[Psychosiad]

I'm looking for some outside perspectives here as whenever I think about my boyfriend it's like I'm split in two. Either I love him with all my heart or I have this frustration that he doesn't treat me right and I should leave, but I really really don't want to leave him.

So we've been together for four years. In the first year I used to make him angry a lot with my horrendous mood swings and he would punch things and knock things over, once he put a cigarette out on his own hand, like staring at me whilst he did it... I didn't know how to react.

The second year we moved in together and he brought up all these things how my mood swings made him crazy and I didn't treat him right at all. I had a complete psychotic breakdown upon coming to this realisation that I had caused such a bad effect upon someone I love. I felt so guilty.

I began hallucinating and having very strong fixed delusions for months. During these months he was very violent and aggressive towards me and I had no idea why or what was going on because I had no connection to reality whatsoever.

Over the next two years I have been slowly recovering, but I have nightmares about him almost every night. He has not been violent to me in two years. He can also be very loving and supportive. But sometimes he snaps and shouts at me for the littlest things, like about what ham to pick in the supermarket.

I love him so much I think he's wonderful and so intelligent and amazing, I think he just needs some help, but I feel like he blames me for all his problems so when he gets help he'll just say that I'm the reason for all his behaviour. He says with me being ill I put too much pressure on him and I'm going to ruin his life. I don't want to ruin his life?

Any advice I would appreciate, but please note that I really love this person, we have been through a lot together and I have not been perfect in this relationship.

[healingme4me]

With or without being together, what relationships boil down to at the core is realising that we only have control over ourselves and our own reactions. That's where I'd guide your direction to, your own wellness.

You might find that you're not the cause of his frustrations, as he is responsible for himself and his reactions.

[TishaBuv]

You say you really love him and don't want to leave, so the best course of action is for both of you, separately and together to get professional help. The illness and behaviors you described for both of you are pretty severe.

I worry about his violence escalating toward you. Especially when someone blames you, they take it out on you and can do you physical harm.