[GGChar]

I need some advice. I am the youngest of 3 children and am 53. For as long as I remember I have been the "make-nice" problem-solver in my family. It has come back to bite me many times.

My mom is the type who never wants to get her hands dirty or do unpleasant things. From doing her taxes, helping her around her house (she's 85) or being alone with my dad when he passed away (she couldn't do it); I feel I have stepped in many times to help her out. From cleaning out the family home to being in charge of my dad's care-taking as he went through Alzheimer's. Things she "couldn't face".

I am always trying to get her approval. This is something I have worked on but I can't seem to stop.

Last month she wanted my help because she had given her other grandchildren more money than is legally ok until you are taxed. She is pretty wealthy. I got absolutely furious that she had the nerve to ask me to help her. She doesn't give my kids money and wants my help figuring out what to to because she double-gifted her other grandkids? My feelings were very hurt, I felt used and just shocked I guess.

She basically reminded me that I have always told her she can do whatever she wants with her money. I do know this is true but I just felt so used! My sister lives out of town and my brother doesn't have a great relationship with my mom so my husband and I step in quite often.

Anyway, It's a long story but after she sent me a rude email, I had had it. I have never done this but I called her and just blessed her out. No name calling but I was extremely angry with her about this as well as other things.

She was NOT happy with me and has quit communicating via email with me. (She never calls). I wanted to repair things so I called her and had a chatty conversation. Then I asked if she would like to see a show with me as her Christmas gift.

She emailed me last night and said she has been advised to "disengage" with me until the holidays. I have so many emotions about this. My feelings are hurt. I know she is a cold person so why do I keep trying with her? What is my problem? She was an alcoholic mother to me and unavailable so I keep trying to get her to "notice" me. I'm 53 for God's sake, you would think I would get it.

Thank you for reading this incredibly long vent. I had to get this out and get some advice and support. I feel so mixed up. Btw, I am not planning on replying to her email.

[avlady]

I feel sorry for you,i hope things go better and will pray

[Skeezyks]

Hello GGChar: I don't know... I'm 68 & my parents have been gone many years now. But even before they had passed away, I had left them behind many years prior. It's a very long story & I won't trouble you with the details.

I'm male & perhaps it's easier for us guys to do this than it is for women. From my perspective, I think you had every right to be upset & I think you had every right to say so. Perhaps, if you "blessed her out" you mostly got angry rather than to calmly state your case. If so, that was perhaps unfortunate. But, then, that's easy for me to say. Perhaps then calling her back to have a "chatty conversation" was not the best follow-up either. But there again... easy for me to say...

I personally don't have any stamina for this type of thing. Like I said. I just cut my parents out of my life. Yet, even at 68, I still sometimes find myself having (heated) conversations with them, in my head. I doubt we ever get past it completely...

[butterfly24]

I'm sorry for your pain, GGChar. I'm in a similar position--details different, but feeling there's been lots of favoring of siblings, and I'm the one in your position, taken for granted, assumed I'll put up with anything.

I went no contact when I was 41. I feel absolutely no guilt. I have gone above and beyond. I have forgiven repeatedly, accepted the current 'being nice' as good enough. I finally heard a few things that made me see clearly they really do see me as the kicking bag of the family.

They have other children to help them out. I've done my best, and I'm not willing to be their punching bag and scapegoat.

Like your mother, mine simply never called me again. I have no idea what she thinks I did to deserve that, and to be honest, I don't care. I see them all as mentally ill. They are welcome to each other's company, and the sad truth is: I have not missed a single one of them.

It made me realize how much I was being all family-family with them because I was 'supposed to,' and not even remotely because I enjoyed their company. I haven't missed having siblings at all and it makes me realize they weren't putting anything of value in my life TO miss.

I would say just back off on the contact and see how things go. And I think you have every right to feel hurt at these things.

[Unrigged64072835]

It would be good to realize what your mother's behavior has done to you and maybe seek some professional help to get over having to please her.

[MickeyCheeky]

[GGChar]

Thank you all so much for your replies to my post. It means a lot to me to hear other people have been in this situation.

I have discussed this in therapy many times over the years. I think the problems my family has are really due to growing up with an alcoholic mother. My siblings are mistrustful of others and they are extremely paranoid. I don't seem to share that trait as much; I just don't know when to stop "fixing" things so I get disappointed.

Im not sure what I think of my mom right now but I know this situation had a silver lining. I'm sick of trying to get her to show she loves me and sick of trying to prove I am "good". I have a very good life with a terrific husband and kids. I don't need this crap. I have been feeling a lot of strength and clarity after being depressed for a long time. I have done my best for her and I have done enough.

That's just all it comes down to: I have done enough.

Again, thank you so much for the comfort and words of wisdom.

I can completely relate to what you are saying.

For reasons that I can't fathom, my mom is a child. She would love nothing more than to live with me (or my sister) and have us tell her what to wear, what to do, feed her, entertain her, take her everywhere with us....She makes me feel guilty..(Oh, don't worry about anything!...I'll manage"), and she makes me feel responsible for her happiness...

Somewhere along the line, our roles reversed and I became the parent. And she liked it.

To be clear, I love my parents very very much. I know how my mind is supposed to work when it comes to them. But something certainly is dysfunctional with us...One of us is wrong...

I believe your predicament is similar to mine....We are the ones who feel that we are always in the wrong. We strive for approval that we will never get...
From what you say, you feel guilty (that's what made you post, I think..guilt).

Leave the ball in her court and tell her that you're there for her if she chooses to get in touch with you.

You did not do anything wrong.

It's all on her and she doesn't get to manipulate you any more.

It's okay to be nothing more than a friend to your parents.

(sorry for the lengthy post...)