changed, I wouldn't have the courage (or the finances) to leave him. So I do understand. The only solace I can provide is that we did promise to be there "till death do us part" (or is that a downer?) But I really do think about it that way. And I think about the things he has done for me and that I certainly have effected his life as much as he has effected mine. The truth is, your misery will be his misery to some extent. That's the way marriage works. I can only enjoy the good things fully if I really accept the things that did not turn out as I expected. But I do hope some more good things come your way.

[TishaBuv]

Today is Yom Kippor, the Jewish day of atonement. We blew it off, quit the temple. I'm so broken down physically and mentally.

Year after year we observed it, my h promising me that he would change and make me happy. Just lies.

He woke up this morning and we had a discussion where he admitted how his whole issue is that he has to be large and in charge at work and when he comes home he just wants to be passive and withdrawn, even when it comes to sex. This is simply just who he is, he admits.

I get it.

I said 'so i guess God put us together to make those great kids, but we are not compatible'. I said 'what would we do back in the 'old country'? Just despise each other and then die. Try to get along as friends and then die. People died a lot younger in those days.

Then he found a service online and prayed. He came in and said the same BS to me about how he is going to change, yada yada yada... same lies. I called him out on it.

Now he went back to sleep. Is that really atoning, when you go to sleep? He escaped his talk with God. Cop out. Phoney. A hole.

Took a vow of 'till death do us part' and hoping for death. Been feeling this way for so many years. Praying for something to happen to free me from this hell. Feeling too helpless to do it myself. Every time i've left, i've come back.

Why am i suffering in a hell of my own making?

Depression? MI? PD? Just a victim of circumstance? Learned helplessness?

I am a really great person. I make friends and lovers easily.

I need to find the strength to shut out the negativity somehow. Can i physically get away? Can i mentally get away?