[xRavenx]

Do you usually see results when you set boundaries with others? I'm someone who often has difficulties setting boundaries when people in my life do things that I'm not okay with. For instance, flaking out repeatedly and just being inconsiderate in general, then expecting everything to be just fine.

I assertively--but not aggressively--told someone close to me to not lead me on with plans if they are just going to break them last minute. It might not sound like a big deal for me to have said this, but I'm someone who often lets things go. I always feel like I'm nagging someone by confronting them.

Also, I get afraid that I'll push people away if I confront people on things like this that bother me, which is why I let things go a lot. I start doubting my own thoughts and feel maybe I'm being "too sensitive," but I'm starting to realize that's not the case, and I can benefit from being more assertive. I am hoping that others actually will take what I say seriously and maybe work on making a change when I do set boundaries. What's your experience with this? Do you find that people actually try to make changes to improve the relationship when you speak up?

[LucyG]

I feel for you as I have the same problem not feeling guilty setting boundries and standing up for myself.

I wish I had a lot of great advice, but I really don't. I can tell you that people will respect you more when you say what you have to say nicely, but firmly and stick to it. It's funny how if people know they can push a person around, they will. It's just human nature.

Another really tough issue is that if you stand up for yourself, you might not be liked. At some point you have to decide if you'd rather someone like you at all costs, or not take advantage of you. I have a couple of relationships in my life that would be much, much better if I did certain things that I'm not willing to do so I have to live with these relationships being stressful. It's tough and I agonize over them, but at some point I can only do what I believe is right.

Here's a technique a therapist taught me years ago to help me deal with things that were bothering me. Draw two columns on a sheet of paper of your word processor and write 'distorted thoughts' on the left hand side, and 'rational thoughts' on the right hand side. Now under distorted thoughts write down what you're feeling--'everyone hates me because I didn't offer to pay for dinner last night when we went out.' Now challenge that thought--'they know I'm on a budget and can only afford to pay for my own dinner.' The goal is to bring clarity to the issue by challenging the misconceptions you're laboring under that are making you miserable. I can't tell you the number of times I've done this over the years and how much it's helped get cope with difficult situations where I felt like if I didn't do whatever, everyone was going to hate me. Give it a try...

[TishaBuv]

People who are nervy enough to cross my boundaries, aren't polite enough to respect them when I ask.

I distance myself from these people, tolerate the behavior, or have sometimes had to joust with them.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Do you usually see results when you set boundaries with others? I'm someone who often has difficulties setting boundaries when people in my life do things that I'm not okay with. For instance, flaking out repeatedly and just being inconsiderate in general, then expecting everything to be just fine.

I assertively--but not aggressively--told someone close to me to not lead me on with plans if they are just going to break them last minute. It might not sound like a big deal for me to have said this, but I'm someone who often lets things go. I always feel like I'm nagging someone by confronting them.

Also, I get afraid that I'll push people away if I confront people on things like this that bother me, which is why I let things go a lot. I start doubting my own thoughts and feel maybe I'm being "too sensitive," but I'm starting to realize that's not the case, and I can benefit from being more assertive. I am hoping that others actually will take what I say seriously and maybe work on making a change when I do set boundaries. What's your experience with this? Do you find that people actually try to make changes to improve the relationship when you speak up?

I feel like your guilty because your somehow made it responsible how others feel about you placing boundaries instead of considering that your feelings are just as important as anybody else. You have a right to feel comfortable and safe like everyone else just remember that when someone trys to break a boundary of your.

[mindwrench]

I have no trouble setting boundaries with people I don't care about, and will vigorously defend those boundaries. If someone is important to me, then I usually just hope they don't step on my toes too much. The more I like somebody the more I will keep quiet about it. At some point though I'll pop there head off and kick a field goal with it. That usually leaves them bewildered and thinking I'm unstable. I've lost friends and kept friends doing it that way. The ones I kept didn't cross those lines anymore.

[Delicious]

Originally Posted by mindwrench

I have no trouble setting boundaries with people I don't care about, and will vigorously defend those boundaries. If someone is important to me, then I usually just hope they don't step on my toes too much. The more I like somebody the more I will keep quiet about it. At some point though I'll pop there head off and kick a field goal with it. That usually leaves them bewildered and thinking I'm unstable. I've lost friends and kept friends doing it that way. The ones I kept didn't cross those lines anymore.

This is exactly what happens to me. If I don't like someone, my boundaries are at 100%, at all times. If I'm close to someone I have a feeling of wanting them to keep "liking me" so I keep quiet, or try to sneakily mention my boundaries again to remind them.

For example, one of my personal boundaries is that I do not like to be touched. I can handle a tap on the shoulder or a bump, but random hugs freak me out. I get uncomfortable and cold, trying to wriggle out without being too rude. My close friends know and respect this, so even if they do hug me randomly, they only do it for a considerable amount of time so I don't get uncomfortable.

Honestly if your friends don't have the capacity to at least try to follow your boundaries, I wouldn't consider them friends. Friends want the best for each other, right? So adjusting some behavior isn't hard at all.

[LeeeLeee]

I like what everyone had to say in their responses. I'd like to add that you don't really owe anyone any explanation or justification for your boundaries. If you don't like last minute cancellations, you have every right to plan your life without having to consider those people.

In my experience, because I got tired of waiting for people to commit to plans, I decided to just do what I wanted, tell people what I was doing and where I would be and if they cared to join, great! This led to one of the greatest years ever, with people truly interested in hanging out.

The people who don't like your boundaries, are usually the ones to believe you're somehow being unpleasant or disagreeable. That's okay!

Hugs.

[Rose76]

My short answer to your question is "No." People don't work on changing their behavior because I say something to them.

I think you're a little confused about what boundaries are and how you set them. Telling your friend you want her to stop breaking plans she makes with you is not a boundary issue, IMO. Your friend isn't breaking boundaries. She is being unreliable. That's a different kind of problem.

On issues where you do need to set boundaries, that's more about you changing your behavior than you telling other people how you would like them to change theirs. Assume that people aren't going to change because, generally, people don't. One part of boundaries is you controlling the access people have to your time and attention. Next time your friend starts talking about something great the two of you could do together, accept the fact that she may simply be fantasizing out loud. Show little interest. If she asks why you aren't showing any enthusiasm for her great plan, you could tell her that you've learned that she often doesn't follow through, so you are not taking her seriously. On an issue like this, "confronting" really doesn't accomplish anything. Your friend actually has a right to be unreliable. She's probably that way on a number of fronts toward everyone she knows.

Having boundaries doesn't mean you get to tell other people how you expect them to be. However, you have the right to decide how you will be and the right to set consequences you will impose when someone let's you down on something they agreed to. At the mildest level you can simply tell the person that you were very disappointed by them and guilt the heck out of them. This is not an act of "confrontation." This is giving people meaningful feedback. Then, the next time this friend wants to do something with you, make her practically beg on her knees. Keep reminding her that you don't trust her to follow through, given her track record. Sometimes, simple complaining enough will motivate a person. In Yiddish, there is a term: "kvetch." Sometimes, you have to practice the art of kvetching. It can be effective, especially with people who actually do care about you and don't want you to stay mad at them.

Lose the word "confront." It has become a cultural buzzword that people think connotes courage and bravely tackling an issue. And people are under the delusion that they can solve all kinds of problems by "confronting" others. A confrontation is often a climactic response to someone acting poorly over an extended period of time. Things build and build, and you erupt in a confrontation. Sometimes, an ultimatum is involved. Seldom is this a solution.

I once had a neighbor who thought it was okay to enter my apartment without knocking. He thought our friendship was such that he could just walk in. That's a perfect example of a gross boundary violation that does call for immediate confrontation. When I suddenly found this guy standing in my kitchen, "I said, "Don't you ever, ever walk into my place like that again! I don't care if the door is wide open, you knock and wait to be asked in." I spoke sternly, and he never did that again. I didn't make any threats, but I fully intended to call the police, if he continued to do that. Even without me saying that, he apparently knew I was dead serious. People can tell when you are merely hoping they will change, as opposed to when you absolutely won't tolerate something.

You've done a really good self-analysis, and you do need to learn assertiveness skills. I used to be somewhat of a doormat, myself. Learning to not let people take you for granted is a process, but it can be learned. When someone does you a wrong/incourtesy, think about what you can do in terms of your behavioral response, rather than how you want to tell them to change.

People don't change because you explain to them that you would like them to change. People change because they want to avoid a consequence. You have to give people consequences.

[xRavenx]

Thanks everyone for your helpful responses. Assertiveness is definitely something I want to continue working on, and I have been thinking about how it can help improve my life overall.

[healingme4me]

I've worked on assertiveness in my own therapy. Much introspection is necessary because it's truly helpful to understand your needs in a sense of knowing where you draw the line about what you will and will not accept as far as how you are treated. Boundaries are really something internal. I think Rose mentioned consequences as far as what others know.

It's ok to say, listen, these last minute cancellations and noshows are really testing my limits and I'm questioning how valued you find our friendship. I might find myself making other plans from here on out. I don't like the way this leaves me feeling, etc. (assertion)