Spouse jealous of opposite sex friendship

I agree, bad mouthing a spouse is a red flag. Interestingly f had a female friend who used to tell him everything about her long term relationship problems - she laid all the blame on her partner. When f stopped agreeing with everything she said she took the huff and did the 'all men are..' thing with him.

I have never disclosed marriage issues to anyone irl not even to a female friend, it's just disrespectful. I don't even like writing about it on here anonymously, I feel disloyal but I appreciate the perspectives so I get over my reserve for that.

I do agree many guys can be on the make. And women too.

Thanks, you are really lucky to share your opinion with your h.

No I would not cheat either. H is the only guy I ever slept with and I have no plans to change that.

It just has me tearing my hair out but I concede the replies which state this is a problem as long as it's a problem for h are probably true.

Thanks moogs, it's good to have a male perspective.

I would appreciate anything you would be happy to share either by pm or on thread.

Prefabsprout - thanks for taking the time to respond back to our questions and concerns.

Seriously what the f... Umm no. Just no you are so far off base it's not even funny and I'm amazed that your opinion of men is so darned simplistic. I have had plenty of good female friends and had NO DESIRE to have sex with them. Do you really think that men are these simple minded mongrels that can only think and are driven solely by their loins? OMG please....

Ok so your husband seems very much like my ex and how she was about female friends. I also complied but you know what, I will be honest with you, it did nothing for our relationship but enable her to feel "right" in choosing what gender of friends I should have thereby giving her control of my relationships. It's wrong either way from either side and you need to honestly make a stand.

If he has an issue of jealousy then deal with it. If he doesn't trust you for some reason based on something you did, that may be fair to a point but if not, it's based on his insecurity and his alone. Even if there is a compromise at some point the fact is, he is only controlling who and how you see your friend because you allow him to. Do you really think this is making things better for your relationship? NO. It has given him power over you which he should not have in the first place.

A real man would express his concerns and trust you, give you reasons to want to make him feel more secure not command you. Sorry. I cannot even think of any instance where your husband's behavior is acceptable.

At the end of the day, your spouse thinks it's a problem... so therefore, it is a problem.

I agree with just a friend.

If your husband has a history of being controlling that is a horse of a different color.

If my husband became uncomfortable about a male friend I have, I would accommodate my husband and end the friendship. I would first try to help him feel secure but if that showed fruitless I would care more about my husbands feelings than the friendship. My husband would do the same for me. My family is number 1 to me always.

The above is what I would do but not what I suggest any other person do. In the end you have to follow your heart and mind. You are the one who will live with the consequences either way so you must make the decision you feel best about. Good luck.

Yes, there's a problem. But the problem isn't the friendship. The problem is the husband. Ending a friendship to placate someone else's insecurities or to allow them control over you isn't ending any problem. It's creating new ones.

The husband has had plenty of opportunities to alleviate his insecurities. But he chooses to not spend time with people who aren't already his friends. OP has introduced them and tried to intermingle. The husband refuses and that's his choice - but he can't pick and choose his wife's friends. That's just so wrong.

What would happen if you told H that you have decided not to comply with his request to stop seeing F?

I just must politely disagree.

She isn't hiding her friend.

It's not her fault her husband is being unreasonable about all this.

He needs therapy to deal with his issues like " trying to control his wife" which is not ok at all, and his insecurities.

It is a matter of trust. I have a ton of male friends, yet I don't cheat when in a serious relationship.

I just have to add, it's not his insecurities that is the main issue here. We all have them and it's even understandable to an extent that he is jealous and feels intimidated by a male friend of his wife's. where the problem lies is in his handling of it, his resistance to even try to let her alleviate his insecurities in a reasonable way and the ultimatum approach. The domineering, commanding approach that seems to treat the wife like a subordinate, not an equal in a marriage relationship. How many women here would tell their husbands not to have female friends and expect him to comply?

No if he were a good husband (at least on this front, I mean.. I can't say how good he is to her in every aspect but just on this point) he would communicate his issues, allow for conversation about it and be willing to compromise. That is essentially what most aspects of a marriage entail anyway, for it to work. Jobs, relationships, time, chores, responsibilities, it's all about finding a way that works and is fair to both partners. This, in and of itself places one spouse in the place of being the final decision maker and leaves no room for the other to have any mind or say about it. Tell me, anyone that dismisses this problem, in what environment would this be a fair one?

"He who pays the piper calls the tune".

I love old sayings! An aunt once declared i didnt have to put up with any mans nonsense because i made my own money. But she was kind of a witch. And i dont consider that good advice, to take your balls and go home alone. another aunt liked to say,

"You made your bed, now lie in it."

Sandman, you give me hope for the future!

My mom says The Golden Rule is: "He who has the gold makes the rules!"

Only to those that allow his financial value be so important that they would do anything for him. (or her) Truth be told you should not marry or be with anyone that you have to or would become dependent on. Two independent and self sufficient people make a much stronger couple.

Times have changed. That's why this thread has such conflicting opinions. People have to figure out new rules.

In a perfect world every person would be emotionally healthy, with proper boundaries and 100% reasonable and rational. I've yet to meet a person like this but have met many who think of themselves as this. Sometimes we do things for the people we love...we make accommodations because their feelings matter. Some people have quirks which decades of therapy can't solve. In fact, most people do. Sometimes we must leave these people and sometimes we love them despite their flaws.

You need to decide if this is something worth ending the relationship over. That seems to be the dilemma (unless he's willing to compromise but I assume you already tried that). I don't envy your decision. Follow your own heart, not the advise of others. I've followed other people advise in the past and lived to forever regret it. Whatever you decide, make sure you are being true to yourself.

I think it always has been we have to find rules that fit our relationships. I mean there are laws and such and social norms but truthfully, behind closed doors in any home, all that doesn't matter nearly as much if they don't fit within the relationship. There are good reasons there are things that become kind of standard for relationships but nothing is ever true as a blanket rule that fits everyone.

Plus the old adage 'times have changed' makes me chuckle for the reason that people have been saying this since the dawn of time XD times are always changing and rules, social norms, people, everything never was and never will be static.

Agreed completely on something that I didn't say. It always does come down to whether or not the sacrifice in either direction is worth it. Within the relationship is it worth the sacrifice to give up your freedom? Maybe it is, because sometimes there are so many other good things that the person brings to the table that making such provisions for them is worth it. Sometimes they don't. Same goes for leaving a relationship, what are the sacrifices made, what is being given up and what is being gained?

Thanks everyone for replies, I can see there is a huge spectrum of opinion on this one.

To address some of the questions/points:

H told me at one point that he would leave me, he said I could go to F instead. This completely missed the point that I have no desire to go to be with F and F has shown no desire for me to be with him, it would be as inappropriate as turning up on one of my female friends doorsteps and I told this to him. I have no idea if he really meant it as he is sometimes hot-headed.

A few of you mentioned control issues, I do feel this has been an issue at times. One issue we had was his insistence that I was wrong if we had differing opinions (on all kinds of things, even politics) whereas I would always agree to differ. I had therapy a few years back and my T did help me to tackle this, and he did respond. I must admit I hate conflict and will do almost anything to avoid it and that has probably made me cave in more times than I should have.

Some of you have mentioned power balances and my h is a much higher career achiever/earner than me which may be a factor. Having said that he has always been proud of my own achievements and been interested in what I do outside of the home, he is not at all dismissive. But yes he has the gold as Tisha says.

I don't like how he has treated me over this is issue, and I agree with those who say it's unfair but in reply to ElsaMars I am not considering leaving him over this. I do actually love him and value him very much and he is essentially a caring husband and father, he has IMO behaved unfairly on this issue but he is feeling a very intense jealousy I can see that. It is a misplaced jealousy but it is a very real feeling to him, I can see the pain on his face as he tries to control it and that is painful to me.

My instinct is to compromise and right now my approach is to tone back on my meetings with f, I am trying to see him only when another female friend is there as h asked. This is difficult as our two mutual female friends are very busy and often drop out at the last minute but I am at least trying. I care very much about the two female friends too and actually when it is the four of us we have the best times, just wish it could be more than it is (only a handful of times a year altogether).

I think if I gave up F totally this would be a retrograde step for me, and I agree with S4nd I don't think it would be a positive move for our marriage - we should be a team, we should be able to listen to each other, trust each other and compromise. I see this situation as a challenge but not one I should just back down on.

Can't thank you all enough for your posts and sharing your view points, I have read and taken on board each and every one of them.

Oh and special thank you to male posters who reassured me they do not want to sleep with their female friends.

I don't think F wants to sleep with me either, in fact my self esteem is sufficiently healthy enough to say there is more to me than just being a sex object (that is actually quite a ridiculous thought), I think I'm actually an interesting person in a non-sexual way.

I have been biting my tongue because I am really quite offended by the claim that I as a male want to sleep with any woman I interact with. In my opinion a woman (or husband) who lives on the basis of this claim is making a most grievous error.

When I was young, I was told several times by my GUY friends that any guy who was my friend wanted to sleep with me. One even went so far as to say he had no need to even be a friend to a girl unless deep down he wanted to sleep with her. He said it was a vital component. So it does exist. My husband even said it's probably true on some level after puberty and until maturity so I guess he's saying it was true for him at some point?

I think that that desire can exist in specific males.

I just don't think it exists in all adult males. It is not "who [we] are".

I would just reiterate that, speaking for myself, I emphatically do not want to sleep with every woman I meet, or even every woman that I am friendly with, or friends with. I just don't. I don't now, and I didn't when I was younger.