[fairydustgirl]

I have had a few long term relationships with men who knew I had mental illness, two of them I met here. The illness was upfront because of the situations in which we met. I dated one man from pc in real life for a year, have known the other for over 2 years. They knew me and loved me, were patient when I had my moments, just as I supported them in theirs.
Now that I am talking to other people in a different setting, I feel so inauthentic...I don't feel that I can tell any of them about myself, I don't know them that well, but in the same token, I feel like how can they know me or love me when they don't KNOW me. I"m not sure if that makes sense to you all. I feel like I am hiding myself, my feelings, my thoughts and my real life. I've had this feeling before regarding people I had met through my son's wedding. Feeling like I was a fraud, acting so happy go lucky when I was absolutely wild inside with anxiety and feeling depressed. I didn't act on it, I did eventually tell one lady and she was accepting of me...she'd known me for quite a long time prior to me telling her though. so I suppose she saw me as being a pretty stable person, not someone to fear.
I don't know. I am fairly certain I will continue to keep my personal life to myself, it just feels so unfair that I can't come out and say, hey, what you are doing is making me very anxious, or I'm not doing so well today, can we just hang out? I'd end up needing to explain it.
How do you other folks with MI feel about this? I know the question gets asked every so often about disclosing or not...I guess mostly I'm just venting about it.
I don't think I'd be comfortable disclosing unless it was someone I knew a really long time and felt sure would be compassionate about it. My ex H knew me for decades before my diagnosis and even he wasn't understanding, it's why I hesitate with someone who doesn't have any kind of history with me.

well...life isn't fair right? this too shall pass

I feel just as you do and see things in an extremely similar way. I blurted out I had Bipolar on a Facebook forum thing I belonged to and right after that everything got extremely weird....I think I started to hallucinate from the anxiety of saying it....or I might have been manic and that's why I said it and why I hallucinated.

I've decided not to share unless I REALLY know the person, but I understand exactly what you mean about feeling unauthentic. Who knows....maybe you will meet someone and instantly click and feel comfortable sharing and it all works perfectly. That is what I'm hoping will happen with me as far as making friends. Might be wishful thinking but a girl can hope....hope never hurt nobody

I'm sorry you struggle with this.