[Heather Unbalanced]

I'm really hurt by this

[Bill3]

Would you be willing to share more of the circumstances here?

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Would you be willing to share more of the circumstances here?

Yeah, sorry.

Ive been dating him for two years. im 26, hes 29 and still living at home because of, well you know how it is. Im there all the time and stay over a lot. his family has always been kind and welcoming. Ive had some beef with his sister a few times but we're civil and fine. Before me, he was dating a someone for a long time; from young teen years until about 4 years ago.

I understand fully how close people can become in that amount of time. Im trying not to be unfair about it. My emotional response is different though.

I was going to follow his sister on instagram but saw some photos of my boyfriends ex. I dug further and discovered that his sister and mother have carried on a close relationship to my boyfriends ex and her family. As recently as 4 days ago, they all went for dinner and drinks. Meanwhile, he and I, just last week, took his mom out for dinner.

My boyfriend has no dealings with his ex and loves me dearly.

I cant help but wonder if he has ever told them that this is not okay. I wonder what his thoughts even are about it.

We spoke a little about it but I didnt want to get too deep in the convo because its not about him. Its about his family. He told me he cant tell me how to feel about who his sister is friends with but he ignores it and I should also. I told him its his mother too. That I lost respect for them and we left the convo at that.

Background on him and his family: he loves his mother but does not enjoy the company of his father or sister.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm not saying it doesn't suck, but you can't control who other people associate with.


It's not disrespectful of them to remain close to her, they didn't do that TO you, they did it FOR themselves / each other.


So there's no reason to lose your respect for them.


It would be a whole different story if they were flaunting her in your face and inviting her over while you're there.


From what you've posted it seems they've been most respectful by keeping their friendship with her as discreet as possible. I mean you had to go digging to find out this friendship even really existed...


So I guess what I'm saying is, give them some credit, at least a tiny bit.


There's no law that says you need to break ties and hate certain people after a break up.


Case in point: I'm friends with my ex SIL but half the time I don't even acknowledge my "brother's" existence. I have zero contact with him.

[wolfgaze]

Heather, see if you can view your emotional reaction to the surface-level circumstances as like a 'symptom' of a deeper, underlying 'cause'... Once you become sufficiently aware of the underlying 'cause', you will be able to address and resolve the emotional disturbance that you are experiencing. Please note that successfully resolving this does not entail you having to manipulate, change, or exercise control over the surface level circumstances that led to this 'issue' surfacing.

I'll pose some questions for you which may or may not contribute to you digging a bit deeper to get to the heart of the matter...

-Does your boyfriend's family having this ongoing relationship & involvement with his Ex and her family feel threatening to you because you feel it may contribute to setting the stage for his Ex to re-enter his life and to rekindle their former relationship?

-Do you feel like the Ex-GF having an ongoing relationship with his family somehow signifies that they won't open up to you on a certain level or won't make 'space' for you? Do you feel any degree of exclusion or non-acceptance due to these circumstances?

-Do you have any earlier life experiences that caused you to experience the emotion of jealousy, of not being accepted, or not being being thought of as 'good enough' by certain others? Experiences which may have left a strong emotional 'impression' upon you which has not been fully resolved & healed? Along this line of thought, could your perception of and subsequent reaction to these current circumstances largely be the result of being influenced by stored emotional energy stemming from your past (earlier life events/experiences)? In this context, the current circumstances would be having the effect of stimulating something which runs deeper within you and which requires your acknowledgement and some additional 'inner work'... Try to really connect with how you find yourself feeling and think back through your history and see if this feeling resembles anything you've ever experienced before.

I don't know the answer to these questions of course - but I feel these would potentially be important to ask oneself if one were facing the situation that you describe experiencing. Thanks in advance for considering my questions and for allowing me to comment here.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm not saying it doesn't suck, but you can't control who other people associate with.


It's not disrespectful of them to remain close to her, they didn't do that TO you, they did it FOR themselves / each other.


So there's no reason to lose your respect for them.


It would be a whole different story if they were flaunting her in your face and inviting her over while you're there.


From what you've posted it seems they've been most respectful by keeping their friendship with her as discreet as possible. I mean you had to go digging to find out this friendship even really existed...


So I guess what I'm saying is, give them some credit, at least a tiny bit.


There's no law that says you need to break ties and hate certain people after a break up.


Case in point: I'm friends with my ex SIL but half the time I don't even acknowledge my "brother's" existence. I have zero contact with him.

I know. Youre right. They havnt been flaunting it. If anything, they have been hiding it.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Heather, see if you can view your emotional reaction to the surface-level circumstances as like a 'symptom' of a deeper, underlying 'cause'... Once you become sufficiently aware of the underlying 'cause', you will be able to address and resolve the emotional disturbance that you are experiencing. Please note that successfully resolving this does not entail you having to manipulate, change, or exercise control over the surface level circumstances that led to this 'issue' surfacing.

I'll pose some questions for you which may or may not contribute to you digging a bit deeper to get to the heart of the matter...

-Does your boyfriend's family having this ongoing relationship & involvement with his Ex and her family feel threatening to you because you feel it may contribute to setting the stage for his Ex to re-enter his life and to rekindle their former relationship?

-Do you feel like the Ex-GF having an ongoing relationship with his family somehow signifies that they won't open up to you on a certain level or won't make 'space' for you? Do you feel any degree of exclusion or non-acceptance due to these circumstances?

-Do you have any earlier life experiences that caused you to experience the emotion of jealousy, of not being accepted, or not being being thought of as 'good enough' by certain others? Experiences which may have left a strong emotional 'impression' upon you which has not been fully resolved & healed? Along this line of thought, could your perception of and subsequent reaction to these current circumstances largely be the result of being influenced by stored emotional energy stemming from your past (earlier life events/experiences)? In this context, the current circumstances would be having the effect of stimulating something which runs deeper within you and which requires your acknowledgement and some additional 'inner work'... Try to really connect with how you find yourself feeling and think back through your history and see if this feeling resembles anything you've ever experienced before.

I don't know the answer to these questions of course - but I feel these would potentially be important to ask oneself if one were facing the situation that you describe experiencing. Thanks in advance for considering my questions and for allowing me to comment here.

I mainly feel left out...even though thats not exactly the right phrase to use. I tried to be friends with his sister in the beginning of our relationship and it just didnt work out that way. She just doesnt seem to like me and thats okay. As I got to know her I didnt enjoy her company either.

His family has never made me feel this way but knowing that theyre still close to the ex makes me wonder if they still prefer her for my boyfriend.

In a way, I feel disrespected.

I have to wonder...surely my boyfriends name comes up in conversation when theyre all together. Do they just ignore my existence or talk about me too? Thats the biggest thought I have right now because what could they possibly have to talk about? Moms talk about their kids.

Lastly, this his ex cheated on him, made his life hell, and did things like sell all his retro video games. Thats the person she is. He and I are both gamers and I know how much those meant to him not to mention that they cost $60-200 each now. I dont understand what kind of family would "hang out" with someone who did those things to their son/brother. I dont know if they know she did those things but surely they must know at least a little bit of the reason they broke up.

Instinctively, im hurt by their connection to the ex. But im really not sure how I *should* feel or react because for the most part, I understand. Theyre close. Big whoop. Hes with me and im with him, and thats it.

I think it is important to remember that people shoudn't be taking sides. They will have developed their own relationships with his family. Just because the couple parted ways should not force the cease of all communication between the extended family members.

Yes, it is hard. I have my own grief at the fact that my friends, family are still friends with my ex. Even my children have stayed friends with him, their step-father. It pains me to know all these people maintain contact with him. But the relationship I had with him is not the same as the relationship they had with them. The way I see it is that they will eventually come to realize what a jerk and idiot he is on their own and it is not for me to influence that.

Instead, concentrate on the building and forging of new realtionships and traditons.