[HeLovesMeNot]

I recently started dating this guy that I met in a class at my university. We get along super well, and have many things in common. It's been effortless and natural to be with him, which is unusual for me due to my struggles with relationship anxiety. So, naturally, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. Since then, I've been physically ill and horribly anxious. I don't want to ruin what I've got going because of something as silly as a label. Does anyone have any tips or advice as to how to cope with this?

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC!

What are you telling yourself about this that is making you anxious?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by HeLovesMeNot

I recently started dating this guy that I met in a class at my university. We get along super well, and have many things in common. It's been effortless and natural to be with him, which is unusual for me due to my struggles with relationship anxiety. So, naturally, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. Since then, I've been physically ill and horribly anxious. I don't want to ruin what I've got going because of something as silly as a label. Does anyone have any tips or advice as to how to cope with this?

you clearly are aware of your issues with regards to relationships so I think it goes without saying that you realize this probably has nothing to do with him or even anything going on in the relationship itself. With that in mind you'll have to figure out what your anxieties are based on related to being in a relationship and then find a way to eliminate them or cope with them somehow.

Some people can do this on their own being aware of their own issues and are self aware but many of us need a little help. it seems a strong enough response to me, that it might be worth considering finding a T for this if you don't have one already to talk it out and figure it out.

Thing is you said it was natural and effortless being with him. Yet your anxieties still come up. So somehow you need to be able to remind yourself of the good reasons you chose to be with him whenever those anxieties try to come up. Again, I do think talking it out with a T may help.

[Trippin2.0]

My best guess is expectations...


I may be wrong, but I know for myself, the moment there are labels and identifiable roles, expectations increase or enter the picture and anxiety shoots through the roof.


Funny enough, both my bf and I have this problem and neither of us are commitment phobes, it's just the perceived pressure a label can place on certain people... Why? Idk, maybe because we're both terrified of screwing it up.


Like, he may THINK he's expected to behave a certain way, I may THINK I'm expected to do certain things, WE may THINK our relationship has to follow some calculated timeline, etc etc etc...

When the truth is, we were good enough for each other before, so what on earth could have or should have changed.

This pressure just takes all the fun out of hanging out and just being together... Like you said it comes so naturally, it just feels right, like being home... And this pressure and anxiety dampens that feeling, which is especially bad if you consider he and I were friends for yearrrrrs before we started dating. It would've been a major buzz kill worried I'm living up to someone else's perceived expectations, and at least for us, not knowing when or why these expectations were suddenly even in place.


Tips?

Well we just agreed we'd take it day by day and didn't jump into the deep end. We agreed that we'd carry on as though nothing had changed. Even though we both made a verbal commitment to each other, that this is it for us.


That way I didn't worry that he expected anything specific (other than loyalty) from me, and vice versa.


This has worked perfectly for us, not sure how it would translate for other couples though, as we are admittedly a bit unorthodox in certain areas.